Sunday, November 20, 2005

Mama C-ta don't go around here no mo'

I've moved and you should come check out my new pad. So if ya wanna, leave a comment with your email address or email me directly.

For those who already have, the emails have just been sent out with my new location so let me know if you didn't receive it.

See you over there.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

any developers in the house?

I hate my new blog! I can't get it to look how I want so it's probably gonna end up being plain old boring black again. Wordpress goes beyond my very limited HTML knowledge. I suppose I could use one of the themes as is but that's too out of the box, wouldn't ya say? I know a silly thing to get hung up on.

Friday, November 18, 2005

All the cool kids are doing it, and you want to be cool don't you?

So follow me over to my new spot, I'll lead. Oh wait, not gonna publish the link here...yet. It's very, very creative URL too. So leave me a comment w/your email addy (unless you already have b/c I have it already if you already left it..already). If you don't want to leave it in the comments for the whole world to see, then email it to me.

Give me a few days it's not ready yet. I have something up but it's not quite speaking to me yet. Not "me" enough and frankly I have no clue what I'm doing so not sure if it will ever be "me." I'm just hoping it works. Hopefully it'll be done after this weekend.

Got nothing

Hey! We uh...I mean, it's been ummm, we've been having, aw shit. I got nothing to say. We haven't left the house all week, so here are some pictures to hold you over.

Oh did I mention he's crawling? Only the wrong direction and fine, it's not really quite a crawl. Well he's moving on his own at least. Or is that a bad thing? Yeah, I think it's bad. He does move faster than Sloth already too.

The starting point:

A few minutes later...

He gives up after he realizes his destination is getting farther (further?) and farther (further?) away.

Did I mention how much I love this blanket that Amy (a.k.a Hame) made us as a shower gift?? Go tell her it kicks ass and check out her awesome most recent belly shot (you'll have to scroll a little) along w/her two twin kidlings.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Dude, seriously let's do this

Candice is right on, a blogging-mommies convention? So there along with my meds to get over the whole social anxiety thing. Maybe I can just bring a laptop and hide behind it and just type everything I want to say.

Stalkers, you are welcome to come along too.


I'm totally torn. My anonymity has been compromised. Not that I was really trying to stay totally anonymous, I was just trying to keep this site out of the hands of family. This failed. Because some family search for our FAMILY blog by our names and not using the link that I had sent out, they stumbled upon this here site. It got back to my mom that I have a "secret" blog and it was said something about me being mean or whatever. My foul language was mentioned but I don't really care about that, I just hate knowing that eyes are watching me. Eyes I don't want to be watching. Kinda takes all the fun out of it.

So, should I move to a new secret local and actually stay incognito or should I just say screw it and stay here? I don't want to lose any readers by moving but then again if you are really interested in what I've got going on here then you'll be up for putting forth the effort into updating one little ol' link. But I've made a name for myself here. Ha, just kidding, but seriously I happen to like the name Mama C-ta. (And since this came up a few times in the last couple days, Mama C-ta = Mama because I'm a mom, C for my name, duh and when you say it out loud it's like "mamacita," the Spanish slang for "baby." Or at least that is what the nice Spanish speaking girl I worked with confirmed for me since I needed to know what the Mexican guys we're yelling at me as I walked by.."Hey Mamacita!")

Anyway, what to do, what to do...think I better sleep on this. Tell me this, would you follow along with me to my new site, lurkers and all? You know you would have to give me your email addy because I obviously couldn't post my new link now could I? That would defeat the purpose. So would ya? Huh? Huh?

*note to family - this is not the site you are looking for. What you are looking for is the G-rated edited version over here. This is the director's cut, the raw version. The real deal!
MY deal so move along!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Need a reason

Hey J, please tell me you ARE teething because you are acting a bit schizo. If you aren't, you better come up with a better excuse!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Making a very sloooow transition

Thought I'd give you all a little update on my cloth diaper experience. It's probably the slowest transition ever but a good cloth diaper is wonderful. The boy is so soft and cuddly and it has to feel better to him as well.

I haven't had much brain power with everything else going on to put into researching the style and brands I wanted plus with his nasty poops he has 100 times a day I wasn't all gung ho on wanting to break in the cloth that way. I was afraid it would also alter my poop observations which my life revolves around at the moment. And I've been having to use bum creams for his hiney hole and from what I read you shouldn't use those when using cloth?? Plus the upfront money has been tough when I've been watching my savings account dwindle due to early Xmas shopping. Anyway, enough excuses. In the meantime I tried the Tusshies GEL-FREE disposables and they suck ass. There is a reason they started putting gel in disposables I guess.

I've tried a couple very basic fitteds, nothing fancy, hand-me-downs from a friend with velcro covers and wasn't very crazy about them. I don't think the fit was good for him really and this material (I think it's just plain cotton??? have to check) allowed the wetness to be all up on him like after 1 pee. So wasn't too crazy about that. It didn't leak but it didn't seem very comfortable to me. The cover was cute though. I really like all-in-ones and I just tried out our first pocket style Fuzzibunz and I must say I loved it! I just wanted to squeeze him because his bummy was so soft and the micro-fleece material kept him nice and dry after 4 hours (I know that can be a bit long in one diaper, not the norm for us I swear!) I just used the regular micro-fibre insert that came with it. He didn't poop so I don't have a review on that but it held in the peeps very well and once again, his skin was dry to the touch unlike the fitteds I used. Not to mention they come in black. Black diapers! Wish I had these in the summer with his black onesies. This time we opted for the olive to coordinate so nicely with the babylegs we all love to love.

