Sunday, June 12, 2005

Just another day

We had our breast feeding class yesterday and it wasn't bad. Bryan went with me because he's a participatory father like that. Actually I had to beg and plead and promise I'd let him play Xbox all morning if he went. I just thought it would give him a better understanding of how difficult and tiring it can be (and worth it!). He was glad he went and there were a lot of males there so he didn't feel like a chump. And we are both very happy that all classes are complete!

Sooooo, I've been getting these pains lately and I'm not quite sure what they are or if anyone else has experienced them. They are kind of hard to explain too. I'll be sitting there minding my business and this excruciating sharp pain shoots through my vag and lasts for about a minute. It makes me want to jump out of the chair and clench on to anything I can. Anyone? Am I alone with this sensation? It's nothing like a contraction or doesn't feel crampy or like uterus action it feels more related to my exit. Is it revving up for the trauma it's going to be facing in 5 weeks? I think I'll mention to my Doctor, maybe he has some sort of explanation. But DAMN they hurt!

I feel very guilty and shitty over my thoughts yesterday. I was walking up to my car where I saw my reflection and for the first time I honestly thought “damn you let yourself get too fat.” I could really see it in my face. And I felt guilty because my next thought was that I don’t want to be pregnant anymore. Not because being pregnant can be tiring or that I’m uncomfortable but because I’m apparently so vain that I don’t want to gain anymore weight. I hate admitting that but it’s the brutal truth.

The 8 lb weight gain in the last 2 weeks really freaked me out. And with no excess fluid to blame it on as originally thought, it’s pretty much just weight gain! I know the baby probably really gained a lot too but still. And like I said previously, my appetite is out of control. What scares me is the thought of continuing to gain 8 lbs in 2 weeks. If I knew it would be more like 2 lbs I’d be OK. I was kind of depressed about it all day yesterday. There is no longer any fun in eating. If I eat healthy I’m miserable, if I give in to cravings I’m miserable. Just the other day I was saying how I loved my body right now and then it does a 180 and I suddenly can’t stand it. The maternity clothes I used to feel cute in I just feel like they look ridiculous on me now. I decided to break down and buy some NY Super Fudge Chunk but I also bought the Ben & Jerry’s low fat frozen yogurt chocolate brownie something something. It has about 18 grams less fat then my 1st choice and it’s not too bad. Not as satisfying but not as much binger’s remorse afterward!

I feel a little better about all that today so hopefully I was just being a downer yesterday. I’m hoping this is just a typical pregnant emotional roller coaster and I’ll get back to my jolly fat self.

We went and saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith today and it was very entertaining. They sure are a purty couple. Thank God for matinees, that's how much a movie should cost! I'm supposed to be home resting but my goodness when you feel fine it's hard to rest all day and then how am I supposed to sleep at night! So we do one short, low impact outing a day on the weekend. I'm so paranoid I'm going to run into someone from work. How do I explain being at the movies on rest?


Blogger Mrs. Flinger said...

um, hon? That food thing? I still do that. I had those exact thoughts and Mr. Flinger even made my screen saver say, "I want my body back body back body back."

I'm even thankful daily that I'm not pregnant. I know I know, it's horrible, but I didn't really like it because of my vail self feeling so fat. Hopefully next time, I'll just enjoy my big ol' self. (next AND last time)

For the pains? Totally bring those up. It might just be the "growing" pains. I had those, but it's good to check.

9:10 PM  
Anonymous Carol said...

Sounds like you've gained weight the same way I did with my pregnancies. How the hell does someone gain 4 lbs/week?! I don't know but I did it too. And you know, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be pregnant anymore so that you can have your own body back. You were probably just having "one of those days". I hope you feel better now :)

10:08 PM  
Blogger Anne said...

the shooting pain I remember but I don't think anyone ever could tell me what it was from. Just chalk it up to your body being thrown completely out of whack and jacked up. I would think you'd have to be totally earth mother and exceptionally strange to not be affected by the weight gain. Just remind yourself that it is temporary, that you are doing it for the baby, and that you'll be making the trip back to your comfort zone in no time. Seriously, the time AND the weight will fly off as you adjust to the demands of a little on ON THE OUTSIDE. You'll wish sometimes he'd get the hell back in.

10:54 PM  

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