Thursday, June 30, 2005

What do you think

Melinda got me thinking...just curious to know what date you think I will deliver and how much do you think my big ol' boy will weigh? Please don't say 14 lbs like that lady who just made the news.

Taking guesses! If you are the closest maybe I'll send you something. His first meconium filled diaper, how about that!

Bryan hit the nail on the head today...he said "can you give me my baby, everyday is like christmas eve." That's exactly right, Christmas Eve EVERY FUCKING DAY which leaves me to wake up early with excitement, run downstairs to find no tree, no presents and not even a stocking filled with a lump of coal. Yet, it'll come, oh please let it come!

Missed the boat yet again

I'm so bummed, someone has gone and opened up the business I wanted to open right here in Baltimore. I can only hope they fail since I'm evil and revengeful.

I never talked about my plan much because "I am going to do it someday" and didn't want to let all my good secrets out. Alas, I've done waited too long and now CapPOOCHino Cafe will be getting all my glory. I have yet to check it out and see if it's exactly what I think it's like or maybe it is just like the rest of the half-assed versions out there. Hopefully.

I admit my idea wasn't a huge breakthrough and nothing new to far more superior cities such as Chicago and NYC but it would have been new to Baltimore if I had done it when I planned it...oh back in 2002. I wanted to open a dog cafe. I know you are thinking "well that's nothing new" but MY dog cafe would have been. MY dog cafe would have been different and much, much better. For some reason I have always wanted to own a cafe/coffee shop. Oddly, working as a barista was one of my favorite jobs unfortunately nothing I could make a living off of not to mention I don't like working under people. But owning one, now that's a different story. I have such a head for business that I know I could have made it work. But I didn't have the funds, the time for the researching and I guess I just wasn't in the right place at the time to put forth all the energy and effort creating a business from the ground up would entail. So I put it off, and put it off, and put it off and here I am.

Slowly over the past couple years cafes in Baltimore have been becoming more dog friendly, yet they were still human cafes that allowed dogs (and just recently one by my house has to now ban dogs because of some license violation...see not thinking it through!). And then the little gourmet dog places that focused on homemade dog treats started popping up but they were still mainly for dogs only. See that's where my idea was different. It would have totally catered to both humans and dogs equally. It would have been totally dog friendly and set up so people with overly anxious dogs like us, could still sit and RELAX because they didn't have to worry about their dogs ruining this or not having any options to keep them entertained, or there not being enough to keep the humans entertained and well fed. I can picture it all in my head and it's kick ass. I also found the perfect place for it in Canton (although not for sale at the time). I still don't want to give away all my ideas because just maybe I'll be able to do it someday.

Granted this new stupid place is on the other side of the city but the point is, they beat me too it. THEY followed through, THEY did the planning and the research, THEY made it happen and I'm left to bitch about it!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

You hafta see these!

We just got a friendly visit from the UPS man bearing great gifts! All the way from New York City courtesy of our totally talented, good friend Molly (to whom I owe so much to and she has to know this!)

But aren't these frigin kick ass! She was concerned that some of the paint may be too rough for new baby flesh but don't care, baby is wearing them! She could have sand paper on the inside and I'd make him wear them. Fashion before function is our motto. (Do I really need to say I'm just kidding here??)

Click on the photo above to see more pics of them, cuz I know you wanna!

Diamond in the rough

fake ring vs. real ring

By popular demand (alright so just 1 request) here is a picture of my new wedding band on the left and the too-tight original on the right. Bryan would like me to point out the real one has the bigger diamonds because we all know that's what this world is about. It's just cute he's proud.

It's funny how so many people felt weird without their rings when pregnant. I don't know why I did. I just feel like strangers pre-judge and look down upon me enough, I didn't want them to have any other reason to. It was especially weird when I was WITH Bryan and he had his on, I felt like the mistress he got knocked up. If I saw a pregnant girl without a ring on, I would never give it a second thought and I really don't care if someone did think I was an unwed mother-to-be. I don't see anything wrong with that! I guess I don't have a good reason for feeling like something was missing but I'm not gonna lie, it did bother me! I really like my faux ring and would like to keep wearing it on my right hand later but I'm hoping my fingers will return to their normal size at some point.

I woke up with a headache and very grumpy again like I did on Monday, the day my blood pressure was high. So I was thinking of walking over to the grocery store to do the little free blood pressure check but I decided I could benefit from more sleep anyway. So I laid on my left as long as I could since that should take care of any sleep deprivation and high blood pressure. Just lately though I go numb when I lay on my left. I guess it's because I'm getting heavier by the second. And my knee hurts! It's always something with my legs. But I think the reason is because the dr. lady told me to lay on my left to keep the BP down but to also elevate my feet above my heart to help with the swelling. I even confirmed I should be doing this at the same time. So if you were on the couch, basically lay flat on your left with your feet up on the arm rest. Which may help with that other stuff but in turn jacks your knees up because your all bent up and shit.

Bryan said my face looks funny today but he couldn't pinpoint why or what. I am wondering if it suddenly swelled up a lot and sad to say I have YET to look in a mirror today. Maybe I should go check it out! I got the mama coming over for dinner in 4 hours (I decided against making the labor inducing eggplant parm) so I'll have to look in the mirror eventually. But first...more chocolate rice cakes. (Christa you need to get some of these. I'm not sure if you'll find them as tastey but a lot more guilt free than Ben & Jerry's (although that IS a good source of calcium!)

This belly has to go, quick. It's getting injured more and more now. I have a big (read 1 inch) gash on it and not sure where that came from unless the baby is trying to claw his way out. And I just burnt my belly button stump on a pot as I tried to reach above the stove for something. Maybe that'll teach the belly button from popping out again, it has no place being on the outside!

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Yum and yawn

I just woke up from a very good nap. It makes up for yesterday's bust. Before that a friend came down for lunch and we swung by and picked Bryan up on the way. I haven't seen her in a while...actually at my shower in May but before that it was a long time too. Her husband who works near by was supposed to join us but couldn't at the last minute and it's been a really long time since we've seen him. The 4 of us used to work together, ahh good times. And good food. A big ol' juicy burger with rosemary fries. Which I just followed up post-nap with chocolate rice cakes. Man those things are good! The problem is I can't stop eating them.

Bryan was so cute at lunch today he brought me a present. He set the box down on the table which I opened to find a beautiful 3-stone diamond ring in a platinum setting with tiny round diamonds in the band. Alright it's fake, hehe. He had ordered it a while ago once my wedding bands didn't fit anymore but it just came in. It fits perfectly too, 2 sizes bigger than my real rings. He said he was doing it more for himself than for me, he couldn't stand me not wearing my rings. Like I get hit on everywhere we go. I think the 9 month pregnant stomach is a turn off to many...or my fat face, fat ass, fat hands, fat elbows....The waitress probably thought she saw the worst proposal in history...Bryan setting the box on the table and me opening it saying "Oh cool, thanks!" and putting it on. She was like "oh, oh my!" so we had to explain to her the dealio so she didn't think we were totally lame.

So good day all around!

Monday, June 27, 2005

OB appointment at 37 weeks and 5 days

Blood pressure - too high! They took it at the beginning of the appointment and it was elevated. But after the appointment they had me lay down on my left side and rechecked it and it was down in the normal range again.
Urine - OK
Weight - who is really keeping track anyway ;)
Baby's Heart Rate - OK
Measurement - 41
Dilated - 0 cm - I even got a "you are very closed"
Station - still -2 (last week was also -2)

Well, like they say first time moms typically go past their due date. But you know the OB expert at the grocery store who must moonlight as a cashier says it looks like I've dropped. Funny how she knows considering she's NEVER SEEN ME BEFORE. Oh experts wherever you turn. I can tell you, I don't look like I've dropped at all, he's still sitting right where he's been the last few months. And my nice little internal exam proves that.

I think I'm feeding the baby too good in there. Why come out when he can eat all the Oreos he wants when he knows it'll be a good couple years before he ever gets any on the outside! I must say I'm generally pretty bummed after these appointments but then it fades away and I'm content. But then before I know it another appointment to get bummed all over again!

I'm really not that discouraged, as we know plenty of people weren't dilated one minute and then are delivering the next. I'm just kind of ready for the next chapter. I always get "Oh you must be dying in this heat." Not really, that's the beauty of A/C. Even Bryan and I go for walks and eat outside, I think this is the perfect time of year to have a baby! Bryan is more uncomfortable than I am!

All in all, no signs of delivery nearing but anything can happen!

Cut it off, I don't need it anymore

My left leg that is. It's driving me crazy when I try to sleep. Does anyone have any tips on a cure for Restless Leg Syndrome? I was cursing it all night long as I tossed and turned because of it. And I couldn't take my morning nap even and nothing makes me more mad then not being able to nap! Some pregnancy symptoms are just so weird. It's like I expect back pain and swollen feet and some other things but an annoying leg? That's just silly. I also think I'm coming down with good ol' pregnancy carpal tunnel as well. Not too bad but it's there!

