On the lookout for links

I'm updating my baby link list so I thought I'd ask for your favorite sites to make sure they are on there. And I'm talking anything baby related shopping and/or informational: clothes, shoes, toys, gear, nursery, diapering, baby wearing, names/authors of books for baby and books for how to handle baby, pregnancy, birth, maternity gear, online forums, breast feeding, vaccination education, non-mainstream parenting (Ie Elimination Communication info). ANYTHING and EVERYTHING BABY! If it has to do with babies and toddlers, I want it on my list.

I'm especially on the lookout for any of you that have your own small baby biz or know someone who does. If you think I already know your web address, give it to me again anyway. If you are too shy to publically pimp out your stuff, email it to me. Even if you don't have a website but you know of a super cool brand or store, let me know that too!

I'm tellin' you man, I'm on the hunt, so send me yo shit.

You would think he just walked on the moon with how excited we are

J rolled over! Yeah! What's even more impressive is I CAUGHT IT ON VIDEO. His very first roll-over and I filmed it! Thank God for digital cameras with video that even a moron like me can use. We have the video out on a link but I haven't decided if I'm going to post the link yet, I sound like the biggest arse on the video. I'll have to get Bryan to edit the sound out before I put it out for the whole world to see, because I know you are dying to watch it.

It was so cool though, I set him down for tummy time and before I could plop my big butt down he rolled over. I caught the very end of the first one then tried it again to make sure it wasn't an accident like his big noggin tipped him over. Sure enough he did it again and I got the entire thing, start to finish on camera. It ain't pretty but it's another check off on the ol' milestone list.

**edited: For those of you who put the little video clips right in your blog, can you share the knowledge of how to do this?

Wouldn't you love this face greeting you every morning?

I waited all summer to use this fleece pouch. So comfy.


This pic is funny because I was watching him and a friend's newborn while she finally got a bathroom break. The newborn started to cry and while J was latched on and just about asleep I totally dumped him on the chair to tend to the baby. And my friend came out and asked where J was and we both look back at him and he's just laying there head all smashed, like "uhhh, mom?" Poor J, bad Mama!



Three hot women all in love with J. Our playdate at Kelli's house

Awwww, yeah

I'm gonna hit this bitch up first thing Friday. They are having their annual wharehouse sale so I suggest all you pregnant locals take a gander yourself. This is where we got his $1,000 crib for $300. I was only 6 weeks pregnant at the time, a little overzelous to be buying a crib so soon but the cheapness in me couldn't pass up such a fab deal. We also got his changing table and some accessories. I don't really need anything but you never know, maybe they'll have some cute doodad to waste money on.

Two Days Only:
Friday, September 30th, 12 pm - 5 pm
Saturday, October 1st, 9 am - 5 pm

BRATT DECOR WAREHOUSE:
5 North Haven Street, Baltimore, MD 21224

You gave, they took

A very good friend of mine just gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl named Abbey Ryan. Congrats Wendy and John! The labor and delivery went wonderfully from what I hear. And it got me thinking. I'm sure some of you may get annoyed at this and others may want to give me a "swift kick in the ass" which is probably the best thing for me but I decided it's time to come clean. Not that this was really a secret I just haven't talked much about it.

My friend who just gave birth was absolutely miserable for the end of her pregnancy as most are. But out of all the pregnant people I've known, I think she was the most ready for it to be over. Her doctor feared her baby would be over 9 1/2 lbs by her due date so she was also getting anxious but her doctor refused to induce her much to her dismay. She was in tears she wanted to be induced so badly but her doctor kept holding it off (which surprised me since most doctors don't hesitate anymore these days especially when the baby is getting to be that big.) Finally she gave birth on the 5th day past her due date and was pleasantly surprised to hear her daughter was a nice, healthy 8 lbs 12 oz.

I'm giving you all this background because I asked her if she was glad she waited and she said yes. She said she actually thanked the doctor. This is very surprising since she wanted an induction more than anyone towards the end. And this is where my feelings come in...

2 1/2 months later, I still feel like I did not "give birth." I feel it was cut out of me. I still have no idea what the birthing process feels like but I know what being pregnant, laboring and everything after delivery is like but there feels like a big piece is still missing. Somedays it bothers me and somedays it doesn't. I know at that point I needed to have a c-section because of baby distress, possible infection for both of us and his positioning would prevent him to come out safely. So at that point I KNOW it was in our best interest for a c-section. My nurse even told me my doctor was one of the ones who try to avoid a c-section at all costs so if there were any other way, he'd do it. Guess there wasn't.

I think what bothers me is I can't help thinking that it's my fault. It's my fault because I was induced. I was induced because I got impatient. My sister gave birth to a 9 1/2 baby, I honestly feel my body could handle the same. I also can't help but wonder if the Pitocin was part of the reason for the baby distress, for his inability to get positioned well and inevitably the c-section. I constantly wonder if only I waited as nature intended if things would have been different. It's known that the chances of a c-section increase with inductions. Maybe all of that could have been avoided. I think I'll forever feel a little sad about it. Obviously the outcome is what counts and I couldn't be happier in that aspect. And there is no benefit to feeling guilty over this and thinking "what if.." but I do. And probably always will.