So bottom line, I love a good cloth diaper and they are just as easy to use as disposables, you know, aside from having to wash them. I just wish I had enough good cloth ones to make it through an entire day.

Weird thing about cloth is there are some really killer diapers out there...but then usually the really cool ones require a cover, I hate the thought of something so pretty being covered. Like the chocolate velour with mint colored stiching and snaps. Now who would want to cover that??

Now for some mad skills and a snotty smile...well smirk and some other random cuteness.

You did wha??

At our last yoga class the teacher was telling us how she had babysat a friend's baby. The mom didn't leave a bottle because she said the baby wouldn't be hungry before they got home. And as you'd expect when there is no bottle backup, the baby was starving. So what did this yoga lady do? Have you ever heard of sugar titties? Well I haven't. She put some sugar water on her nipples and let the baby faux nurse.

Am I a prude or does this seem weird? I guess not so weird if you had prior permission but she said her friend couldn't believe she did that. I love my friends but I'm not sure I'd like them to take it upon themselves to let my baby suck their dry boobies. Guess that's something I have to remember to specify on our babysitter checklist. DO NOT LET MY BABY SUCK ON YOUR NIPPLES. That might call for a nanny-cam.


Head, throbbing. Migraine coming on. Overcome with need to vomit in nursery trashcan while keeping one hand on the baby on changing table at all times.

I used to get daily headaches and frequent migraines. During my pregnancy I was pretty much headache free and have been since. It came back with a vengence today.

Can't take anything, mustn't sabatoge the TED while making progress with unknown ingredients in pain reliever.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Well-Baby 4 Month

It was beautiful out today so we decided to hike it and I thought he would sleep in the sling on the way over. I was trying to avoid a very cranky baby at the doctors. Despite lack of sleep, he was wonderful.

He had a great appointment. I was concerned he didn't gain that much weight because his spare tire isn't much of a spare anymore and I'm constantly afraid of malabsorption with his chronic diarreah (not that I really thought there was need for concern but you know me, might as well worry anyway!). He didn't gain as much as usual, less than 3 pounds in the last 2 months. In previous months he gained 3 pounds in 1 month. But currently at 17 pounds even, still puts him in the 90% range. It is a drop from previously being in the 95%. I love when he's in the 90's, it reassures me he's doing alright. He grew almost 3 inches, 2 3/4 to be exact so he's now 27 1/2" which is still 95%. AND fortunately his head grew since last time I got all freaked because his pea head was only in the 50% which is kinda weird since the rest of him was 95%. Now it's in the 75%, I think he's just destined to have a lil ol' head.

The doctor said his development seems more like a 5 or 6 month old. Again, eases my mind since I'm all paranoid about the whole Failure to Thrive thing with his GI distress. I think J knew I had to fill out the chart with all of his accomplished milestones because he was putting on a show, making sure none of his talents went unnoticed. He's been very active lately by my GOODNESS someone must have slipped him some espresso beans before the appointment. He was rolling over non-stop on the exam table making it difficult to do anything. And the exam table paper was in shreds by the time we left.

He's got my knack for giving dirty looks though. It's like a reflex, I can't control it and it seems to have passed on to him. The doc would be talking to him and J would give him this look like "Are you kidding me?" Ahhh, that's my boy!

We didn't get into the GI stuff too much, I got the feeling he is more comfortable letting the GI specialist take the lead. I don't blame him. As long as he's growing as well as he is, the ped is happy. As previously mentioned his vaccinations are on hold for the moment so we didn't have to deal with that today. He said he seemed OK with his cold, like ears, lungs those sort of organs. The doc also thinks he's teething from the amount of drool and the way he was mouthing stuff. I don't put too much weight into that since this has been going on for a month now and you can teeth for a few months. I'm not expecting a little pearly white to show up tomorrow.

So this rolling over thing, I'd like it to stop now. It was cool the first 5,300 times but now I actually have to pay attention. I can't lay him down to play, then leave the room, eat dinner and watch a movie and then go back to him and expect him to be in the same place. Just kidding by the way, he was never left unattended like that, just seeing if you are paying attention. But seriously he's a mad man! What happened to my mellow mini-sloth? This is like, work now. I remember some of you telling me to enjoy my pregnancy because it won't ever be that easy again and I'm all like "la, la, la, I can't hear you!" with fingers in my ears. Hehe, um, sorry, you were right. I wish instead of them closing me up with staples they put a zipper in so I could just tuck him back in there for a breather every now and then.

He is a big ball of fun though. A big, HEALTHY ball of fun.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

A new day

I decided that with every post I need to start off by saying which personality is writing today. Is it the tired, cranky, hungry, beaten down, gloom & doom me or is it the well-rested, turkey-aint-so-bad, silver lining me? It seems they alternate days, I think you can guess who wrote yesterday but today I'm all about the silver lining. So just plan on Monday, Wednesday & Friday of this week to be all about the gloom. If you want to remain in a happy mood, only read Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.

Since today is a good day I'm saying forget formula, we can do this! Sometimes my pessimism overshadows the progress we ARE making.

The Good:
  • 4th day with no blood visible to the human eye
  • Poop actually looks pretty normal today - not ideal but not freaky "did this actually come out of him?"
  • Most were mucus free
  • His red ring looks a tad better
  • He IS happy every day - Not always all day but most of it.
  • He does NOT seem like he's in pain or uncomfortable anymore - The last couple days he'd wake up straining but it was because of a burp. He's impossible to burp to begin with but nursing laying down and falling asleep like that seems to make it a little worse.
  • Our brief stint with reflux seems to have subsided
  • He is growing and hitting his milestones - I can officially check off rolling over from back to stomach. Before it seemed almost accidental and he couldn't get his arm from underneath him without help. But yesterday I had him on his back and came back into the room and he was in push up position. He's done it several times since. He still isn't a fan of rolling over from stomach onto his back. He does it but not frequently. Plus he's a sitting up fool, put him on his back he's non-stop crunching those abs desperately trying to get up on his own.