I have my OB appointment today at 4 so maybe I'll have something newsworthy. Probably not, there really isn't anything they can say that would be "newsworthy" other than "I see the head!" Chances are that won't be happening. And I'm quickly running out of time for my 7/1 birth day. I'll just be happy now if he comes on or before my due date at all. But my doctor is officially on vacation now until 7/4 so maybe my bad luck will give me some good fortune and I'll deliver in the next few days. I just ate too many O-R-E-Os forgetting about the urine sample I'll have to give. I just hope I can flush it out before I get the "what did you eat???" question again.

I'll post my appointment details later, I know you are on the edge of your seats. Oh and since I didn't have much to say here is some more useless info about me. Stolen from High Maintenance Mama

A is for Age: 28
B is for Booze: Not much of a drinker especially hard liquor but if I do it’d be Vodka–I love Vodka and Red Bull
C is for Career: Quality Assurance Analyst at the moment. Not a lifelong career goal for me
D is for Dad’s name: Ron
E is for Essential Item to bring to a party: My stunning good looks or Smirnoff Ice since they most likely won’t have it
F is for Favorite song at the moment: Never have a favorite song of the moment, I’m very fickle and rarely listen to new music
G is for Goof off thing to do: Blog, and read other blogs
H is for Hometown: Don’t have one I consider my “hometown” so I’ll say Baltimore
I is for Instrument you play: Skin Flute ;)
J is for Jam or Jelly you like: Grape Jelly (so childish I know)
K is for Kids: 9/10 of a son
L is for Living Arrangement: Me, Husband, 2 Boston Terriers, 1 cat and a fetus in an urban row home we own
M is for Mom’s name: Carol
N is for Names of best friends: Bryan and lots of good friends
O is for Overnight hospital stays: Hmmmm, guess 1 for now??
P is for Phobias: Driving over bridges (and heights in general) and social anxiety so if you want me to kill myself you’ll make me do something in front of a group of people
Q is for Quote you like: “Everything happens for a reason” and “I am bigger than anything that can happen to me.”
R is for relationship that lasted longest: 5 ½ years w/hubby
S is for Siblings: 3 older sisters
T is for Texas, ever been? Yes, Austin and I think a few other towns. Loved it
U is for Unique Trait: I know there is something but I honestly can’t think of it at the moment
V is for Vegetable you love: Corn…and Lima Beans!
W is for worst trait: Too sensitive, get mad/hurt/angry too easily
X is for Xrays you have had: 2??
Y is for yummy food you make: Pumpkin Swirl Cheesecake Tart
Z is for Zodiac sign: Aries

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Please don't hit my car. Seriously, my kid will DIE

Bryan and I decided to install the car seat Friday night. I didn't really have any doubts we could pull it off, I mean thousands of flakey mom's do this every day (not saying all mom's are flakey...obviously). So I'm reading the little instructions that come with the car seat, comparing them with my car's manual. Ok we got, we got it. Ok we don't got it. We put the base in, first of all we had it in the center, (rear facing of course!) and we used my car's seatbelt. The fucking thing would not tighten nearly enough. Oh wait, the LATCH system, that's riiiight. OK undo the seatbelt, find the little corresponding LATCH symbols on my car and hook it in. Tighten up the belt. Hmmmmm, still not tight. Maybe we need to use my car seat belt AND the LATCH thing. Nope, didn't help. Meanwhile the evil lady from the birthing class is playing over and over in my head "If your car seat can move even a hair your KID WILL DIE." This isn't good.

Something just isn't right with this whole LATCH thing, it's like the straps go all the way across the other 2 seats in the back which would totally interfere with anyone else riding back there. I don't remember anyone else's car having this problem. Oh looky, here are two more LATCH hooks closer to the center, this MUST be it. Re-hook everything and it is still too loose. Wait, what about this little lock clip thing in the picture...ours didn't come with one! Oh my god, we need one of these!! I'm looking all over the car seat and whaddya know, it's like built in to the infant seat carrier, how convenient. We take it off and are thinking this won't help a fucking bit. Looking at the clip, looking at the car seat instructions, looking at my car manual, shaking the car seat every now and then, watching it easily shake side to side, forward and back. NOT GOOD. That's it, we aren't leaving the house, problem solved. OK, OK, not realistic.

So we concluded the clip thing isn't applicable in our case with the belt we were using, it was for the outside seats. Maybe we should move it to the outside. But no, it clearly says to use the center if possible. But wait, it says the center isn't compliant with most LATCH systems. So why are these LATCH hooks here for the center. Oooooooohhhh, they aren't for the center, they are for the outside. Well now fucking what?

Bryan: Maybe we should put it on the outside seat
Me: Are you insane?? We could easily get hit in the side and bam, dead baby
Bryan: Well we might be able to actually install the seat then
Me: Great, install the seat knowing the baby is dead. Why even use a car seat at all.

Back to square one, using my car seat belt, seat in the center, fuck the LATCH. If only the seat belt would go tighter, this doesn't make any sense. There are only so many ways to install this thing and we've tried them all. It's just impossible, maybe they are meant to sway from side to side. No that can't be right. I'm now convinced that Xterras are not designed for car seat installation. That's it, I give up we have to get someone to do this for us and we'll never take it out again.

We come in, I'm calling the Fire Stations since every where I read says that your local friendly firemen will gladly install your car seat. Well not ours! Great. Now we have plenty of friends that have used many a car seat that could help us but I wanted it done THEN. And at this point I don't trust that anyone's are installed correctly because it's apparently completely 100% impossible to install a car seat. We're looking online, we're racking our brains. I'm trying to find the next car seat installation training class at the Maryland Kids in Safety Seats (KISS) and freaked out because they aren't answering their phone. Maybe because it's a Friday evening, ass!

Finally, Bryan comes across a very helpful site and showing a nice little image of someone's knee in the car seat base as they are pulling up on the seat belt. Well we pulled and pulled on that thing so I didn't see how it would help. Sure enough, Bryan got that thing damn tight. All about LEVERAGE BABY! No movement side to side or forward and back. THANK GOD WE WILL BE ALLOWED TO BRING OUR KID HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL. I think I'll still be getting it double checked but I like to think that we are semi-competent in this whole baby care thing now.

Friday, June 24, 2005

These are the kind of things that get me in trouble

This here . Up to 70% off, did you hear that?? 70%!! Oh yea, I'm done buying stuff for now. I have to keep reminding myself that. You know what I really want though? Is this mesh water sling made by the talented Daphne_Blue. I love it to death!

You can all relax now too, I broke down and ate some Oreos. I couldn't let you all down. It was a good follow up to a nice, healthy turkey sandwich. Oh, hehe, and I ate almost the entire bag of chocolate rice cakes. They are actually good and good for you damn it. Not sure how good for you they are when you eat 10 times the recommended serving size. But it could be worse, am I right or am I right?

I was thinking about this whole pregnant thing, you know, it can be hard to escape sometimes. But everyone says you forget all about the pain and suffering as soon as you see your baby. And I must admit, I really enjoy the 3rd trimester. I was "warned" so many times about how hard it will be blah blah, bitch bitch. And even though I've been complaining lately that I want the baby out, it's really not bad at all. Now the first trimester, that was hell. PURE HELL, including a good portion of the 2nd trimester. 20 weeks to be exact. 20 long, excruciating, miserable, I-want-to-die-weeks. Then it slowly vanished and it's been uphill ever since. But you know what? I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN HOW BAD THOSE FIRST 20 WEEKS WERE. And I get a queasy feeling when I think about them.

At my last doctor appointment there was a girl there with a guy and I could only assume she was pregnant (because when else do you make a guy suffer through a GYN appointment??) but she wasn't showing. I assumed she was very early on in the pregnancy and it instantly brought me back to my first trimester. I could have thrown up right there. I was just looking at her, not showing, wearing normal clothes and I pictured me in my normal pre-maternity wardwrobe and then I pictured me running to the bathroom. My point being, I have YET to forget just how bad it was and if I am meant to have more than 1 child, then someone better make me forget pretty darn soon.

And no painful contractions today, barely even any of my mild Braxton Hicks. I'm starting to think it was all the Ricotta cheese I ate yesterday in the ravioli and larger-than-life-cannoli. Or maybe my music did the trick. See, you laugh but I'm gonna give it another go tonight. It's the baby's daddy's band anyway, I thought it would be a little encouraging to the youngster to hear a familiar voice at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I should get on the ol' birth ball again. Man, fuck a birth ball, it's not doing shit! "Opens your pelvis and helps gravity encourage the fetus to become engaged" my ASS! I've been riding that thing non-stop. Maybe I should put some of that effort into riding my husband a little more. Hey I have an idea, maybe I should just let nature take it's course and not be so damn impatient. I do technically have 2 1/2 more weeks left!! It's just with each passing day, it's another pound I'll gain and another ounce for the baby!

What will it take for me to learn

The first thing I wanted as soon as I opened my eyes this morning was Oreos and milk. It's like you can get sick off this garbage and feel shitty but as soon as you feel better, you can't remember JUST how bad you felt. (Except for morning sickness, I CLEARLY remember how awful I felt and will probably never forget). And last night when I was telling Bryan how I felt so yucky he said "tomorrows another day." Start off right. In one ear and out the other huh?