I think about my next baby and wonder if I'll be forced to have yet another c-section especially if he/she is just as big and there is a chance I can rupture my uterus. I always thought if it were possible I'd like to be induced early to reduce the chances. But now I don't think I would even if they said the baby was 12 lbs. So what if I wait it out and it isn't safe and I have to have a c-section? I think I'll be OK with it because I didn't go against what the powers above had in store for me. I won't go against nature and force something to happen when it shouldn't. The main reason why I went for it with J was because they were thinking he wouldn't be able to fit and if he got too big I would have to have a c-section. It ended up that way anyway. So I might as well of just waited and who knows what could have happened.

And then I wonder if I do get my VBAC next baby, will I feel even worse about J's birth? Will I cherish the new birth more? The thought of that really makes me sad and I hope I wouldn't feel that way.

So anyway there it is. Deep down I know it isn't my "fault" but I also know it isn't the way things should be. There was no health risk at the time of my induction. It was mainly driven by impatience and selfishness. Therefore next baby I will stick to my guns and not be induced if there is no health reason for it. Although, this is what I say now, who knows what I'll be saying when I'm 37 weeks.

Oh we rocked, and we romped

J went to his first Rock n' Romp and I must say he thoroughly enjoyed it. Well we assumed he did, hard to tell, but he sure wasn't complaining. I thought it was a great time although I was the one more focused on taking pictures of our son than watching the bands. I think it will be even more fun next year when he can romp around with all the other kids and be social, you know, unlike his socially anxious parents. I brought him over to the swingset and he was just fascinated watching the other kids run around. He's so curious these days, I love it!

We were only able to stay for the first 2 bands but I wish we could have stayed for them all. And the part of me that acts 60 years older than I am actually thought the first band had the volume up too high for the kidlings. Normally I'd think it was just me being an old lady but even Bryan thought so as he knows first hand the damage those amps can do. But as long as we stayed back it was ok and the 2nd band was perfect.
Now for some pictures (and you know the drill, click them to see more.)

More pics of J, because he's just so handsome. It's funny, Bryan remembered how a friend of ours said to us when we first started dating that she thought we'd have ugly babies since we both have really strong features. (Do you remember that Pesto???) I like to think we proved her wrong. And really that comment wasn't mean coming from her, you hafta know the kind of click we had and I don't think at that point any of us actually thought Bryan and I would be having a baby some day! Onto handsomeness, strong features and all...




This isn't the best pic, I just wanted to show you how skinny he is these days.

Calling all crunchies

J seems to finally be getting over his cold. We thought he was coming down with an ear infection because starting Saturday he was really tugging on it. I've read that isn't always an indication, and usually it's not, but since he was sick and suddenly paying way too much attention to his left ear, I thought it could be a sign although he didn't seem fussy or anything else. When that happened I started thinking about how I may need to take him to the doctor and get an antibiotic but then wanted to do something in the meantime. I was then thinking about home remedies in leui of medicine.

And that's where my a la natural blogger friends would really come in handy. I know some of you out there probably know great alternatives to Western medicine. If you have any tried and true home remedies for ear infections I'd love to hear them!

I asked for it

I made my way to the grocery store and upon check out I naturally looked for the shortest line. Surprisingly for this time of day there was one lane with no wait. As I got closer I realized it was THE cashier. The cashier I hate and normally refuse to get in her line. I hate her because she moves in slooooooow mooooootion. Worse, she has a comment for everything I buy and she is the biggest air-head I've ever seen. But since the other lanes had lines I took my chances.

I put my few items on the belt, pull my cart up and she starts to walk away. What the fuck? She then turns and says "I'll be right back." She either didn't see me give her the dirtiest look alive or didn't care. She walks away like a snail and returns about 2 minutes later. The whole time I'm trying to decide if I should just pick my shit up and go to another lane or just wait it out. Since I only had a few items I figured it couldn't get much worse.

Then it starts. The comments. But this time it's about J and I wanted to kick her 40-something June Cleaver looking ass.

She says "Is it hard carrying him like that?" referring to the sling.
Me: Nope
Her: Well it looks like he's gonna fall out
Me: Would I be carrying him like that if that were the case? No.
Her: He's big (but said as if it were something negative)
Now I get this comment a lot from almost everyone in the world but it's USUALLY after they ask how old he is, then they think he's big for his age. But for all this bitch knows, he could be 5 years old, therefore extremely small for his age. But no, she has no idea how old she is so what the fuck is the point of saying "he's big."
Me: (Now with an extremely red face and a look to kill) "Is there anything else?" She looks at me confused. "Is there anything else innappropriate you would like to say to me about my son?"
I get the same blank look. It's pointless, she's a clueless ass and next time I need to keep my promise that I will wait 10 hours in a line before going to her lane again.