The Bad:

  • Poops aren't ideal like previously said - I'm sure the mucuos he's swallowing from his nose is contributing
  • The fact his red ring worsened - which could be a result of the vapor bath I gave him for his congestion, I'm sure that isn't the most gentle on a sensitive bum.
  • His poor (meaning GOD AWFUL "please just kill me") sleeping - which I was reminded that he is working on some major milestones right now which is known to disrupt sleep. Plus he has a cold.

So you see the good outweighs the bad. And the bad I can't exactly blame specifically on allergies as with babies it could be a result of anything. I have to remember "during the healing the bad will come and go, it takes TIME." Must remember that. Repeat, must remember that.

We'll keep on keepin' on with the breastfeeding as long as we aren't regressing and as long as his well-being isn't in jeopardy. I just want to be clear that while I don't think formula is evil, I can't ever recommend it over breastmilk with good conscious unless there are EXTREME situations that can't be overcome. But again, I don't think it's evil, I don't think you are a bad parent if you choose formula and I don't think anyone should feel guilty if they are unable to breastfeed. I know, totally mixed signals there but that's me. A walking contradiction. I know almost first hand the guilt that a mother can feel (plus the "what is wrong with me, why aren't I good enough for my baby" feelings) if they HAVE to go to formula when they don't want to. It's just not right to feel that way although knowing that didn't stop me from feeling that guilt all too much. But I also want people to know my stance on the issue and that me going to formula, if it ends up that way, is going against a lot of my beliefs. (Stepping off soapbox.) Hope I didn't alienate too many of you, not my intention just gotta be the real me which isn't always a good thing.

Well enough about that. Yesterday we stayed indoors most of the day so J could get over his cold. The only time we ventured out was to go to Wal-Mart to get the allergen-free fever reducer. His cold was incentive to get it, I'd hate for him to suddenly have a fever skyrocket and not having anything safe to give him. So we took him out in his snotty pajamas, I went out in the top half of my pajamas and pants that might as well be pajamas, mascara under my eyes and my hair exactly how it was when I woke up. Bryan was the only one who looked decent, almost overdressed compared to us which says a lot since he was just in jeans. We looked a mess but we were just going to Wal-Mart for crying out loud and sadly fit right in. Which by the way I hate giving them my support but they happened to be the only place around here to carry what we needed. They trapped me into giving them Bryan's hard earned money. Damn that Sam!

Do or did any of you have one of the jumping things for your babies? Like a doorway jumper or a floor version? I was thinking of getting J the Jumparoo for Christmas, I'm too scared he'll bring the house down with a doorway version. But the yoga teacher was explaining why there is much debate over them. Ignore this if you already knew, but apparently one of the muscles (can't remember which now) has to extend as they grow which is why they start off all tippy-toed. By using the jumpers you are messing with the natural progression by either forcing their feet flat on the ground, repeatedly or it could prevent them from learning to put their feet flat on the ground not allowing that muscle to extend and may end up walking on their toes for quite some time. Kids, nothing but concern ain't they? You can't even buy a toy without worrying if you are going to ruin them for life. This is why I stick to clothes.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

The end is coming

J is still sick today but he seems to be in good spirits. However his "red ring" around his hiney hole is TERRIBLE. The worse I've seen it despite the tons of bum creams I've been slathering on. Since this is a big indicator of a food allergy, needless to say this is beyond discouraging. I feel like a wave came over me today and I realized what I'm eating has little effect on him and this TED is now pointless. It could be his cold has made his stool more acidic, or it could be something like teething making his poop worse that we aren't aware of or it could be I'm still eating something that is causing him problems. I've always been suspect of the rice, but I just can't bring myself to pull it from my diet. I wouldn't even know what to exchange it for. Nothing is safe, do you hear me? Nothing! I'm actually wondering if I could be dealing with BOTH a food allergy and Over Active Letdown which may have caused a foremilk/hindmilk imbalance. If his system was already sensitive, that could easily occur. I've learned that a temporary lactose intolerance can develop if the gut is already suffering from something like colitis. I stopped block feeding when my diet became so drastic, I was very worried about a drop in supply. Hell if I know, it could be a million other things or nothing at all. Maybe we're just screwed.

He has his well-baby Monday so I'm going to see what his ped thinks. And Tuesday I'm calling the GI back. I think I'm mentally ready for him to go on formula. 99.99% of the time breastmilk is best but that is not always the case when food allergies are involved and I need to understand this, I NEED to come to terms with it. At this point, no my milk is not better than a formula, not when something in MY milk is getting to him causing these issues. There are tons of babies who just couldn't thrive on breastmilk and were so much better off on a formula like Neocate. There comes a time when you just have to do what is best for your baby even if it goes against every fiber of your being.

Who knows, maybe formula won't help him and if that's the case he'll be right back on breastmilk. The only thing I'm now struggling with is should we scope him to determine if it is allergic colitis which would help confirm if the formula would help, or just go right to the formula? Do I have enough faith in the GI to read the biopsies well enough not to miss anything? Should we do more thorough (read: more evasive) of a scope, like a colonoscopy and endosopy instead of just a flex sigmoidoscopy, since things like this can be patchy and can be missed? How much do I want to put him through? How will I feed him the formula? I ordered the boob bottle last week but it feels like it's taking forever to get to me. We haven't tried giving him a bottle lately, it seemed like such a waste of breastmilk, time and frustration when I'm already mentally overwhelmed.