But I did talk myself out of it and had a small cheese omlete, whole wheat toast and some skim milk. Yuck, yuck and yuck. I'd like some refined sugars please!! But I figured the protein would do me some good. And there are very good chances that will be the only protein I eat all day.

Guess what evil Damn Cat did last night. We're sitting on the couch and out of the corner of my eye I see the fucker fall from upstairs. Not jump, but fall. She likes to look through the railing that overlooks our very steep stairs and apparently she looked over a little too far and came falling down. Not the graceful fall I thought cats were capable of but some flailing sideways fall and bouncing off the banister at the bottom of the stairs. I admit I got freaked out and ran to her rescue. I was hoping thought she was dead it was such an ugly fall. Nope, she's just fine and bitchier than ever. Hopefully she at least used up a couple lives. It was pretty frigin' funny to see though, you know, now that I know she's OK and all.

I was officially crampy with contractions last night. There were a couple that woke me up in the middle of the night, pretty uncomfortable. They made me whine. Not many, not frequent but there was SOMETHING different about these. What does this mean? Anything? Something? Nothing? I am still doubtful thinking that it is probably just gas/poop pains or something. They've been known to throw me off before! (I admit it, I was being stupid last night and played some music in my crotch.) I once heard that so and so's sister did it to get her baby to turn from the breech position and it worked. So I thought if it could turn a baby around, maybe it could encourage a baby to come boogieing on out. I feel silly admitting it, but looky I had a new kind of contraction last night! And get off my back, I know it was stupid but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Well off to make Bryan his special iced coffee concoction, my little special treat for him in the summer (that he has to beg me to make).

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Yucky frigin' yuck

OK I feel a little sick now. Too much sugar, too many carbs and waaaay too much sleeping in one day. Now I just feel like crap. And guess what, I probably won't learn my lesson and will repeat the exact same events tomorrow.

I managed

I made it through the rough day of being home with my cleaners. He actually brought a whole calvary to finish up quickly. Mmmmmm, love that clean house smell. Too bad it'll be gone by nightfall.

I had a very enjoyable day today. I napped most of the morning while the cleaning crew was here and then Kelli and her two daughters came down for lunch. We had a devine meal at Delle Note in Little Italy and then walked down to Vacarro's for some sinful Italian pastries (me: Cannoli, Kelli: Tiramisu, Hailee: Strawberry Italian Ice, Gianna: Tiny bites of Whipped Cream) That's some good shit! I'm hoping Kelli made it home sane, her little one was a tad wired and the sugar we kept feeding her couldn't have helped! The weather was just perfect. It was sunny and hot but it had a nice breeze.

Then it was more nappin' for me! Ahh, my two favorite past times, eating and sleeping. I actually felt slight (and I mean slight) crampiness with my Braxton Hicks contractions today. I couldn't tell if it was crampy, my imagination or that my skirt was too tight. All three are very likely scenarios but I'm hoping for the crampiness to get this show on the road!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Nothing, nothing at all

I really just don't have anything to say today. Not one frigin' thing. I'm still pregnant, still fat, still have painful joints. Oh I have swollen feet today too. Nothing too frightening and my ankels are OK but I'm seeing a few less bones in my feet. I've been looking to borrow a prenatal yoga DVD, I thought that would help. But I have yet to get one. Think Blockbuster has prenatal yoga, I don't want to buy one at this point. I don't think there is a big market for bootlegged prenatal yoga either.

I do have one complaint and I'll probably sound like the biggest prima-donna for even mentioning but my cleaners are coming tomorrow and I am irritated because they will be here. I have to be home and I really don't like being home when they are here. So I'm either going to be locked in the bedroom while they clean the downstairs or on the couch while they do the upstairs. I hate not having free range of the house and I'll have to look *semi* decent. And they are such good, thorough cleaners that they take FOREVER. Which is great, just not when I'm home. And my house is extra dirty since they didn't come last week while he was on his honeymoon so I'm afraid it will take them even longer. I know, I know, there are worse things in this world, you don't need to tell me this.

I could get off my butt and clean but I'm achy, so very achy. And I need to save up my energy for labor. Those are my excuses which I'm sticking too.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

OB appointment at 36 weeks and 6 days

Blood pressure - OK
Urine - OK
Weight - 2 pounds (boooooh!)
Baby's Heart Rate - OK
Measurement - 40 1/2 weeks
Effacement - 50% (and he said this was being generous)
Dilated - 0 cm

Everything is A-O-K but it sure looks like this baby isn't coming any time soon. NO dilation, barely effaced and he said "the baby is still way the hell up there." Dr's words exactly. Not really what I wanted to hear. I asked if I would definitely know when he dropped and he said possibly, I'd be peeing more and will be able to eat more too. Ummmm, eat more?? You know that really isn't a problem for me right now. I heard of many pregnant women getting full very quickly and then hungry shortly after but you know, me not so much. I don't get full AND I'm hungry starving every hour already. And pullleeeze don't make me pee any more!

He said he'll definitely be in the 8 lb range and if it goes beyond my due date, I'm sure we'll be in the 9's by then. And if it get's closer and he hasn't dropped then he'll have to find out why, meaning maybe he won't fit, maybe I don't have an 8 lb pelvis (although he's mentioned in the past that I could easily handle it). But as of right now, no concerns. My joints have really begun hurting, mainly my wrists and fingers from all the extra fluid now. My ankels hurt but thankfully they don't LOOK swollen. My fingers now have fat rolls.

We're officially full-term tomorrow. So I just wanted to say one thing to my son...feel free to come out WHENEVER you want. TOMORROW would be fine and actually there is still time left TODAY. Today is looking better for me but no PRESSURE OR ANYTHING!

Oh we had a nice surprise today. Bryan's office threw him a little baby shower and they gave us the high chair we had registered for. It's really nice too. We had decided against it at this point since it was, to us, too expensive for a high chair but shit, if someone else is gonna buy it then hell yeah!

Well everyone keep your blogs updated daily, looks like I'll be needing something to do for the next few weeks!

I gots the budgeting blues

We worked on our "after-the-baby-is-here-budget" the other day and I'm quite bummed about it. It isn't that we won't be able to afford the things we want to afford, it's not that it was anything other than what I expected, it's not that I won't be able to keep the lifestyle I want to keep or have to sell off things we own including any vital organs. It's that I really HATE seeing how much we pay a month for stupid shit.

Most of you know I plan to work PT still assuming I can find decent PT work. I'm hoping for 2-10 hour days. I'm doing this mainly for financial reasons but also I think I might want a break from the daily routine of SAHM life. Not that there is anything wrong with it, I just feel I PERSONALLY may welcome the break. Although after being home for the past couple weeks even without a child to care for and at times being rather bored and restless, I have not ONCE desired to be back at work! Anyway I did have a point here...

Something in me has changed recently and I just feel frivolous and don't really like it anymore. There was nothing wrong with my 2 year old Honda when I traded it in for my Xterra which in turn caused me to more than double my existing car payment. Same with Bryan's car. We now pay over $1k a month just for cars. For cars! Cars we really didn't NEED. I must say we got our moneys worth out of my Xterra though, especially with how many times we loaded that bitch up moving shit. And cell phones! We are two of the most biggest phone-phobes I know so why are we paying $70+ a month for cell phone service where the only people we really spend time talking to is each other, which doesn't even go against our minutes! So we pay monthly for a plan where we probably only use 10 minutes. And this is after I downgraded our plan to the lowest minutes available. These are only a couple examples.

My point is that with the baby on the way I realized that I have my shelter, I have my food, I have my husband and my baby along with my little animals and that's all I really need and finally that's all I really want. Now I just need to unload some of this materialistic shit.

(A vacation here and there would be nice though! And I do love having my house cleaned...OK so I'm not quite there yet but getting there!)

Monday, June 20, 2005

I'm skerred!

I just watched a great show on Discovery Health about home and birthing center births. You know, a la natural. Secretely, or not so secretely, a dream of mine but I've never been more scared in my life. These women, all of them, screamed at the top of their lungs as if someone was sawing their head off w/dental floss. And that was just during the contractions. I don't even want to talk about what they were like when the baby was actually coming out.

How come I have yet to see a natural birth that doesn't sound like it could be a sound bit from the horror movie Saw? I want to go natural I really, really do but when I see someone deliver with an epidural and then another without one a little bit inside me dies each time. Must...stop...watching...Discovery. All I'm asking is show me one natural birth where the woman kept her composure at least a LITTLE!

The post in which I most likely will offend

Disclaimer: My intention is not to offend anyone but more to get my thoughts out on where I stand with different parenting methods. And while I'm sure I may offend some of you out there with my blatant naiveté and lack of experience to back up any "theories" I have, just a reminder this is about me...not you (that's what personal blogs are all about, right!) And I mean all of this in the most loving way. I know that parenting is a very personal matter and what works for some parents won't work for others and even within the same family, what works for some babies won't work for the next one. This I understand and this is why the following is in no way a personal attack on anyone and their choice of parenting despite me constantly using my sister as an example. I do hope every parent can keep an open mind including myself.