To really piss me off, she didn't put my water in a bag like I asked her twice to do! I walk, I need my shit in a bag! But by then I was just so pissed I had to leave. Or kill her and I figured leaving would be the less illegal of the two.

NEXT TOP MODEL

We had J's picture taken on his 8 week old birthday which is now proudly displayed, with some copyright infringement, to the right there along with Papa's hands. Look how cute he is. Although out of all the pictures they took, that was the only decent one. But I bet if we did it now, oh yea, we'd get some killer smiles. But damn he is cute, smile or no smile.

Ho hum

I'm bored man, bored!

But I have plenty to do, the problem is I'm waiting for a call back from the doctor. I want to take a poop for cryin' out loud but I know the second I go to do it, the phone will ring and I'll have to try to pinch it off mid-turd (so ladylike I know, but whatever). I want to call my friend and her new baby in the hospital and check in but the minute she answers I'll get the call back. I want to run to the store to pick up some food for dinner tonight but once I'm there the doctor will call and well I just don't want to have that conversation in the middle of the grocery store. Or worse it'd probably happen as I'm walking home with both hands full of groceries and J in the sling wrapped around me and I'll STILL attempt to answer it and not get hit by a car and drop everything and my baby at the same time only for me to finally get to my phone as the call goes to voice mail. I can't even have my daily nap because once I get into the deep sleep the phone will ring and I'll have to act coherent and have an adult conversation while I'm trying to figure out where the hell I am and how long I've been out of it. So you see, I'm bored!

And I'm impatient which I already knew. I've been doing the block feeding for J's poop for almost a week now and nothing. No signs of improvement even though I've been repeatedly told it could take a couple weeks to improve. But I'm sick of waiting! I'm sick of trying something and waiting a few weeks only to see no improvement and then trying something else then waiting another few weeks to see if this happens to help. I just want a sign, a glimmer of hope, anything, to show me I'm in the right direction. I started giving him a probiotic yesterday , acidophilus, to help heal his innerds. I hope it helps. I hope SOMETHING helps. I even pledged to only eat steak or chicken that we cook with nothing on it and potatoes for a few days to clear all this shit out. You know how fond of chicken I am and man not being a big meat-eater to begin with, I'm frigin' sick of steak. But you do what you gotta do and I am doing it.

I'm just tired, tired of seeing the blood. Tired of his watery, leaky poop. I can't even put him in clothes I like because of the diaper escaping poop. He has some pretty fucking cool clothes that I don't want him to wear because they just aren't as cool anymore with a big old pooh stain.

But I'm glad fall is here. We recently bought him a ton of fall wardrobe items which I'm so excited for him to wear. Hopefully his little legs will grow so he can wear the pants. I think his torso is the only thing that's growing now which makes wearing onsies and pants very difficult. My old employer sent me a Target gift card as a baby-shower gift that they weren't ever able to give to me since I went out on leave before he was born. Then quit. I thought that was very nice of them since for all they know they may never see me again yet everyone still pitched in and did that for us. And we bought a lovely new vacuum cleaner with the money. Yeah it was supposed to go to baby stuff but if it weren't for the baby we wouldn't be vacuuming, right? We'd probably still have our cleaners. But I'd take my baby over the cleaners any day.

Germicide

Big bummer, the 3 of us are home sick. I think it's all just a cold but man I feel like shit. I can only imagine what J feels like but he's still his jolly old self. The timing is kind of crappy, our good friends JUST had their baby girl and we were planning on going to the hospital but I don't think it's wise breathing our sick germs on a newborn. I really wanted to be there. And we're supposed to be going to the final Rock n Romp show of the season Saturday. Hopefully we'll be feeling better by then. I'd hate to have to wait a whole other year to go.

Thanks everyone for your comments, I feel so much better. Sort of. Well it helps knowing that I'm not abnormal and I, and others, are expecting too much! I just need to chill out. Somedays I can handle things so much better and some days I think I just am more mentally tired than others so things get to me. Today I'm just too sick to give a shit.

And I just looked back at J and he flashed his gummy grin with an "Ah-goo" (my favorite word in the world) which makes EVERYTHING better. Before he'd just kind of smiled a lot but now I can tell he recognizes us. He's more selective with the smiles, and when there aren't many random things that make him smile, it feels pretty special I am one of the things that does. And isn't that all that matters. I think so!

So you think you can be a S.A.H.M, huh?

I'm having second thoughts which really pisses me off. I LOVE staying home with J all day and I feel very fortunate I'm able to. I would probably cry daily if I had to leave his side for an extended period. I feel it's best for him for me to be home with him and I feel we're doing OK. So why the second thoughts?