I *promised* to stick out the breastfeeding for the full 8 weeks. I'm on my 3rd week and I know it could take much longer for things to be better but when things are looking worse, that's not a good sign. I think this is is 3rd day in a row without blood in his stool, a positive sign. But with the worsening red ring, the degenerating sleep habits and continous mucous in his stool, it's hard to see anything positive right now, plus his stool is DARK, DARK green. I don't even have any vegetables in my diet, or anything of color, to blame this on.

This sucks and it's not fair (as I say stopping my feet and throwing a tantrum like a 4 year old!)

Friday, November 11, 2005

Mother's Day in November

I love my husband. Love! Him! Love him!! He brought me home a sweet card today and IN that card was a gift certificate to a spa for a massage, facial and manicure. Hallelujah!!

Funny he said there was a different package he wanted to get me but since I'm J's only food source, it couldn't be too many hours. I don't care, just being pampered for 5 minutes is more than I had in a long time!

He's so sweet, I'm one lucky gal.

Modeling agencies won't be knocking down our door

We had our "photo shoot" today and let's just say at least it was fun. First of all, J woke up terribly snotty. This must explain why he woke about every 45 minutes last night, wouldn't let me set him down in the co-sleeper and wouldn't even sleep next to me. Apparently the only place he was willing to sleep was on my chest while I was sitting up. Poor guy, this cold makes his first cold look like the picture of optimal health. Bryan thinks he got it at the germ-filled movie theater. Probably right. Back to photo shoot...

I was hesitant on taking him because of his cold but after we were up and about he wasn't snotty, seemed totally OK so I risked it. Not realizing as soon as he'd hit the outdoors the snot faucet would be turned on. I felt so bad for him. So when picture time came, he wouldn't really nurse, there was snot all over my boob and his face and he then spit up all over me which looked like a month's worth of milk. And naturally any spit up cloth I had was waaaaay on the otherside. I had to use someone's I didn't even know. Then I had the awkwardness of "do I take it home and wash it for her knowing I don't know her and would never see her again" or "just hand over the snotty, spit-uppy thing and let her deal with it?" I went for the latter, at least she got it back. This was a group shot so it wasn't like the camera was all on me and most likely we "faked" it well enough. Hopefully.

But it was a lot of fun. I got to meet the brains behind the book in person who is very, very nice (Hi Colleen!). She's so admirable, everything she does regarding breastfeeding and helping parents with all kinds of issues. She handed out little cards to keep on us with the Maryland law regarding breastfeeding in public incase someone tries to stop us. I can whip out my card like a police badge and say back the fuck up, these boobies are sticking around so you can either enjoy the show or go on your prudish little way. She also read to us what the book will say and it's just beautiful. I can't wait for it to come out!!

For some reason it was a little emotional for me. I kept wondering if I'd even be able to still breastfeed by the time we do get the book. So being in it means a lot to me. Before J was born my goal was to breastfeed for 6 months. Then in the beginning when we were having all the latch issues, my goal was to just TRY to stick with it for 1 year seeing how he loved it so. Then when I realized how much I loved sharing those moments with him I decided no harm in letting him go for 2 years. And now, I'm all for self-weaning. Which from what I understand can happen now or up to 3+ years. A friend of mine was breastfeed herself and her mom had every intention on letting her self-wean. But when she was still breastfeeding at 4 years old, her mom had to draw the line. I think that sounds TOTALLY reasonable and I think that would be my cut off as well. But man do I hope he wants to stop before then!!

All in all, a fun experience. Too bad it didn't happen on a healthier day.

Month 4

I haven't figured it out yet, either you are trying to put me in my grave early or you are trying to ensure your "only child" status will remain forever. The latter would make your father very happy. You thought if you put me through a grueling 20 weeks in pregnancy, a full day of vomiting in labor and a difficult delivery I wouldn't want to put myself through that again. Once you found out I would, you needed to move on to more drastic measures to make sure no sibling would ever push you aside. WILL YOU GET BETTER ALREADY?! If you get better and ease some of my worrying so I can sleep at night, I promise you will be the one and only (as I slyly cross my fingers behind my back.)

Needless to say this month has not been dull. It has been sleepless for sure, but not dull. You just recently started to smile and giggle without me having to act like a circus freak, hopefully killing your "serious" label that has been plaguing you for which I am very guilty of causing myself. I like to think of this outward silliness as a sign you are feeling better. Don't let me down. I imagine it would be hard to be all smiles when you constantly weren't feeling well. Regardless you have always been one for some silly expressions that we are fortunate enough to catch on camera.

Oh and the talking! My goodness the talking you do, Chatty Kathy. Non-stop "uuuuh, uuuuh, uuuuuh, uuuuuh, uh, uuuh, uuuuh, uh, uuuuuuh" (continue this pattern for another 10 minutes). Your father is right though, we can listen to it all day long. But this fake cough thing you got going on, it's just too funny. The look that came over your face the first time you did that as you tried to figure out if it came from you and if it did, how do you do it again. Well you figured it out. That's my warning at 5am that either you are brought back into bed with us or else you're up for the day. I always take the former.