I'm really just curious and anxious to find out exactly how this parenting thing works. I have my ideas on what I want to do, I have my theories on what I think it will be like and what will work best. What I should do and what I should not do. But most of all I'm really curious to find out just how hypocritical I'll end up after all this is said and done. Can I really practice what I preach? Although I try to only preach to myself (and my poor husband) so hopefully any hypocrisy won't be too obvious to outside parties. But I often find myself biting my tongue when talking to other parent's and some of their thoughts and practices (i.e. my sister) and I am sure plenty of people bite their tongues when I talk.

1. Breast Feeding - Yes I feel it's best, yes I want to do it, yes I will give it all I have and not give up after only trying for a week (assuming no special circumstances arise). I know it's something that takes work and patience. But no I will not feel bad or like a failure if it doesn't work out for whatever reason. And I never feel it's my place to say to any non-breast feeding mom that they should do it. I don't know thier personal situation. Although it was REALLY hard not to say anything to my sister when she looked at me and said "Are you SURE you want to breast feed I heard it hurts." In that instance I was very tempted to fire back about she should have tried or at least given it some thought. But that would have been more for retaliation purposes so I refrained.

I admit I was completely clueless about breastfeeding before I started to read about it and learn, despite what breast feeding mom's told me. I assumed because it is such a natural process, that all you had to do was stick a boob in the baby's mouth. Oh how I've learned. And honestly I didn't even realize the ENTIRE thing had to be in their mouth, I thought it was just the nipple part. Oh how I've learned again. I heard a lot about mom's not making enough milk and all the tips and wives tales on how to increase it so that was a fear of mine. "I won't drink enough water so I won't have any milk. I'll have to drink a beer a day to stimulate milk supply" - which would be torture for me- I've learned that MOST of the time it's typically not that the mom doesn't make enough, it's usually other factors like improper latch, insufficient suckling, not being able to relax or just not doing it enough to build up your supply. So that calmed my nerves a bit. I thought it was kind of luck of the draw, either you make enough or not. Oh how I've learned.

2. Attachment Parenting - I really like the theories behind this method. But there are a few things that I don't necessarily feel comfortable with so I think this will be a basic guideline for me but not a strict set of rules. I do feel there are a lot of misconceptions about what it is and I feel it will be difficult to get some family members to see the way or at least get them to shut about it if they disagree. I first heard about it through a friend and while it took me a while to really get what she was saying, it made me curious to learn about it and I'm glad I did.

3. Baby Wearing - I am not sure why but I already feel very strongly about this. It just seems right to me. I've heard of some babies just not liking the sling but I hope that isn't our case. Not only will I wish I could constantly hold my child close but I think Bryan would give me a hard time about all the money I've spent on various baby carrying devices if they go unused! I tried to get my sister into this because early on she complained how she had to hold her son for him to be content yet she couldn't because it wasn't practical. So without hesitation I suggested the hands free baby wearing. But despite my encouragement she never gave it a try and probably not even a second thought. I really feel slings make more sense than strollers. Now I definitely feel there are times when a stroller is best but all I know when her and I were trying to push her big honkin' stroller through the mall at Christmas time it was one of the most stressful things and the baby could not have enjoyed that anymore than we did. I think she just assumes babies = strollers.

4. Co-sleeping - all for it. I will say however that if my baby is willing to sleep in his crib, then halleluiah. Now we have the mini co-sleeper because as of right now I don't necessarily feel comfortable having our son directly in the bed with us. Mainly because I know what kind of sleepers we are and don't feel it's the safest bet. Bryan and I used to get in fist fights during our sleep (maybe there was some deeper psychological reason for this but we'd laugh it off the next day) and I already feel the bed is too small for us 2. Maybe this will change but for now I think the Co-sleeper fits our needs. (Yet another thing I suggested to my sister when she went for weeks without sleeping since her son wanted to be in bed with her yet she was too scared to have him there).

5. Spanking for discipline - don't like it, don't want to do it, get fired up when I see it. Yes I was spanked and do I really want my child to turn out like me? No fucking way. I don't want to threaten my child with the "possibility" of spanking either. My goal is not to instill any kind of fear in my child but help him learn from his behavior and understand why he shouldn't be doing something. I don't want him to not do something just because he thinks he'll get spanked. I want him to see the big picture. The last thing I want my child to feel is any kind of fear from me or Bryan. I know what it feels like to fear a parent and I clearly have yet to recover! But oh lord, please give me some more patience!

6. Labeling - I couldn't find a good link on this but this is just always something I felt strongly about. Growing up with 3 other sisters, we each had our label. And for me personally I tried to live up to the label daily...and guess what, it wasn't a very good label to be. But even positive labels "the smart one" etc just don't seem fair to me. I see them as limiting and I want my child to feel he is and can be whatever he wants to be (unless it falls in the raging psychopath category).

7. Materialism - This is one thing I really hope to steer my child away from. There are so many outside influences that regardless of how hard we try in our home to prevent this, I feel it will be a daily challenge. I'll admit I grew up very, very materialistic. It took me a long time to overcome this (like up till last month) and every now and then it still comes out. I get mad when I already hear family saying "oh we can't wait to spoil him" or "he's going to be so spoiled." To me "spoil" has a negative connotation. Anything "spoiled" is generally bad...a "spoiled" surprise, "spoiled" milk, "spoiled" brat...see what I mean? I rather hear "oh we can't wait to show him how much he's loved." Maybe it's wrong of me to assume they mean spoil him with materialistic items but when they are referring to how spoiled he's going to be at Christmas time, I can't help but think it. My child will always have what he needs and obviously things he doesn't need. I just don't want it to become expected and I want him to really appreciate everything he has and not move on to the next thing he wants 5 minutes later. I saw this in my nephew who is now almost 20 years old. There are kids who want things and then there are kids who want things and completely freak out if they don't get them, so badly that they generally end up with whatever it is they wanted. That was my nephew. I'm hoping I can teach my child that those things aren't important without him feeling deprived. I don't want to have to ban all commercials/TV in our house to accomplish this either, hopefully he'll learn this.

Well there you have it, I think those are my main "parenting" methods. That said, we'll find out how many I really stick to. I know this is all easier said than done, I'm not stupid. And I know for every reason I have for wanting to do something, someone out there has a reason why I shouldn't. And it may be just as valid. I also know that just because this is what I want to do, does not mean I feel someone who does something different is any less of a parent than I am. I know there are going to be millions of better parents out there and also tons of parents who will make me look like Mom Of The Year. I think my toughest challenge will be consistency.

My overall goal is to be open minded. I want to learn about different methods for doing something. Like with attachment parenting, I never knew about it, but once I heard about it, I was curious to know more. I didn't just chalk it up to something else I didn't know and didn't really need to learn. I don't want to be like my sister and how anything she heard just went in one ear and out the other (I know I complain about unsolicited advice but in the case with her and I it was different!) I just wish she had researched my suggestions and made decisions on her findings instead of just blowing them off saying they won't help. What it comes down to is I'm going to do what feels right for me and my family and hope for the best. That's all we can do right?!

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Happy Father-To-Be Day Hun!

Already the best father in the world!

I know your "DILF" T-shirt may not be the most romantic gift but this is our trial year for Mother's/Father's Day gifts. They'll only get better. And I'm letting you sleep in right now when I'm really, really bored so that should say something right? Plus I think it's a good idea to sleep off the effects of last nights straight up Knob Creek Whiskey (or is it Bourbon? Bourbon Whiskey? Same thing? I'm so not a drinker and I didn't have any hang over worries from my Virgin Daiquiri).

But you truly are a Dad I'd Like to F*ck. Happy Daddy Day!

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Lime Pie

No, not KEY Lime Pie, just Lime Pie. Our overpriced - crappy produce selection - always out of the lean meat and good bread - Safeway doesn't have KEY limes...just limes so that's what I used gah damnit.

And guess what?! I got to use my citrus lime squeezer for the first time since receiving it as a wedding gift over a year ago. AND I FELT SO FUCKING COOL. Man if I could just make a living squeezing limes all day. So anyway, yeah the pie sucked. This is why I don't cook and although I thoroughly enjoy baking, I rarely do it. Because RECIPES LIE, they all. fucking. lie. Maybe they are more "guidelines" and a real baker would know how to properly adjust the "guidelines" to have it turn out as something they would actually feel comfortable serving to guests. It's a good thing I had to taste test it.

And can someone tell me how the hell to use one of these? Maybe the problem is that I didn't have the stylish version that would have coordinated with my squeezer ever so fashionably (because that is what this is all about). It seemed like an easy enough tool, I understand the concept. So why, please tell me WHY when the prep time for the entire pie is 40 minutes it took me almost 40 minutes to zest 2 frigin' limes! And I barely got the 1 1/2 teaspoons of zest needed.

But what I really want to know is how come the recipe that makes a 9 -inch pie ONLY FILLED MY PIE CRUST UP HALF WAY???? Since I was still going to attempt to serve it to others instead of hogging it all to myself I tried to fix such a disaster buy filling in the remaining 1 1/2 inches of empty pie crust with the homemade whipped topping. It's supposed to just be a dollop you put on each slice after you cut it and are about to serve it but here I am putting a nice frothy 2 inch layer over my entire pie trying to mask my flaw. It still sucked! And I guess my lack of skill is making it hard for me to see the advantage of making something homemade when the pre-made, store bought version is much better (i.e. Cool Whip!).