I can't stand feeling like a failure in every other aspect. It's bad enough I try to raise him when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. But then I feel like I'm not qualified for the stay-at-home career. You get the hubby implying the house should be clean, you get the mother encouraging you to "make nice dinners" for said husband and you get your own guilt feeling like you aren't pulling your weight.

My social calendar has been a bit empty the last 2 weeks mainly in an effort to make this feel less like a jet-set lifestyle. But then spending 50 hours a week with only an infant as your source of interaction can take a toll on your ability to form complete sentences and not refer to yourself in 3rd person. "Mommy is changing J's diaper" turns into "C would like a hamburger" said in the same high-pitched voice when ordering at a restaurant. So I've been feeling a little isolated and yet I still have the same guilt. Guess that isn't working.

If I happen to have a fun, laid-back, stress-free day I feel like it wasn't enough "work." I feel like if I go out for lunches with friends I'm being extravagent. If I take a nap I feel like I'm being a lazy housewife. But you know what, I do nap. You know why I nap? Because for some reason or another I haven't been able to sleep at night. And when I can fall asleep I have to wake up for a feeding. So yeah I nap. And going out for lunch is not always as carefree and fun as it sounds. There is a lot of stress involved taking a baby to a restaurant. You never know if you'll actually get to eat the food you paid for or even converse with your friend. You may end up having to entertain a baby the whole time to keep the peace. I find myself holding my breath the whole time trying to make it through without a baby breakdown. Or mommy breakdown for that matter. Even with a baby as good as J it's always a risk.

How do people do this? How do you get things done like cleaning and cooking? Do you have dinners ready for your husband when he gets home? I have yet to figure out how to cook and watch a baby at the same time. I cooked Monday and it was an all day event. I had to start it at 1pm just so it was done by 5:30 and that was for just hamburgers, vegetables and a salad for shits sake. I don't feel that was quite the gourmet meal worth spending 4 1/2 hours on. J isn't old enough to entertain himself. I don't want to dump him into a swing all day or some other contraption. I don't feel holding a baby while cooking is necessarily the safest thing, especially if you are me. So when I asked my mom how I'm supposed to cook dinner with him, she didn't have a response. I guess women are just supposed to know how to do this shit. Sorry for the disappointment, I don't.

I've been able to keep up on the laundry but folding it is another story. But HOW am I supposed to scrub toilets and bath tubs with J around? Or is that yet another talent I should have naturally been born with? Or am I supposed to get all this done while J is sleeping? What ever happened to the "you sleep when they sleep" rule? Or does that just apply for the first couple weeks? Because I don't know about you but I'm still just as tired now as I was then.

I still think it's best I stay home with him so I know I won't change it. And when I think about my time with J it couldn't be more perfect. It's unfortunate all this other bullshit brings me down.

Did you know I gave birth to an angel?

Today while Bryan was home sick, J and I went to Reel Moms and saw Just Like Heaven. We were going more for the event than the movie but I happen to like my cheesy chick flicks as well. I didn't know what to expect from him in a movie theater. He blew my mind. He sat on my lap watching the big screen for the first 45 minutes. I then nursed him, he fussed for about 30 seconds and after a good burp and another minute of nursing he fell asleep for the rest of the movie. I was even able to put him in my sling, walk through Old Navy, put him in his car seat and drive the whole way home without him waking up. What an amazing boy, if I'm allowed to brag. Oh yeah, my blog, I can brag away.

I kinda felt like the lonely loser mom since almost everyone else was there with a play group or friend. There were some other solos and I recognized some girls from my birthing class but I'm not one for small talk. In fact I'm extremely bad at it so I just try to stay away from it all together. I did run into a friend/former co-worker and got to see her new little boy so that was cool. It was very weird being in a movie theater that early with a bunch of babies. Every now and then a baby would cry and I'd think "can you believe they brought a baby to the movies" then I realized so did I and that was the whole frigin' point. It was kinda funny to look over and see about 10 moms standing in the aisle doing the mommy-sway calming their babies. Alright, there was 1 dad, have to give him some props for going into a sea of housewives.

But I'll tell ya, if you are feeling like a frumpy old mom, go there and you'll instantly feel better. Aside from my friend, there wasn't too much style in that place. And man, compared to some of them, we travel light. There were strollers and pillows and toys and pacifiers and food and a million Baby Bjorns in addition to them also having strollers and blankets and just tons of gadgetry. I had J and my diaper bag. I figure there is nothing a boob couldn't handle if he needed anything. And whaddya know, I'd be bringing my boobs anyway, no extra baggage needed.

I keep wanting to start a play group of my own with all my friends from different groups (and even some of my internet friends!) and organize all that crap but then I think I have no room for entertaining at my house so they'd always have to be outings which just isn't always practical. It might not be the best if I start a play group and say, "Oh you want to join? Sure and guess what, we're having it at your house!" Yes there are tons of existing play groups out there but do you ever get the feeling you just don't quite fit in? Yeah, well that's me. And it's kind of selfish because I want all my friends in one group. So until I get a group of my own, I look forward to next weeks Reel Moms event, I just can't get enough of being a loney, loser mom.