You are just so active now; I'm starting to wonder how I will be able to keep up with you when you can actually GET AROUND. On your own. You kick your strong little legs like crazy; I might even say its borderline thrashing. This allows you to see how much water you can take OUT of the tub faster than I can refill it. You bat and you swat at all of your toys or anything within reach. There isn't anything you don't put in your mouth, except for a bottle (yes, we're still not done with that yet!) I think your favorite plaything is now your very own hands. You love to hold them in front of your face turning them over and all around to see every angle. You like to watch your right hand intertwine with your left. Most of all, you love to shove the entire thing into your mouth. As if that wasn't too much, you see if you can stuff your other hand in there as well. Sometimes even while nursing.

The other thing your hands are really good at now is ripping chunks of my hair out in the same spot at the nape of my neck. Sometimes I see it coming and can dodge and weave out of your grasp but other times you manage to grab hold as if your life was depending on how hard you can pull and how much hair you actually remove from my head. I'm not the only one lucky enough to experience this, hair is even optional. With your dad you just like to grab onto his flesh in the same spot which looks even more painful.

You almost, almost can roll over from your back onto your stomach. You have done it sort of. It started off as comforting mattress sucking but has developed as you realized there is actually a benefit to you being able to turn over by yourself.

For some reason you manage to do it only when you are asleep on your back. This must be another test, to see how well I can handle walking into a room to see my baby face down and how long it takes me to rush and flip you over as I check for signs of life. Yeah, not so funny kid. All day you do your little crunches, desperately trying to sit up on your own. I can see the frustration you have with a mind that wants to go, go, go and a body that just can't keep up. But last night, with the help of your father you were pulled into the sitting position and left to fend for yourself. And you did it. You figured out if you use your arms you won't topple over. You sat like this all by yourself forever.

One of your favorite pastimes is watching the ever so popular Baby Einstein movies. As much as I hate to have you watching TV (there is plenty of time for that later in life, just ask your father) the joy that comes over your face when you see the rooster puppet, is just too precious for me to deny you of that pleasure. You are mesmerized by it and every now and then you let out a giggle and look at us to see if we thought the same part you've seen 100 times was funny. Little do you know we can't take our eyes off of you to watch the movie.

We finished our yoga class which you seemed to enjoy. Even at home when I do "Baby Planet" or "Womb Wings" you give me the same big grin.

And today we will be captured forever during one of our most bonding moments. We will be in a children's book about breastfeeding that will be published and something we can always cherish.

I've never seen you evolve so much as I have this past month. We still have some hurdles to overcome but there is nothing I won't endure for you and nothing we can't overcome. You are not "serious" or "sick" or "enter any other label here" but you are all J. 4 months of pure perfection.


Thursday, November 10, 2005

I've been had

I've been swindled. I agreed to a 36", not a great brand, decent price TV that Bryan was happy with. Somehow it turned into a 42" upgrade that has more than doubled in cost from what I agreed to. Fine, it's cool, I like it and yes I actually think it's worth it.

Bryan can use the PC in the living room and not pester me while I use the PC in the kitchen. It even does a split screen so it's half TV half PC and it's not even annoying to watch TV while he uses the PC at the same time. (Wish I had a pic of that but I'm sure you can use your imagination.) See, email at 42"!

It bought us so much room just waiting to be filled up.

And it allowed our PC armoire to go from this clusterfuck (and this is after Bryan removed the 2nd PC, 2nd set of speakers and shit-I-don't-know-why-we-need)

to ta-da!

And now the clusterfuck is nicely hidden away in a closet AND by doing this our house is even more baby-friendly. No little baby hands all over the DVD, Xbox or TV.

String of fun

Does she taste as good as she looks?

How about this one?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Are your ears burning yet?

Speaking of Mamaloo, I just wanted to say how much she rocks. She offered and delivered the best baby tummy massage techniques. J, I and those stubborn poohs, that didn't stand a chance against my new soothing touch, are forever grateful.

Also, I got a really nice email from thanking me for the shoutout on my blog. It appears one of you all (was it you??) and new babylegs customer credited me for the referal. Again, I thank you sincerely. But, credit must go where credit is due because if it wasn't for Fuzzy Peach, I'd be none the wiser to the babyleg craze.

Can I tell you how smiley and giggley J has been lately? I can even catch them on camera now. Still get the flash-induced googley eyes, good thing it doesn't take away from his cuteness.

Hey, I know you

It's funny when you go to a website and unexpectedly see this.

Thanks Mamaloo for thinking of us!

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

T-day Trial

We had our Thanksgiving meal trial tonight. Probably the lamest T-day meal ever but let me tell you, it was mighty fine to me! We had an all-natural turkey which turned out great. I was afraid it would be all dry and flavorless since the turkeys we're used to are injected with butter and "flavor." That's one thing this diet has taught me, no food is sacred. It's all been injected or chemically man-handled in some way. I think once I'm done with this diet I'll still go for the all-natural food with ingredients I can pronounce. As nature intended. It's made me more aware of what I've been stuffing my body with.

The turkey was goood. Oh my God I ate dark meat even. I haven't had dark meat in so long because it's too fatty. It's so wonderful not having to worry about fat since I know I don't get enough as it is. And turkey skin, yuuuum yum. Slimy skin, this was such a nice change. We got tons of turkey drippings so I made gravy. Do you know how important this was? Gravy is like a sauce, a condiment other than olive oil. Before this diet I would never touch gravy. Ever. But now, I could drink it straight. It was something different in my diet. And it was diet approved as long as it was made with organic rice flour. I made mashed potatoes even, another amazing change. Since I couldn't use milk and just mashing up plain potatoes isn't very exciting I came up with the brilliant idea to mix them with gravy and mash it up together. OK brilliant it probably wasn't but it made it seem like they were real mashed potatoes. Next time though, I'm just gonna mix them with the turkey drippings before I make that into gravy. That's why we had this trial before the big day. But just using the turkey juice would give them a great consistency too and then I'll top them off with gravy. Ohh, mouth is watering all ready.