I will say though there was a nice, zesty, lime flavor to it, much better than the too-sugary faux versions. But I still wouldn't serve this monstrosity. I'm not quite sure what went wrong...Anne, please help. Or how about you just make me one next time?

Friday, June 17, 2005

Husband Hi-Jacks Blog to combat Wifey's 100 list!

I thought I'd be sneaky and hijack my wifes blog to post my 50 thing things that her husband needs her to know and reasons she is best friend ever!

  1. You are thoughtful and very supportive.
  2. She has the ability to laugh at herself
  3. Her and I have own family whistle
  4. We have secret inside jokes.
  5. She will laugh hysterically if someone else has something embarrassing happen to them. (.i.e. food in the teeth, tripping, stuttering on accident.)
  6. She shows me she loves me everyday
  7. She is very soft and warm. Especially now.
  8. Her smile is infectious and brings me instant happiness
  9. We fit together perfectly
  10. How her forehead wrinkles when she doesn’t understand something
  11. The way she can raise an eyebrow when she suspects I’m up to something
  12. She will back me up even if the world is against me
  13. She shares all of her feelings
  14. We have never had a fight last more then 12 hours in the 5 ½ years we have been together
  15. She wants to have a strong loving family.
  16. She immerses herself in different projects and isn’t afraid to try new things
  17. I can brag about how wonderful she and truly mean it
  18. I cannot relate to others who talk bad about their wives because I really have nothing bad to say.
  19. She is breath taking and is a true unique beauty.
  20. She loves all there is about me even my annoying habits.
  21. I get to slap her bottom when ever she walks by and always will
  22. We can poke fun at each other and laugh for hours
  23. I love her original laugh and her new baby belly laugh
  24. I love that I can mess with her when she’s sleeping and she has no idea.
  25. She shares many of the same life goals
  26. She loves to travel and experience new places
  27. Even though she has a picky palette she isn’t afraid to try new places to eat
  28. She is a great mom to our 2 puppies
  29. She makes our house a home.
  30. She likes to make all decision as a family.
  31. She gets embarrassed easily which allows me to have fun with her in public.
  32. After 4 years she finally can make really good coffee.
  33. She allows me to cook and makes me feel like I’m good even though I suck.
  34. She needs me or makes me think that she needs me.
  35. We have only slept apart 3 or 4 times throughout our relationship
  36. She is very sexy without even trying
  37. She is ticklish and can’t with stand a tickle attack.
  38. She is a trendsetter
  39. She isn’t materialistic and makes the best with what we have
  40. Her lack of depth perception always brings we a good laugh
  41. How she nods and smiles when she can’t hear what someone is talking to her
  42. Her deep love for unborn child
  43. When she try’s to sing but really only talks the words a little louder
  44. Having our dinner conversation and discussing how crappy our days were
  45. Her tolerance of my sports watching even those she swears I hid this from her the first year we were together.
  46. Her tolerance of my XBOX fetish.
  47. She keeps me in check when I want to get that plasma TV and Mercedes
  48. How she has lived in the city with me for over 3 years and still doesn’t know her way around
  49. How she still gives me butterflies when we kiss
  50. I love her for just being her and would not change anything about her.
I love you honey.


Thursday, June 16, 2005

Have I lost my mind? Don't answer that.

I was sitting there after dinner when I realized I didn't brush my teeth yet today. Then I started to wonder if I brushed them yesterday, but that's irrelevant now. This made me realize I missed my dentist appointment today. This is SO unlike me! I don't miss appointments, I freak out if I'm 30 seconds late to an appointment. This lack of structure in my life that suddenly appeared has rendered my brain useless. Missing a dentist appointment may not seem like a big deal but it's substantial in my OCD world. And what really sucks is it took me 7 months to reschedule this appointment from the last time I had to cancel it. I make sure to go every 6 months but I had to cancel last November when I was plagued with death-like morning sickness. I'm so horrified of my absent mindedness that I can't bring myself to call them and reschedule. Maybe if another 7 months go by they'll forget I was the patient that didn't show. Either that or my teeth will rot out of my head.

I wanted to shake off the whole dentist incident so I got Sloth off the couch and we walked the whopping 10 feet to the grocery store so I could get my pie ingredients. Yup, I'm going for it. I'm sure Bryan will come home tomorrow with me passed out on the floor and Key Lime dribbling out of my mouth right next to an empty pie dish. But I bet I'll have a big, fat grin on my face too. And a big, fat ass but we'll worry about that later. My feet just seem to flatten under my additional 51 pounds I've been lugging around. As soon as I hit the store visions of chocolate covered nuts came floating through my mind. I tried to focus on the task at hand but couldn't shake the delicious image. Chocolate-covered-nuts...any kind of nuts would suffice. A big ol harry nut sac even as long as there is chocolate in the equation. I almost made it out of the store without any but damn those check out stands with the candy. Peanut M&M candy to be exact.

So yeah I bought some. I made sure to keep my eye on them, I watched them go over the little scanner, I watched them being placed into the bag with the gallon jug of water. I cringed at the thought of them being crushed under the water weight and I almost, ALMOST, took them out and put them in my purse. But I knew if I did that, they'd be gone before we left the parking lot. I wanted to wait, to prolong the foreplay if you will. We get home and Bryan puts the groceries away and I don't see the M&M's anywhere.

"Bryan, where are my M&M's?"
"I didn't see them."
"Well I bought them" (double checking receipt) "They are on the fucking receipt."
"Hun, they aren't here. Did you put them in your purse?"
"NO I didn't put them in my purse. I saw him put them in the bag with the fucking water. WHAT did you do with them??"
"I didn't do anything with them, I didn't see them. Maybe they fell out."
"They don't just fall out."

I am frantic at this point, I check the receipt for the 100th time and yup, still on the receipt. I even check my purse KNOWING I didn't put them in there. I try to rationalize with myself saying this is a sign; I shouldn't be eating them anyway. All the while I'm mumbling under my breath "fucking cashier probably fucking took them the fuck out after I looked away and they are probably fucking sitting right by him and he probably fucking saw them and thought 'oh shit, forgot her M&M's. Oh well.' Well not fucking oh well because I want the mother fucking M&M's and I'm fucking pregnant and he has no idea who he's fucking with, etc, etc more explatives."

I tried to let it go. I could eat the rest of the low-fat frozen Ben & Jerry's that's in there. Or my nice Weight Watcher Ice Cream Sandwiches. BUT I WANT MY FUCKING M&M'S! Every 30 seconds or so I yell to Bryan "I know you did something with them. You are fucking with me. You are just mad because you felt crazy earlier for thinking there was a stop sign there so now you are trying to make me feel crazy. I know they are here!"

I go and pee and Bryan casually walks into the kitchen and back into the living room. After I'm done I go back into the kitchen and look in my purse. Well whaddyafuckingknow, there are my M&M's. Bryan doesn't realize how close to death he was.

Belly pic at 36 weeks and 1 day

I need to start cropping my face off if I'm not going to put in any effort into my appearance anymore. And maybe switch up the uniform every now and then.

This is me measuring 39 1/2 weeks.

36 weeks and 1 day

I tried to smile but it just gave me more chins so this is as good as it gets right now

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

100 things you never wanted to know about me

I keep seeing this around and as I have nothing else to talk about these days, here goes:

1. I was born on tax day and every year people like to point this out to me
2. My husband's birthday is the day after mine
3. Our wedding anniversary is the day after his
4. Weight Watchers is my diet of choice
5. I feel it's one of the only really well-balanced diets and overall good lifestyle
6. I hate diets
7. I am cheap
8. I never buy clothes that aren't on sale
9. The mall is too expensive for me
10. I feel the clothes at the mall are the same shitty quality as my cheap clothes
11. Most of my shoe wardrobe is from Payless
12. I get compliments all the time on my sense of style
13. Most people don't realize how cheap my style is
14. I used to take Kung Fu
15. I had to give it up because I started having panic attacks if I had to do something in front of the class
16. I still have very strong desires to become a black belt in Kung Fu
17. I get sad when I see Kung Fu on TV or anywhere
18. I have been diagnosed as mentally ill
19. I will be on some sort of anti-depressant or mood-stabilizer for the rest of my life
20. I'm OK with that except I hate paying for Rx
21. I went to the emergency room quite a few times for attempting suicide
22. Guess I wasn't that serious about it since it never worked
23. I am a "cutter" but haven't done it in 5+ years
24. I was talked into going to an inpatient hospital by my mother and therapist
25. I have blamed my father for most of this
26. I will always blame my father
27. I have way to much anger and resentment toward my father
28. I wish I had a good relationship with my father
29. I moved out of my parent’s house 1 week after my 18th birthday while I was still in high school
30. I moved in with a tattoo-artist boyfriend who was 8 years older than me
31. He was/is a drunk
32. I didn't realize how bad until I lived with him
33. He became abusive
34. I moved to Atlanta with him
35. We were dirt poor in Atlanta
36. I had no friends in Atlanta and my boyfriend would never be around
37. I would smoke pot by myself that my boyfriend was given in trade of a tattoo
38. I finally got the balls to break up with him but had to move back in with my parents
39. I moved to Orlando with another tattoo-artist boyfriend years later
40. He broke up with me 2 days after we moved to Orlando
41. I had to move back in with my parents AGAIN
42. I have since sworn off dating tattooed guys
43. My husband has no tattoos and I like that
44. I have stolen many things in my life from candy to expensive cameras
45. I was caught once when I was 16 and my parents had to come get me
46. I often feel I am a terrible person
47. I carry way too much guilt and anger
48. I have many hang ups with religion and often get very angry about it
49. I do believe in God though, just not sure what kind of God it is
50. I always wanted to become Buddhist, I never could become nice enough
51. I have been told I have big feet, big teeth and a big chin, not all at once. I don't know if they are right.