Feeling Good

We had a great nights sleep and despite J waking up with a nose full of snot and the same cough he's been sporting the last couple of days, we woke up feeling pretty good. He felt even better once I sucked about 10 lbs of snot out of his little nose. Other than that he seems healthy and happy, no tempurature, the cough and snot subsided, I'm wondering if this is a cold or some kind of seasonal allergy since mine are kicking in and the mornings seem to be worse. Hopefully his is just a little cold and nothing that will plague him for the rest of his life.

We got ready and since he usually takes a nap again first thing, I decided it would be a good opportunity to hit Whole Foods and do a little food shopping for myself while he slept in the Moby carrier. I found many more diet-friendly bread products and actually purchased some bread elsewhere Saturday thanks to Cranky Mommy's suggestions. I also found more diet-friendly snacks and sweets which are most important. I'm on a mission to find dessert options of the pumpkin variety that I'm able to eat by Thanksgiving. It's bad enough to finish the summer off with no ice-cream but a holiday without dessert is just sinful. I snatched up a Pumpkin Cake mix which consists of approved ingredients. Sort of. It requires 2 eggs which I know I'm banning eggs too but since I'm on to the oversupply theory I'm gonna try and sneak them back in on a very occasional basis. Only in an emergency such as this. And yes, Thanksgiving without pumpkin pie IS an emergency! I know I still have over 2 months to find something but I need plenty of time for taste-testing.

My groceries are put away, my cake is in the oven, my boy is nursing himself to sleep on my lap, ahhhhhh, I feel good. I've also finally gathered up some nursing gear and baby items to ship off for Katrina victims. We've already donated money but I was still feeling helpless. I still need to go through my maternity clothes to send and pack it all up. This may not sound like much to be excited about but it sure beats my mood last night. I was so bummed about nothing yet everything. I had no reason but I was just being a big pouty-ass. This isn't abnormal for me, we call it the "Sunday Blues." Funny I still get them even when I don't work. You'd think Sunday would be just like any other day now. I felt ugly with bad breast milk, stupid, selfish, unmotivated with a baby with a sensitive tummy, one dog with ears that need to be amputated, another dog with more mental issues than me and a husband that watches too much football. I almost closed up shop on my blog because "it's the dumbest thing in the world and who would ever want to read it." I can get a bit schizo at times because today I've done a 180. I still can't claim I'm not all those things or that this blog isn't stupid but I realized that even if nobody ever reads it again, I still enjoy writing it. My boy is happy and healthy as can be, my crazy dog calmed down, my bad ear dog is actually responding to meds which may hold off the surgery and my husband, well...he does still watch a lot of football but he makes up for it with everything else.

Life is good. Until next Sunday.

Theory # 316

I obviously can't just take someones word for it despite their medical education. I am STILL not satisfied with J's diagnosis, or lack there of, of a protein-intolerance. I am sure that is a contributing factor since some of that stuff just isn't made for human consumption regardless of how good it tastes.

So I did more digging.

I was encouraged by yet another diaper yesterday with traces of blood. Come on, GIVE ME A BREAK! After all I've been eating, or not eating, at least show SOME signs of improvement. That is why I am now on to my new theory and this one seems to fit. It satisfies my gut feeling that it can not ONLY be a protein-thingy but also a breast milk oversupply. I was reading these possible symptoms of oversupply and they fit us. I have also read that in the case of oversupply the babies may also have consistently green, watery stools and gain more than the typical 1/2-1 ounce a day during the first 4 months. As we all know he's gained more than the average. And since this shit (no pun intended) began, his poop has been consistently green and explosive. It's very watery and it's constantly leaking out of his diapers. By golly, I think I'm on to something. That could also explain why he's been extra hard on the tips of my nipples for so long.

I was concerned that my supply would deminish once I was on the mini-pill or from too much weight loss too quickly on my new not-allowed-to-eat-anything diet. Now I WISH it would dry up a bit. Maybe I'd be able to go out in public again without fear of looking like I'm attending a wet t-shirt contest. So in addition to watching what I eat, I'm now treating my self-diagnosis of oversupply by "block feeding." I've always only fed him from one breast already since he only nurses for about 5 minutes, kinda hard to break that up between two boobs (another sign he may not be getting enough hindmilk). So we'll see how this block feeding goes and hopefully we'll see some improvement. Now I just have to figure out how to enlighten his doctor so we can work together on these issues.