I don't think B found this meal to be quite an impressive Thanksgiving meal as I did but you know what, it wasn't rice and it wasn't ground turkey breast. And that is something to be thankful for. Sure it was missing the corn and pies and the hundreds of other side dishes that go along with it but this, oh this was a gourmet meal for me. B does have a guilt-free pass to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner at his mom's to get a real holiday dinner but he is sacraficing his FAVORITE meal to eat bland-o-rama with little ol' J and I, AKA this year's holiday scrooge.

What's the best part of Thanksgiving meal? The endless leftovers which I'm off to enjoy right now. I just better make sure I don't get sick of it by tomorrow because it's all I have to eat for the next week straight.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Support can only last for so long

Bryan is home today and tomorrow from work in place of our anniversary vacation. We're just getting in some good family time. We had a great day today, we went to the mall, did a little shopping. Life is so much better when you are not on a schedule. I mean, we could just take our time, we didn't have anywhere to be. We were able to sit on a bench and just play with J for a good long time. We got tons of smiles and giggles out of him. It must be Bryan.

Bryan has been extremely supportive while I've been on this diet. He has refrained from our ritual of eating pints of ice cream in front of the TV. He's passed on his usual Starbucks during our outings. He's hid pies at his mom's house so it doesn't have to be in my face, he even refrained from eating our Holloween candy. He hardly has had any food at all that would tempt me. Until today while at the mall.

I was hungry about an hour after we got there. I was trying to convince myself my water was filling me up. I couldn't eat anything at the mall, but hell if I am gonna leave already and ruin our fun. Bryan was trying to hold out too but he got weak. WEAK! He needed a coffee and of course the closest place was Cinnabon. Do you hear me, Cinnabon! Why the hell did I go up to the counter with him just to stare at the ooey gooey sweetness? It was painful. Apparently that coffee wasn't enough, he needed to hit up the Starbucks. This is where we sat and played with J, right in the path of the heavenly aroma. Then we're both starving but only ONE of us was able to go to the food court to get some food. Meanwhile I continued to shop with my damn bottle of water while he chowed down on some fast food in the most perfect form.

Can't say I blame him, he's been a trooper. Just not as strong of a trooper as I am. Jerk. He did get a haircut to make up for it, I guess it all evens out.

Incredible Shrinking Woman

Not related but I wanted to first say, that movie used to disturb the shit out of me when I was young. And it always seemed to be on when I woke up early on the weekends.

On to my post...

When my friend Molli visited from NYC and brought me loads of jeans, she brought various sizes to fit me during the post-pregnancy transition. The pair I liked the best were the smallest but they were far from closing. The largest pairs I could get on but it wasn't pretty enough to leave the house in. Well a couple days ago I tried the smallest pair on again just to see how much further I needed to go. Surprisingly, they fit! And they fit well! I dropped 2 sizes in a month, woo hoo. I better get something out of this allergy deal. I haven't gotten on a scale yet but I am pretty sure I'm only mere pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. I never thought I would be able to lose all 60 pounds. Well, I never thought I'd be eating the way I am either but what can ya do. Take the good with the bad.

What is really weird though is that my upper body is still fat. I have the fat belly, the fat arms. This used to always be the good half of me. And when I've lost weight before, it always went from the top first. So my upper body would have to get all skeletor before my body would even concider taking any fat from my butt and thighs. Now, it seems to be going away from the bottom up. Definitely a good thing and something abnormal for me but I'm so used to having nice arms, I hate seeing them all puffy still when I think I'm losing weight (see photo to the right). With all that said, I would prefer to weigh 10 more pounds and actually have some muscle in this flab suit. Muscle is something that is MIA from this bod. Oh well, at least it makes stuffing myself into clothes much easier when you are all squishy.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Hey nursing mamas!

This is especially for those in the Baltimore area...

Owner of My Baby and More (Parent coaching and educational services) is putting together a book for children to promote breastfeeding. It will be out in Spring titled "Near Mamas Heart." She is looking for some more photos of moms and babies nursing AND, this is the cool part, she is going to be doing a group photo of a bunch of nursing mamas this Friday. So if you are in the Baltimore area, you should go, I'll be there! And if you aren't in the Baltimore area, you can still submit photos of you and your babe. Visit this link for more info on the book, the photos and group shot. She has a list of things she is looking for. If you scroll down to the bottom she has a couple sample pages of the book, and WHAT DO YOU KNOW? It's me and J! We're going to be published, my boobie and all!

For those who don't want to or can't participate, you should still go pre-order the book, like now. Because who wouldn't want to own a picture of J and I??

You can't complain if they are free

I forgot to mention I received my free pair of babylegs and lets just say I'm glad they were free. The ironic thing is it was a style I wanted to order. But they look much better online in a little thumbnail. If you are curious go to their catalog and scroll down to their fall section. The brown/gold stripe...yeah that's them. I thought they looked rather cute online but not so much in person. The "gold" is more of a vibrant yellow and not a thing in his closet to coordinate with this odd color combo. It takes me back to my "Brownie" days. I'm all for funky mis-match but anything I put him in will definitely mis-match, it will just be missing the accompanying funkiness.