52. I always dreamed of becoming a famous interior designer
53. I realized I despise school and would never get a degree
54. I would probably still be working in retail if I didn't meet my husband 55. He taught me how to use a computer
56. I now work in IT, how ironic
57. I owe a lot to my husband
58. I often feel too mean and negative and that I will only bring him down
59. I admire the closeness he has with his parents
60. I am secretly jealous of it
61. I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago
62. I moved to Maryland right before my freshman year of high school
63. I never felt so alone before after we moved
64. I threatened to kill myself daily if they didn't move me back
65. I never got to move back yet I'm still alive
66. I really like Baltimore these days
67. I feel my husband and I have a very good life together
68. I would love to live in Europe
69. My husband doesn't want to so I don't think we ever will
70. I really feel I am meant to be famous for something but not sure what, apparently nobody else feels this way
71. I have been told I look like Julia Roberts more times than I can count

72. I really wanted to be a Fly Girl
73. I am very shy and uncomfortable around people
74. I could never talk as much in person as I can on the Internet
75. Most people mistake this as bitchiness
76. I am bitchy but that comes later, it's just shyness at first
77. I was born in 1977
78. I am the youngest of 4 girls
79. I have been labeled a "spoiled brat" my entire life by my family. If I am I blame it on them, they would be the ones who spoiled me
80. I promise to never call my child a spoiled brat
81. Overall I feel I am pretty although some days I feel hideous.

82. I am a former smoker
83. I quit on April 13, 2000
84. I hate to admit I favor one of my dogs over the other
85. This makes me wonder if I should have more than 1 child
86. It's almost impossible for me to finish a book
87. Summer is my favorite season
88. I wish I was better at photography
89. I feel this list sounds too depressing but I don't feel I am THAT depressed
90. I love living in the city, I would prefer any city over a suburb
91. I love my house although it's too small
92. My husband is truly my best friend
93. He inspires me and treats me better than he should
94. I would be lost without him
95. I have sensitive taste buds, food often has too much flavor for me
96. I don't like salt and rarely use it
97. I don't like chicken unless it's fried or covered in some kind of unhealthy sauce
98. Hot Tamales are my favorite candy
99. I have a major sweet tooth
100. I am surprised I finished this list, I rarely finish anything.

Cool Kicks

Does anyone say kicks anymore??? Does anyone say cool anymore as much as I do? Not sure why that came out. Anyway, I saw a link on this blog to some really cute kidling shoes. They are only $27 and I think pretty fucking cute. But too big for my son in utero but thought some of you other mamas to older tots may enjoy them. Check 'em out.


Wow, when you don't do much you really don't have much to say. Needless to say this will probably be a very random and probably not very interesting post.

I just got back from a quick walk...and I mean a very quick walk right to this new little purse shop around the corner from my house. They custom make purses and diaper bags, neither of which I need. It was funny because my friend went to one of their purse shows a month or so ago before the store was open and she ordered her diaper bag from them. When I was in the store just now they happened to be working on hers. OK I guess that isn't really "funny." She is getting their first backpack style diaper bag. You pick out the fabric and style you want so it's pretty cool. Nothing I have money for at the moment and probably never will.

I was planning on hitting the g-store on the way back to pick up ingredients for
this key lime pie recipe that Anne recommended. I have a sneaking suspicion mine won't turn out as good. But on the way back my ankles started killing me. They must be starting to buckle under my own weight. So I didn't make it to the grocery store. Yet. It's pretty sad because I literally only walked about a block. It's probably for the best because Bryan isn't eating any junk food right now and I'm trying to limit mine so that would leave me and the pie all to ourselves which can be a recipe for total gluttony. But doesn't Key Lime Pie sound pretty damn good right now?

Other than that, not much happening on the home front. I have my list of to-do's I need to accomplish in the next 4 weeks so I'll do one or two a day. Can't push it now! I have added a couple more blog links and I joined some webrings. We'll see how that goes!

Oh and hey I'm 9 months pregnant today! Woohoo! (I tried to explain to my mom that just because I'm 9 months pregnant now I still have another month to go. She can't grasp that you are actually pregnant for 40 weeks, which is odd since she was pregnant 4 times before!)

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

OB appointment at 35 weeks and 6 days

Blood pressure - OK
Urine - Lots of sugar in it thanks to the OJ I chugged all morning
Weight - 1 pound
Baby's Heart Rate - OK
Measurement - 39 1/2 weeks
Dilated - 0 cm

All is well in the womb. No dilating yet, kind of a bummer. But it was good to hear I'm only measuring 39 1/2 weeks instead of 44 like last week! The baby was messing with me, he must have been all stretched out. I even feel I look smaller and others have commented on that as well.

The doctor doesn't really see any reason why I would go into labor early after my OK sonogram and it's too early to talk about inducing. I don't think that will even become something they would suggest at this point unless my due date has come and gone, thank goodness. I won't let them induce before my due date as I'm sure I've said enough already (without good reason). Although if I have many more sleepless nights I just may change my mind.

But he said everything is completely normal and looking good. He did said hopefully I'll go into labor at 38 weeks instead of 44 but there is no reason to think it'll happen one way or the other. He suggested we get down n' dirty to ripen up my cervix a little! That doesn't sound too bad to me either! Who am I kidding, I can't say I really have felt up to it. Except for the other night but that was after last weeks appointment when we weren't sure if it was a good idea. But we got the green light now, so it's a go, it's a go!! All in the name of a ripe cervix, of course!

So back to my uneventful appointments. Time is dragging now! But 1 pound! Did you hear that?!? I ONLY GAINED 1 POUND, this was my first "normal" weight gain!!

I'm officially an insomniac

Before when I was having my sleep issues where I was awake from 3-5am, then 2-5am, then 2-6am, Bryan would get mad if I said I had insomnia. That was not a true insomniac and I shouldn't belittle a serious medical condition by my pathetic sleep troubles. Now I think I can say I really do have insomnia. OK probably not really but I'm sooooooooooooo tiiiiiiiirrrrrrrred I can't see straight.

My nap yesterday fucked me up. Normally I'm ready for bed by 10pm. But because I slept from 3-6pm I was wide awake until 1am. I tried to force myself to fall asleep in attempt to keep some sort of regular sleeping pattern. Which until recently, naps didn't even affect (effect?) me. Before I was pregnant I would typically have a few hour nap and that was just to keep me alive. It never kept me up at night. Then during the first trimester those 3 hour naps increased to twice a day. Then as the pregnancy effects (affects?) wore off I didn't need to nap quite so much. I then started having trouble sleeping at night. Now that I've been home from work, I was taking little cat naps which seem to keep extending I think because of my inability to sleep at night. It's not that I'm uncomfortable because even though I'm pretty big being near the end of my pregnancy, I can get comfortable just fine. I don't even think it's the fact I have to pee so much. I JUST CAN'T SLEEP. I think I tend to pee so much because I'm just tossing and turning so I think peeing will help. I literally pee every 15 minutes now until I get into a deep sleep which is sometimes never. EVERY 15 MINUTES is no exaggeration.

But last night I wanted to drive off a bridge I was getting so upset. I just lay there, tossing and turning and peeing and turning and tossing. I was almost in tears. I tried all my tricks, going down stairs and having a snack which used to work. I didn't even get on the PC or watch TV because I read that can make it worse by stimulating your mind. I tried to change positions, put my head down where your feet go, I tried to sleep on the couch, and I used my sleep mask so it'd force my eyes to be shut. I counted everything I possible could. All these things seem to work for 10 minutes then stop. I'll do something new and I’d feel like I'm about to drift off then I'm suddenly wide awake again. So at 4am after not sleeping a full minute, I take a luke-warm bath. I think a hot bath would have helped but that's not an option! I also took some benedryl. I normally don't condone the use of sleep aids but I was desperate. I still laid there, the sun was coming up and I think I finally fell asleep at almost 6am. And it is never a deep sleep. It's always this half-assed almost awake sleep state. I never feel rested!

So today I'm going to force myself to go napless. Otherwise I'm afraid I'll end up like a newborn and have my days and nights mixed up. Heeeeyyy, maybe this is what it's all about. Mother Nature is switching my circadian rhythm to prepare me for long nights ahead. If that's the case, she needs to back the fuck off because I'd like to keep my normalcy for as long as possible and let me sleep during the night!

Fine, so maybe I'm still not a true insomniac but I can tell you I'm well on my way!