It could always be worse

I thought J was colicky until I actually talked to mom's of colicky babies. Those babies cry and scream. J does not scream. I used that term prematurely to describe him I think. If he starts to get into an uproar we can calm him rather quickly. And now I think we have it pretty damn good. He's awesome during the day and the evening isn't half bad either. I realized when he was "fussy" it was if we were trying to be lazy and sit on the couch and watch TV. Obviously he wasn't too excited about that and he'd let us know. Once we realized he needed the attention and not the TV, life was so much easier. If we start to run out of tricks to keep him happy, we put on this awesome white noise CD we bought (a blessing in disguise I tell ya) and it helps out real quick. Even the few fussy daytime episodes are non-existant now. The white noise even helps in the car, although we're not completely out of the woods on that yet. But lately he's been darn good in the car. I didn't want to say that incase it's a fluke or the chance that I just jinxed it.

Putting him to bed is a piece of cake. We have yet to have to sit up with him in the wee hours (excluding his belly pain episodes) especially once we decided to co-sleep. Even putting him in his co-sleeper is easier. We just swaddle him up and put on the white noise.

Even today I took him for a walk in the stroller and he was happy. The trick, don't put him in the infant seat in his stroller. He wants to be facing out, not riding backwards enclosed. He's a big boy trapped in a baby body.

Don't get me wrong, he is a baby. He does have his moments and there are places we're still a little unsure of venturing with him and it does take some effort to keep him happy. But I think we're very lucky.

Point of this post? I love my boy. He rocks.

Another reason why I love breast feeding

Because if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to leave Target like this. This was through 4 layers too, by the way.

Thought so

Wife: I scheduled a vet appointment for the dog for Thursday evening after you get home.
Husband: Didn't they have any appointments during the day, I thought that would be something you guys could do during the day.
Wife: How am I supposed to control the dog at the vet while trying to juggle the baby and keep him calm?
Husband: You could do it.

Early Thursday...

Husband: I think I'll stay home with the baby if you can take the dog. I'd like some time with the boy.
Wife: We can all go if you want.
Husband: That would be a total circus show with the dog and the baby!
Wife: But you thought I could handle it by myself?!
Husband: Heh, oh yeah

Chillin'

He looks so natural at this. Bryan sat him down and J threw his arm over the side all on his very own.

Why does he always look so scared??

He grew into this outfit nicely

First picture was taken on his first day home, 7.15.05 and the second was taken 9.12.05.


What a difference 2 months make in the fit of a onesie

I feel pregnant again

Aside from the size difference I have the same insomnia I got at the end of my pregnancy AND I'm hungry all day long again. Only this time I can't gorge myself on ice cream and chocolate. Last night I had the same funky leg syndrome and tossed and turned. If my stomach weren't getting smaller, I'd start to wonder...just how effective IS that mini-pill!

The real reason why you shouldn't vaccinate*

Because it's heartbreaking to watch your baby lay there all content and watch his trusting expression quickly turn to "why would you let them hurt me?!" I'm not sure who cried more. He actually handled it very well. He cried when he got them but settled rather quickly. He then took a nap when we got home, which is typical, and is his old self thus far. Full of smiles, thankfully, but I am still keeping a watchful eye. J does have an all-night nursing pass for going through it though. Not that I ever deprive him of nursing, I'm just sticking right by his side boob ready incase he needs it for comfort. Normally I would be doing other shit and Papa trying other soothing techniques. But he's sucking blissfully as we speak on my lap on the trusty ol' boppy.

Other than that his 2 month well-baby went very well. He weighed 14 lb - 3 oz and is 24 3/4 inches tall, 95% range for both, which actually kinda sucks since his infant seat I was hoping would last until he can be front-facing only allows 26". Looks like we'll be needing a new car seat before he hits 6 months! The doctor said his head was kind of small for his height and weight. I was very surprised since it looks enormous to me. He said it wasn't a concern but how can he feel that was worth mentioning if it's not a concern. They'll just make sure it levels out but he seems to be developing just fine.

I brought Bryan's mom for support since he couldn't make it and I was very glad she was there. She really liked his doctor which means a lot since she's been a doctors office manager for many years. She's seen the good and the bad. He's extremely thorough, never, ever, ever rushes us. Today's appointment was 1 hour and a half. He makes you feel like your his only patient which is very important to me. I also gave him the update from the allergist and he was going to call to follow up with him and get more info. I was impressed he was voluntarily going out of his way to do that. I would have expected him to say "ok well you are working with a specialist so it is in his hands now."

Well there can't be a post these days without me mentioning my diet, huh? J woke up at 3am with great discomfort and continued throughout the rest of the night. I looked back through my notes and have noticed a pattern... a new culprit seems to be eggs. The foods I'm allowed to eat are dropping like flies! If it keeps happening, the next thing to go is the tuna. And I'll be left with lettuce and supplements. Alright, that's a bit of an exaggeration. I still have my rice milk over granola and this meal Bryan's mom makes us. She made us some meals when J was born and I happened to say "man I wish we had this every week!" and Bryan told her that and guess what we now have every week? She went out of her way this time to really read all the labels, change the recipe to make it 100% dairy/soy/etc free. Mashed potatoes made with chicken broth instead of milk and butter are pretty darn good!

