Thursday, June 16, 2005

Have I lost my mind? Don't answer that.

I was sitting there after dinner when I realized I didn't brush my teeth yet today. Then I started to wonder if I brushed them yesterday, but that's irrelevant now. This made me realize I missed my dentist appointment today. This is SO unlike me! I don't miss appointments, I freak out if I'm 30 seconds late to an appointment. This lack of structure in my life that suddenly appeared has rendered my brain useless. Missing a dentist appointment may not seem like a big deal but it's substantial in my OCD world. And what really sucks is it took me 7 months to reschedule this appointment from the last time I had to cancel it. I make sure to go every 6 months but I had to cancel last November when I was plagued with death-like morning sickness. I'm so horrified of my absent mindedness that I can't bring myself to call them and reschedule. Maybe if another 7 months go by they'll forget I was the patient that didn't show. Either that or my teeth will rot out of my head.

I wanted to shake off the whole dentist incident so I got Sloth off the couch and we walked the whopping 10 feet to the grocery store so I could get my pie ingredients. Yup, I'm going for it. I'm sure Bryan will come home tomorrow with me passed out on the floor and Key Lime dribbling out of my mouth right next to an empty pie dish. But I bet I'll have a big, fat grin on my face too. And a big, fat ass but we'll worry about that later. My feet just seem to flatten under my additional 51 pounds I've been lugging around. As soon as I hit the store visions of chocolate covered nuts came floating through my mind. I tried to focus on the task at hand but couldn't shake the delicious image. Chocolate-covered-nuts...any kind of nuts would suffice. A big ol harry nut sac even as long as there is chocolate in the equation. I almost made it out of the store without any but damn those check out stands with the candy. Peanut M&M candy to be exact.

So yeah I bought some. I made sure to keep my eye on them, I watched them go over the little scanner, I watched them being placed into the bag with the gallon jug of water. I cringed at the thought of them being crushed under the water weight and I almost, ALMOST, took them out and put them in my purse. But I knew if I did that, they'd be gone before we left the parking lot. I wanted to wait, to prolong the foreplay if you will. We get home and Bryan puts the groceries away and I don't see the M&M's anywhere.

"Bryan, where are my M&M's?"
"I didn't see them."
"Well I bought them" (double checking receipt) "They are on the fucking receipt."
"Hun, they aren't here. Did you put them in your purse?"
"NO I didn't put them in my purse. I saw him put them in the bag with the fucking water. WHAT did you do with them??"
"I didn't do anything with them, I didn't see them. Maybe they fell out."
"They don't just fall out."

I am frantic at this point, I check the receipt for the 100th time and yup, still on the receipt. I even check my purse KNOWING I didn't put them in there. I try to rationalize with myself saying this is a sign; I shouldn't be eating them anyway. All the while I'm mumbling under my breath "fucking cashier probably fucking took them the fuck out after I looked away and they are probably fucking sitting right by him and he probably fucking saw them and thought 'oh shit, forgot her M&M's. Oh well.' Well not fucking oh well because I want the mother fucking M&M's and I'm fucking pregnant and he has no idea who he's fucking with, etc, etc more explatives."

I tried to let it go. I could eat the rest of the low-fat frozen Ben & Jerry's that's in there. Or my nice Weight Watcher Ice Cream Sandwiches. BUT I WANT MY FUCKING M&M'S! Every 30 seconds or so I yell to Bryan "I know you did something with them. You are fucking with me. You are just mad because you felt crazy earlier for thinking there was a stop sign there so now you are trying to make me feel crazy. I know they are here!"

I go and pee and Bryan casually walks into the kitchen and back into the living room. After I'm done I go back into the kitchen and look in my purse. Well whaddyafuckingknow, there are my M&M's. Bryan doesn't realize how close to death he was.

8 Comments:

Blogger dakotablueeyes said...

OMG no man should fuck with a pregnant woman that way. Hope you enjoyed your M & M's

10:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you. You've made my day. I haven't laughed so hard this early in the morning EVER. Reminded me of when I was pregnant and my husband brought home a burger without the bacon that I had requested.

8:01 AM  
Blogger loopis said...

I didn't touch your m&m's..... you know if I was messing with you I would have put them in your pillow case or something like that. and by the way did you know you said "fuck 15 times in this one post!

8:45 AM  
Anonymous Carol said...

"Bryan doesn't realize how close to death he was."

Hmmm...I think he did know how close he was which is why those M&M's magically reappeared, lol!

Great entry!

10:05 AM  
Blogger Elaine said...

Sounds like something my boy would do... and would die for. Freaking husbands and their lack of craziness when it comes to chocolate. Do they have ANY idea what they are messing with here?

3:17 PM  
Blogger KELLI BELLY said...

Cara, I still can't get the vision of you eating a chocolate covered hairy nut sack out of my head.

3:30 PM  
Blogger Brandi said...

HAHA! Funny as shit!

7:05 AM  
Blogger Ticket 4 Two said...

Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh. Sooo funny. People don't realize how important chocholate is. It's almost like breathing for me. And? If you add some peanut butter I may stop breathing all toghether. Mmmmm...

p.s. I'll be in Bmore tommorrow!
p.s.s. When I'm officially a Baltimorian, do I get put on your B-more blogger link? Huh? Huh??
p.s.s. Eating choclate cake riiiighhtt nowwww.

7:08 PM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home