But here is a picture of his other pair. Now this pair...I LOVE. Next on my list, the Argyle or Green Jester, because now I am definitely an addict.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

One year ago today

We found out our lives were never going to be the same again. And thank God. We were in Chicago to visit my sister and friends when I woke up early Friday 11.5.04 to pee. But this was no ordinary pee. This was THE pee that told us little J was on his way.

It was the best weekend. We were on vacation, we found out we were having a baby and it was our 5 year dating-anniversary. Life couldn't get better.

November 5th will always be a very important day to me. But, I can't help being a little depressed today. We normally celebrate our anniversary by going away but because of dietary reasons we were forced to stay home. We couldn't even go out to eat or order a pizza. We did have our fun moments today but over all it was pretty darn stressful. The house is torn apart, literally, because of an all-important TV. And when projects like this go on here, things don't always go smoothly. Incase you haven't noticed, we're not very lucky. The most random shit seems to happen just to kick us when were down. So things break, endless curse words are said and buttons are pushed. Plus I'm still running on no sleep, no food but enough worry to keep me awake for days which makes me one big bitch.

Not quite what I envisioned for this day but surprisingly I wouldn't have it any other way. I love this messed up family of mine.

Mattress sucking

This goes with my post below. A demonstration of J comforting himself by sucking on the ground and/or mattress which then turns in to him sleeping face down. His clear sleeping position of choice regardless of how many times I turn his head so he can, you know, BREATH.

Friday, November 04, 2005

But he doesn't want to sleep on his back

We all know you are supposed to put your baby to sleep on their backs to reduce the risk of SIDS. Well from very early on J would always turn on his side, he hated being on his back. I tried to stop him but he always managed to end up on his side. I came to terms with that and I had the little sleep positioner things to keep him from going on his stomach.

Well now he manages to end up on his stomach. He's very determined I tell ya. It freaked me out to walk into the room to see him face planted in his co-sleeper. So...if he constantly turns onto his stomach himself, then what??

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Deep breaths

Today was a little better. The night was still awful and we got no sleep but he seemed to get better throughout the day. I'm hoping yesterday was a crazy fluke. It was awful, it took me back right to the beginning of this shit. His poop is still bad and he's had consistent blood again but the pain is what I can't stand to watch. I called his GI yesterday to ask her about the pain and she told me it's normal for allergic colitis. Which I knew it was I was just trying to explain this is how he was in the beginning but it completely went away with dietary changes. I didn't understand why it would suddenly come back. She didn't seem concerned. Oh they never are. Which reminds me, Dr. A-hole allergist hasn't called me back. I have a lot of people on my shit list but he just got bumped to the top.

I told the GI his stools are still watery and mucousy and she again told me she's fine with the mucous and blood during the healing but if he is still having watery stools in 2 weeks then she wants to do a scope. I wasn't sure what kind of scope but concluded it's probably a flexible sigmoidoscopy since she said it would be quick and he'd be awake for it. Still scares the watery poop out of me. Otherwise my follow up is the end of December. Looking back I am mad that I didn't pursue his initial green stools more. I questioned them but was repeatedly told by our ped and others that green is normal. It can be but I knew his weren't. I knew something wasn't right. I questioned myself and assumed it was first-time mom paranoia. Even his moaning during the daytime he used to do. It's all so clear to me now. It always is isn't it? I just feel like if I trusted my instincts then, we'd never be this far gone.

Our pediatrician called to check in on J and I thought that was nice. I mainly just bitched about the allergist, I had to voice my complaints to someone! He validated my concerns and actually said he wasn't happy with the report he was given from him. And it took the allergist forever to follow up with our ped when he requested more info. I also asked him his thoughts on putting J's next vaccines on hold since they should be in 2 weeks. He is fine with it for a little while. My concern is I don't want to do anything more to his system than I have to. And with him having such freaky symptoms already I was afraid I wouldn't see signs if he was having a reaction to the vaccine. Not to mention if he did get a high fever from it, he wouldn't be able to take the infant tylenol because of the corn syrup. An allergy-free supository was recommended to me which is good to know incase we need it but the last thing I want to do to him is make his bum anymore uncomfortable.

I just still can't believe it's come to this. I've never dreamed I'd be eating this little. Ever. I remember thinking my life was over when I had to eliminate dairy. Now if I only had to eliminate one food group I'd be in heaven. But dairy is probaby the 1 food group I really want back! I can deal with out meat, nuts and eggs and probably even corn, but I want some fucking dairy. I would take dairy over soy any day.

I was so exhausted after 2 sleepless nights in a row and no calories to keep me going. Sometime this morning I handed J to Bryan and said "can you take him for a while?" I wasn't sure what he'd do and I knew he had to get ready for work but he took him and played with him and managed to get ready. And by the time he had to leave for work, J was ready for his first morning nap. So it was like I got to sleep until 10am. Just having that hour break in the morning did wonders. I wasn't planning on going to yoga because I thought he would be having a bad day and thought I'd be too tired. But after my great sleep from 6am-10, I decided to go because if I didn't I would mope around the house. I'm so glad I went. And after I wanted to treat myself to something and I GOT MY CAR WASHED inside and out. I've been wanting to do this since January! I never thought a car wash would make me feel like a new person. I've tried to go shopping to cheer myself up but I'm too depressed to shop for myself. Is that possible?? Too depressed to shop sounds rediculous to me. After all my depression a few years ago was the main source of my credit card debt. But I want to buy skirts and heels and then I realize my life has no purpose outside of sweats and slippers. Where the hell would I wear a skirt? And heels?? If it was at least Summer I would wear skirts and flip-flops.