Did you know I'm a bad mom? I feel horrible about this, I don't want to even mention it but that wouldn't fit my "no holding back" policy. After the doctors appointment J and I took a nap together. He had his little light weight blanket, just like always. Well I woke up and since he was so content and recovering from the shots I didn't want to disturb him. I put on the monitor and left him alone. Well since he's hardly ever been in a different room as me, I didn't trust the monitor so I went in to check on him. This was literally 10 minutes after I left the room. I go in and HE HAD PULLED THE BLANKET OVER HIS HEAD. Granted this is a light weight blanket he could breath through, I still had a heart attack. Bad Mama for leaving him with a loose blanket. I ripped it off of him and scared the crap out of him when I did. We sleep like this every day and never in his short life has he ever had the blanket close to his face. I leave the room for the first time and what happens? See if I ever do that again.

* please note this is sarcasm, we obviously choose to vaccinate but do not have opinions on those who do or do not do the same. This is no way an endorsement for one way or the other.

Not so concrete diagnosis

We ruled out an full-fledged "allergy" but it does appear to be a Milk Soy Protein Intolerance (or food protein-induced colitis) causing the bleeding. He did the skin test for milk, soy, eggs, nuts and wheat and they all came back negative. So I'm happy to know it's not a real allergy (and happy no blood was drawn) but just a semi-common baby thing that he should outgrow by 6 months - 1 year.

The course of action is to modify my diet by eliminating dairy, soy and nuts and see if it improves (duh, good thing I paid $30 for that). I obviously have been doing that so I was a little discouraged since it hasn't improved. He gave me lists of ingredients to watch for and I'm 99% sure I haven't consumed any of the diary items but I do think there may be some soy or nut ingredients I wasn't looking for so I need to do better on that. I also don't want to eat out for a couple weeks since I know that's where I slip up. Just for a few weeks to see if it helps.

The good news is that I can have soybean OIL, since it doesn't have the proteins or something like that, which is what I was finding in almost every food item. That should give me a little more selection. I still need to watch for warnings saying "may contain traces." I'm also still missing out on a ton of my favorite foods but it's worth it and who knows it may only be for another 4 months. God do I hope so.

He did say to watch the diet for a few more weeks and if I'm 100% sure I didn't eat anything I shouldn't have and it's not better, then I can give him the pre-digested Nutramigen formula (or another kind called Neocate since the Nutramigen contains traces of milk which prob isn't better than my milk) for a week while pumping to keep my supply. And if in a week it's better then put him back on breast milk and see if it returns. And if it does then well, guess we know it's officially something in my milk. Problem is, we couldn't afford to spend about $40/day for the Neocate.

Now before all you pro-breastfeeding advocates get up in arms, I most likely won't do the formula thing. Right now Bryan and I are comfortable staying with the breastfeeding. I asked the doctor what if I see 1 bloody stool every 2 weeks while breast feeding, is that OK? He said he was fine with that. And I said what if I see one every week, and to that he replied we'll have to play it by ear. He KNOWS I don't want to stop nursing and he WANTS to work with me to keep it going. As long as he's not passing a lot of blood and still growing well then the benefits of breast feeding outweigh the tiny blood loss.

So for now I'm going to play it by ear...still. If it really doesn't seem to improve or happens to get worse then I MAY consider doing the formula trial just to see if J seems better. My thing is that I want J to be MOST COMFORTABLE. I don't want him to be in pain if he doesn't have to be. I know "breast is best" and that's my goal but I also don't feel giving formula is a mortal sin, especially if J is happier that way. (No need to list the reasons why I should continue breast feeding, I know and I'm going to do everything in my power to keep doing it. But also this is my choice and I don't want to be made to feel like a horrible mother if I decide I can't do it anymore because I don't feel that is the case.)

So anyway, that's where we're at. Which I think is the same place we were yesterday.

The best prize we've ever gotten in a cereal

Bryan did this, I would never think of doing such a thing to the poor boy. I only took the picture.

Getting to the bottom of things

After 3 diapers with blood (small amounts) today I decided to just get the food allergy testing done and be done with the guessing. I think it's worth the $30 copay. Diet elimination can take weeks, months even!

I would not be surprised if he's not allergic to anything which would be great, but then we'll still have to figure out what the cause is. Bryan feels it's probably my blood from some nipple trauma since he's such a chomper. I don't see any cracks or bleeding but I guess maybe it could still be a possibility?

At first I called a recommended pediatric allergist who works at Johns Hopkins which is one of the top hospitals in the country. Good right? Well I guess since they are so top notch, they couldn't get me in until December 7th (not to mention ridiculous hold times and unnecessary transfers). So I went with a 2nd recommendation at a smaller office. The receptionist asked what the concern was and she put me on hold because she said she wanted to ask the doctor when he could see us. I thought that was weird because I really doubt she asks the doctor when he can see every single patient. She is the appointment scheduler after all. He was with a patient so they had to call me back. When she did she said "The doctor wants to see him at 11am tomorrow." Wow, pretty quick, that's a big difference from December 7th. But they just made it seem more urgent than I thought it was. Isn't that odd?