Monday, June 13, 2005

Lock your food up we have a sleep-eater on our hands

I just woke up from the best nap. I rarely even nap well these days so it was a nice surprise when I actually slept for about 3 hours. That's longer than I sleep in one stretch throughout the night. The Mr. is unexpectedly working late tonight so I was never woken up by his sharp 5pm arrival. I was surprised to wake up and see 6-something on the clock. Another thing I was surprised about was that almost the entire sleeve of cookies was gone! I brought over the (reduced-fat) chips ahoy cookies by the couch before I feel asleep. I controlled myself and had the recommended serving of 3 cookies (x2!). But when I woke up almost the entire sleeve was gone!!!! How did this happen?! So it's bad enough I eat all day long when I'm awake but I can apparently pig out in my sleep! I don't even remember eating them!! I seriously was not awake so how could I do that? I would have blamed it on my dogs but if they did it, the package would be on the floor and torn apart and I doubt they would have left any.

Other than my glorious nap I enjoyed a lovely lunch with Kelli and her 2 extremely well-behaved and oh-so-cute girls. They really are cute! Our waiter was a complete freak but it was a nice time. Kelli's daughter was playing with Damn Cat and the cat scratched her! I don't think it was too bad since she didn't seem to be too upset about it but just said "Cara why did the kitty scratch me?" Because she's heartless and evil and needs to pay for it!!! I wasn't sure what to say. In the cat's defense I really think she was playing and got a little too rough because other than that she seemed to be doing OK around the kids. Not like her being out for blood like she is with me.

Now I'm bored and lonely. I could kill time and eat dinner but I guess I'm not hungry after binging on cookies in my sleep. Pregnancy time has seemed to stop after my last appointment. I can't believe I'm not even 36 weeks yet. Soon, but not yet. I swear all of my feelings flip-flop by the second. Time is going by fast, now it's not moving. I think because I am so anxious to go to my next appointment to find out my weight, dilation (if any which I don't expect) and measurements. I'm glad they wanted to see me this week instead of me waiting until next week. I'll be heading there at 1pm tomorrow and happy Bryan is able to go with me this time. I guess I'll find out my results from the Strep-B test as well.

I'll post my appointment details afterward but I'm not expecting anything too out of the norm this time.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Just another day

We had our breast feeding class yesterday and it wasn't bad. Bryan went with me because he's a participatory father like that. Actually I had to beg and plead and promise I'd let him play Xbox all morning if he went. I just thought it would give him a better understanding of how difficult and tiring it can be (and worth it!). He was glad he went and there were a lot of males there so he didn't feel like a chump. And we are both very happy that all classes are complete!

Sooooo, I've been getting these pains lately and I'm not quite sure what they are or if anyone else has experienced them. They are kind of hard to explain too. I'll be sitting there minding my business and this excruciating sharp pain shoots through my vag and lasts for about a minute. It makes me want to jump out of the chair and clench on to anything I can. Anyone? Am I alone with this sensation? It's nothing like a contraction or doesn't feel crampy or like uterus action it feels more related to my exit. Is it revving up for the trauma it's going to be facing in 5 weeks? I think I'll mention to my Doctor, maybe he has some sort of explanation. But DAMN they hurt!

I feel very guilty and shitty over my thoughts yesterday. I was walking up to my car where I saw my reflection and for the first time I honestly thought “damn you let yourself get too fat.” I could really see it in my face. And I felt guilty because my next thought was that I don’t want to be pregnant anymore. Not because being pregnant can be tiring or that I’m uncomfortable but because I’m apparently so vain that I don’t want to gain anymore weight. I hate admitting that but it’s the brutal truth.

The 8 lb weight gain in the last 2 weeks really freaked me out. And with no excess fluid to blame it on as originally thought, it’s pretty much just weight gain! I know the baby probably really gained a lot too but still. And like I said previously, my appetite is out of control. What scares me is the thought of continuing to gain 8 lbs in 2 weeks. If I knew it would be more like 2 lbs I’d be OK. I was kind of depressed about it all day yesterday. There is no longer any fun in eating. If I eat healthy I’m miserable, if I give in to cravings I’m miserable. Just the other day I was saying how I loved my body right now and then it does a 180 and I suddenly can’t stand it. The maternity clothes I used to feel cute in I just feel like they look ridiculous on me now. I decided to break down and buy some NY Super Fudge Chunk but I also bought the Ben & Jerry’s low fat frozen yogurt chocolate brownie something something. It has about 18 grams less fat then my 1st choice and it’s not too bad. Not as satisfying but not as much binger’s remorse afterward!

I feel a little better about all that today so hopefully I was just being a downer yesterday. I’m hoping this is just a typical pregnant emotional roller coaster and I’ll get back to my jolly fat self.

We went and saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith today and it was very entertaining. They sure are a purty couple. Thank God for matinees, that's how much a movie should cost! I'm supposed to be home resting but my goodness when you feel fine it's hard to rest all day and then how am I supposed to sleep at night! So we do one short, low impact outing a day on the weekend. I'm so paranoid I'm going to run into someone from work. How do I explain being at the movies on rest?

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Belly Cast

Almost the finished product. It needs more drying time and some fine tuning. We had every intention of putting my arms in it like this but it was more of a pain than we thought it would be. We took the easy way out.

It wasn't the easiest thing but far from difficult but I knew Bryan was working hard and really getting into his "masterpiece." I'm so glad we did it!

I haven't decided on the painting yet. I kind of like it in it's simple form now.

Belly Casting in Action

It actually dries fairly quickly and comes off easily if you're nice and slathered up in vaseline. Hence my slimy skin.


Me birth-ballin' it up. Not quite sure what it's doing but I'm sure it's doing something!

(new camera, haven't figured out all the settings yet so crappy quality)

Lame-o or what?

Am I a big cheeseball for liking this? (In black of course!) Cute or trite, cute or trite? Hmmmm...Screw it I like it!

I hate to even admit I saw it my shamelessly favorite mag, Us Weekly. But I swear I've seen this locally before....Fell's Point maybe?

Damn Canines

I love my dogs, I really, really do. They bring me such joy and I'd give my life for them. But damn they are getting on my nerves! I have never spent so much uninterrupted time with them before and thank God for that!

Jolie has serious anxiety and she is just a walking stress ball. She is sitting there so calmly and you go to pet her and she just gets all wiggly and freaky. She is also a bulldozer and just pummels her way through anything, including your legs as you are standing on them.

Valentine can be so timid and hesitant about everything that you just want to slap him and say "wake up!" He'll just look at you with a completely blank look as though he can't hear you speaking then after 5 minutes a light goes off in his head and he's like "oh your talking to meeee. OK here I come."

And both of them don't know what the hell they want to do, they want to be inside, no outside, in the room with me, out of the room. Whining at every door in the house. If you put them on the other side of the door they whine that they want to come back. It's a full time job just trying to figure out where they want to be. Well I know where they want to be, in the bed under the blankets with me. Or more accurately in the bed to themselves because apparently I just get in their way when we nap.

They've had medical problems from day one, it's always something from Jolie's patella luxation in both knees costing a couple thousand to repair, to her being allergic to every insect bite or any vaccination the vet gives that she balloons up like the losing guy in a boxing match. It's always an event with her. Then Valentine and his epilepsy or chronic allergies, just one test and treatment after another. They can't eat the cheap dog food, no they need Rx allergy dog food since Valentine is allergic to everything on the planet a dog would normally consume.

But now, the kicker, they have some freaky bacteria that has given them lava-like poop for way too long. Unresponsive to the first antibiotics, they are now on round 2 and, AND their previous special diet isn't enough. Bad enough we have to buy special dog food but until this bug up their ass dies we have to cook them boiled chicken breasts and brown rice.

I don't cook for me, Bryan or anyone else yet I find myself at 6am today (couldn't sleep) boiling chicken and rice, chopping it up into tiny pieces and measuring it out. What is wrong with this picture? And I hate chicken. I am one of the few non-vegetarians that think chicken is the grossest thing. Especially raw which I had to fondle today. And even when it was cooked and I was cutting it up it made me want to gag.

Oh what we won't do for our kids. This is nothing compared to the real thing, right?

Friday, June 10, 2005

You can relax, they are back

Back by popular demand, the baby links to the right here are up and working again. We had issues with the original domain they were hosted on so needed to switch them over. I keep meaning to fix the page up and make it prettier and easier to read because I can be kind of anal like that but just haven't gotten around to it. But I'm glad to know many of you find it useful. Oh speaking of these links, check out the rockin' baby sling I just got (very first one on the page, it’s reversible). It’s literally a Rockin’ Baby Sling. It just came in today so I haven’t messed around with it yet. I had one pouch sling already but this one with the rings will fit both Bryan and I. I love a lot of their slings, this one was one both Bryan AND I agreed on. I don’t know why he wouldn’t feel comfortable wearing the black with pink stars!

I forgot to mention how we skipped yesterdays Baby Care class #2. I was kind of disappointed we didn't go because I really wanted to see the CPR but I had a feeling with how undetailed they are, I could find the same info on the internet. It wasn't going to be like we each had our little fake baby to practice on. She probably would have just demonstrated in front of the class or played a dumb movie. I still have my breastfeeding class to go to this Saturday so I'm looking forward to that.