After I got home and had my lunch, J was ready for his 100th nap of the day. He only cat naps now much to my dismay, kinda like our nights! I normally don't nap with him in the afternoon anymore because they are usually 30 minutes at the most. And after a 30 minute nap I'm more pissed off. Fuck a power nap. But I needed sleep today, any sleep at all. Imagine how happy I was when I woke up at 5pm!! And J slept until 5:45... a 2 1/2 hour nap! A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. This doesn't happen around here. Yeah I'll be up all night now from napping so late but damn I feel good now! Hell I even put the laundry away that's been laying around for 2 weeks. J had to go to bed an hour later but so far so good. I always get ahead of myself but could a long nap indicate....more progress? Could it? Probably not but any false hope to help me make it through until tomorrow will do.

My Boulder

Nice to wake up to this from the man who is constantly talking me off the ledge:

Swats, (<--- one of the many pet names he has for me)

I know you had a rough night and are probably hating life today, and that fact that I won't be able to give you break tonight because T is coming over isn't going to help. I will REALLY try to make it up to you over the weekend and my mini vacation.

I know that you are struggling with Juju progress but you are doing what is best, I am sure of it. We just need to be patient for a few more weeks. I want to support you as best I can.

You were my hero when your preggie, and now a superhero with all that you have gone through. Who would of thought you possessed such self displine?

Anyway, I was just thinking about you and all that you do and all that I don't or can't. You are appreciated and needed dearly by me and JuJu.

Still in love with you SIX years later!

-Bozley (<--- one of the many pet names I have for him)

I love this guy!

And all of you are my little rocks, helping keep me sane with all your love and support.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Getting weak

You know it really starts to wear you down emotionally when you are nursing your son in tears because all you can think about is "what did I eat that will hurt him today?" when you are now only eating 3 things. Suddenly over the last 24 hours his pain is back like it was in the very beginning. It's great to feel like you are poisoning your child. I'm ready for a highly-specialized formula trial and it takes a LOT for me, self-acclaimed BF nazi, to even say this. But not sure how to overcome the n0-bottle issue. Pumping with a manual and dropper feeding is too much for me to handle (I would however rent a hospital pump) plus the emotional strain of denying him the comfort of nursing. I'm giving it 2 more weeks...

I see how it is

The other night we made the painful decision to transition J back into his co-sleeper instead of our bed. Yes it is only 3 inches away from me but it's still not the same as being tummy to tummy with him, feeling his little baby breath on my face, feeling his little hand reach out in the middle the night to make sure we're still there. This was a tough choice.

The only reason we decided to do this was because he wasn't sleeping that well and I don't sleep well. I thought my tossing and turning could be keeping him awake, not to mention when I can't sleep I caress him and kiss him constantly. I figured it might be better for him if he wasn't right next to me. I assumed this would be a slow and trying process since he was one to love sleeping next to me or on my chest and at times HAD to sleep on my chest. Imagine my surprise when I laid him in his co-sleeper the first night and he went right to sleep. He couldn't care less! What the hell J, I thought we had some kind of bond here! I mean it wasn't like he never slept alone anyway, I would put him to bed in our bed for a few hours before we'd come up. So I know he was capable of sleeping by himself but I thought he'd STILL want us to curl up next to him when we came to bed. Nope. I even thought that once he woke up for his first feeding he wouldn't want to go back into the co-sleeper. Fooled me, again he went right back to sleep.

Wow, what a tough transition this was. Looks like I'm the only one having a hard time with it. Bryan asked the other night when we'd move him to his crib and I snapped "NEVER!" Fortunately Bryan said he doesn't want him out of our room either. Good thing since he doesn't have a choice. But I'm sure if we did J would sleep just as well as he does with us.

The worst part about this is neither of us are sleeping any better. But since he's content in there I might as well let it be. So now when I'm lying there awake I look over the edge into the co-sleeper. I stare at him waiting for any kind of stir hoping he won't be able to settle himself back down. But he usually can. They grow up so fast don't they, next thing you know they don't need us anymore!

I had a feeling his sleeping issues were because of his food allergies but I wanted to make sure it wasn't his sleeping arrangment too. Frequent nightwakings is a common sign of FA's. On the Parents of Food Allergic Kids (POFAK) forum they have a thread about "You know you are a POFAK when..." one of them said "..when your kid doesn't sleep through the night until he's 10 years old." Yipee, is that what I have to look forward to? I guess that is what death is for, catching up on all the missing sleep. So I'm chalking up his poor sleeping to that. Hopefully when we get it all straightened out it'll be better, or I'll have to come up with another excuse!

But lately I've had a teeny tiny glimmer of hope. A very tiny glimmer. There isn't blood in his stool daily anymore! This is a big step. It's still green and mucousy and at times very watery but I feel like SOMETHING is improving. I was also going to say he was sleeping a tad better as he had a 5 hour stretch the other night. And has been averaging 3-4 hours for his initial stretch without waking up 30 minutes after we put him to bed either. But it all goes downhill the rest of the night. And last night after sleeping 4 hours beautifully he woke up every 1 1/2 hour. Every time he woke up he was straining but not getting anything out but very little gas. I would nurse him and he'd fall asleep. I was trying to keep him awake to get a good feeding in hoping it would move things along for him but he'd fall asleep and be back up another hour later, same deal. Finally at 4am I sat up with him for 30 minutes helping him get it out by holding him in a frog position and putting counter-pressure on his belly. He would strain and push and make silly faces. And finally after 30 minutes he got some out. Then we had a repeat at 7am. So 1 step forward, 2 steps back and I no longer even get to cuddle with him at night.