My appetite is out of control. It's kind of scary just how bad it is these days especially after recent events. And I have no cravings for anything healthy, I was trying to force some grapes down which I normally love but all I keep thinking about is Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk with a nice side of Dunkin' Donuts (yes Dunkin' Donuts kick Krispy Kreme's ass!) And nothing seems to fill me up. I am literally starving, stomach growling and everything. I don't know what to do! But if I step on that scale again Tuesday and she says 8lbs one more time I'm going to yank the baby out right then and there. I CAN'T gain more than 70 lbs. Do you hear me? I CAN'T! Well I am sure I easily could but if it's looking that way then I'm just going to start eating the fat off of my own body instead of eating everything in site! I'm gonna have to nurse every baby on the block to help burn additional calories!!!

We're planning on doing my belly cast this weekend. I wanted to wait as far along as I could but think my belly is big enough these days. We'll get the idea! I'll post some pics of it once it's done!

Results are in...but why aren't I happy??

It is all good news, everything is fine and looks good. My fluid levels are normal, everything is NORMAL. So why am I such a sad sack now? The reason for me measuring so largely is because he's already 6 lbs. A lot of people give birth to a 6 lb baby!!!! He's still in the normal size range he's just at the high end of the range. For those who know me, what is the one thing I didn't want? A large baby!! Guess what I'll be having, a large baby!! I go from thinking I’ll be having a tiny preemie to a monster.

They say they typically gain 1/2 lb a week at this point. That is typically speaking. If that were the case he'd only be in the 8 lb range but not my super-baby, I'm sure he'll probably gain at a rapid weight of 2 lbs a week. Oh lucky, lucky me. They did say they'd induce me if he got too large but unless there is a medical reason then I don't want to be induced. My sister gave birth to a 9 1/2 lb baby so if she can do it, I can do it! I just don't WANT to do it!

She did say that he could have been positioned weird when she measured, he could of had his back arched or been really stretched out but it doesn't change the fact that he still looks 6 lbs in the sonogram. And if I may speak frankly about his uh….frank and beans, he’s beans were rather uh, um large to say the least. So maybe he’s 3lbs baby and 3lbs testicals. There was even a hint of shock in the sonogram tech’s voice when she pointed them out. Well at least we’ll know he’ll be able to support himself with his thriving Boogie Nights career.

I am grateful that all is well though and if a big baby is my only complaint then we are very lucky. You better believe though I'll be doing my "baby come now" dance at 37 weeks! So where will I be for the next 5 weeks…laying down with my hands in my crotch working on loosening up that perenium!

Thursday, June 09, 2005

House Arrest: Day 2

Yup, still sitting at home...alone....bored. No it hasn't been that bad really although it is only day 2. Just 34 more days to go right?

I'm getting my schedule down, I now remember the times all the birth shows are on Discovery Health so I'm watching those which actually forces me to REST. I get a lot of phone calls "How are you doing, are you OK? Are you resting?" It's hard to rest when I have to answer the phone every second! I try to take my mid-morning nap from 11-12 since I hardly sleep at night now between anxiety, peeing and I think I'm getting the whole restless leg syndrome crap. Bryan is then home from 12-1 then more birth shows! It's really not that bad during the day, it's the evenings that seem long once I've done all the resting I could during the day. And the weekends will be tough.

I was hoping to hear about my sonogram by now. I know they said 2 business days but they just say that and usually have it sooner. But I refuse to call for the results before the 2 biz days are up. It would have been nice to know something before my mom left for Florida today but her and the rest of my family all have their cell phones on and battery chargers ready waiting for the news.

So say the sonogram doesn't show anything abnormal other than some extra fluid...then what? Just keep me resting and make sure I don't suddenly shoot to the size of 55 weeks? I assume they just want to make sure I don't keep getting bigger and bigger and if I do then I'm assuming that will mean an induction. I know, I know, I need to ask my doctor this shit and I will! There are just millions of questions that run through your mind AFTER the fact.

I guess I should at least shower incase they call with the sonogram results and say "head to the hospital now, it's time to deliver!" I can't show up there in my 2 day funk. I just may even attempt to do my own pedicure although I'm not quite sure if that's possible at this point.

And incase you were wondering, my perineum "massage" (read slow death by streching) really isn't that bad anymore. After the first day it's tolerable. It must be working! I'll tell you though I'll be PISSED OFF if I go through all this and end up delivering by C-section! Who the hell wants to do the perenium streching for no fucking reason?

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

House Arrest: Day 1

I really need clarification on what I can and can't do. My doctor doesn't want me working and wants me home resting but I'm not on "bed" rest. And she even said I don't need to stay in bed. So what does this mean? Can I do laundry (hope not!)...can I go for a walk around the block even with Bryan? Can I walk to the corner and get a pedicure I so desperately need? Can I sit at the PC all day and blog stalk just like I would at work? This is a very grey area so when they call with my ultrasound results I need to remember to ask. Bryan wants to go to the movies this weekend and I immediately say "Sure!" But oh wait...I don't know can I? If I can go to the movies, couldn't I be working? I was kind of thinking this home rest thing was M-F, aren't I silly? I kind of thought it was just eliminating work but everything else would be normal which is stupid of me to think. So should we skip Baby Care Class #2 tomorrow? I have my breastfeeding class Saturday which I really, really want to go to, am I supposed to skip it? I decided I'm going because it's at the hospital. If something were to happen I couldn't be in a better place right? But should I not drive??? When she told me all this at the appointment yesterday I was still in shock from my 44 week uterus so I couldn't think of all these questions at that moment.

But today wasn't bad but I can tell it's going to be a long 5 weeks if I literally need to be in the house 7 days a week (missing out on my favorite time of year!) Bryan works a few blocks from our house so he came home for lunch and we left shortly after for my ultrasound. And I did my first load of baby wash. I kind of freaked out because I thought he literally can come any day now and so I need to be prepared! I thought the laundry would take me all day but it's funny when clothes are that small you can wash clothes, blankets, bibs, sheets, everything in practically 1 load. Bryan has his office on high alert so they are pretty flexible with him working from home on his trusty laptop (as to not interfere with my blogging) so I'll hopefully have some company. And he's low maintenance so I don't even need to shower for him.

Speaking of which Bryan already reminded me to make sure I brush my teeth daily and bath occasionally. He knows me, if I don't have anywhere to go I will remain in my "just woke up state" all day long....for days....weeks even and months if I can get away with it.

My boss was super cool about me not being able to come to work anymore, I was surprised. I know she's freaking out because they seriously, seriously need me but she didn't let on. She just told me not to worry about that place and just take care of myself. I'll be collecting Short Term Disability which is 66% of my pay until I have the baby then I'll go back up to 100% pay for 9 weeks. Then I have to kick my employer while their down and tell them I'm not coming back FT. Oh looking forward to that.

So the ultrasound appointment was very routine. The tech couldn't tell us in nothing. She couldn't tell us what the baby's heart rate was (even though Bryan saw it on the screen) she couldn't even tell me if he was facing to the right or the left. She was very nice though. Bryan watched the screen even though he didn't want to (he doesn't want to know what he looks like) but everything was very hard to make out. We got a lot of print outs but they really don't show anything. Not worth me posting. The previous ultrasound picture was definitely the best shot. She said it's because he's so big now it's hard to see anything. (Which made us wonder....”so big” as in bigger than he should be for his age or “so big” as in normal 35 week size?) We'll have to wait to find out because she sure wouldn't say! But he was sucking on his hand, drinking the amniotic fluid, yawning, he seemed as comfortable as can be. She said the ultrasound will give an estimate on his current weight, they measured him and they checked the fluid around him as well as my cervix and ovaries. She said they will fax the results to my doctor in 2 business days. So I don't expect to hear anything before Friday.

Our entire family is freaking out because everyone as in everyone is going to Florida the end of this week and through next week. So they are all certain that I'm going to go into labor early. My mom asked me if I want her to stay home but I really don't feel anything will happen in the next 9 days. But the problem is they are driving to Florida...they can't exactly rush back home if they need to. But my mom said she'll fly home and make my dad drive. I'm OK with that since I rather not have my dad there anyway. Even Bryan's mom is going to Florida for other reasons but she should be back early next week. She shouldn't miss anything. But I'll tell you, she needs the vacation because she is a worried mess. She has been since day 1 with this pregnancy when nothing was even wrong and events like this one only add fuel to the fire.

I just hope she doesn't do any of her own "research" online because I briefly looked up what could cause such excess fluid and one to measure so largely. I read measuring 3 centimeters too big is pretty common but not 9 like me! Hey, no need to half ass anything right?! I had to stop reading because I found the reasons can range from absolutely no problem at all to Downs Syndrome to problems with the Central Nervous system, etc. I have now demanded a cease fire for Bryan and I and anyone else who feels compelled to research it and share their findings. So if you happen to know of any reason why I can be measuring so large for 35 weeks...PLEASE DO NOT SHARE THIS INFORMATION WITH ME.

OK Bryan said I'm being too wordy so I should save something to talk about tomorrow. Looking forward to House Arrest: Day 2.