She said they probably won't do the skin test because of his age so they'll do bloodwork. Now I feel bad, I don't want them to have to hurt him to draw his blood especially the day before more needles for his immunization! But it'll be worth it if we can just get a concrete diagnosis.

I've been tracking my diet but not long enough to see a trend yet between diet and bloody stool. So hopefully they can give me some answers. I don't think taking care of this will alleviate his fussiness as I'm sure most of that is normal baby stuff. But I am hoping it will prevent him from having his bouts of painful fussiness like this morning which seems to correlate with the bloody stool.

Well wish us luck and results that are easy to manage!

Month 2

Wow, you know this whole “growing up” thing you’ve been doing so much lately? How about you put that on pause just for a little bit. My goodness, I blink and you are a month older already! Next thing I know, you’ll be asking for the car keys!

You are such a perfect little man. So beautiful, so pure, so our dreams come true. I still don’t get any sleep but that’s more my fault than yours. When we do go to bed instead of sleeping I just lay awake staring at you, caressing your angelic little body and perfectly soft skin.

I can’t bear to close my eyes to sleep because that is time I’m not watching you. I never could have imagined love could grow so much stronger each day. What did we do without you?!

We’re slowly learning all of your characteristics; you are so full of personality. You watch the world with such intensity as if you are learning how to rule it someday. There is a sincere seriousness to you which you display by furrowing your brow.

We know that to catch some good smiles to wait for you to wake up in the morning or after a good nap. We’ve learned that the more you coo and talk that it will soon be followed by crying and tears as if you didn’t get your point across. We know we can always count on bath time to ease your mind. We’ve realized you need to be a part of the mix, seeing what us adults see, not down below in a stroller. You need your freedom and not to be restrained by car seats and carriers. One of your favorite places in the house is on top of the fridge.

We now know you like to have a long morning nap shortly after you wake up. You still hate pacifiers and riding in the car alone in the backseat. You also hate the hours of 6-10pm and you let us know loud and clear.

As much as we’ve learned the last month, you’ve far surpassed us with your learning. You smile daily and tell us stories in your little coo language. You hardly need us to provide head support for you but you have to be in the mood for tummy time. You love to study people when they speak. You bat at toys (favoring your left hand too, are you going to be a lefty like Papa?), you grab onto things like my shirt and hair, you splash around in your bath water, you imitate our funny faces and you almost have the “ice cream handwhich” down that your father has been teaching you for self-soothing.

The past month we have overcome a few minor obstacles. We can finally say we nurse pain free (that’s a good one for me, I’m assuming it’s all the same to you). We no longer struggle with the sleeping arrangements, we don’t try to get you to sleep somewhere you don’t want, we’re happy to say you prefer sleeping right next to us. You even prefer to sleep on your side despite the many attempts to keep you on your back. You’ve managed to get over every blockade I’ve set up. We’ve also come upon some new hurdles such as your inability to properly digest dairy products and our inability to cure your temporary colic. We haven’t found a way to make every car trip pleasant but we’re working on that.

You are so big and mature and most of all handsome. You even surprise pediatricians when they learn your age, you just seem so much older. You make every day an adventure. We look forward to waking up with you in our lives and we can’t wait to see what the next month brings. Apparently, if we blink we can miss it.

to

The best $200 we've ever spent

I uploaded all of our J pictures to shutterfly that we had taken from birth through the first month and a half of his life. It was 1000 pictures exactly. I went to add them to my cart to purchase prints and it kept crashing the site. So I went through all 1k and deleted some. That's a hard thing for a mother to do, how can I say he looks good in this picture and not in this one. He looks perfect in all of them! I did manage to delete 220 pictures and $200 later we now have 780 pictures of J Goodness.

Out with the old, in with the new

I used to have a cat that would get extremely upset if you put him in the car. So much he'd get all crazy and start frothing at the mouth.

Now we have a son that does that:

Beating a dead horse

I don't mean to keep bringing this up but here is my dilema with this whole "food allergy" thing.

1. He symptoms were never really bad. I bet most people would have just let it go with how mild they were so if this were a real "allergy" wouldn't it be much worse?
2. Why would the allergy start when he was almost 7 weeks old? My diet hadn't changed much
3. If anything it seems more of an "intolerance" than an "allergy" (from what I understand an intolerance has more digestive system reactions where an allergy has all kinds of problems like face swelling/rashes, etc) so if I were to take him to an allergist for testing, is an intolerance enough to show up on their tests?
4. How do I know if things are better with the diet when the symptoms weren't that bad to begin with? I know no bloody stool is a good sign but he didn't have that much or very frequently, I could count the times on one hand. The fussiness I have a feeling is just what a baby does. How do I know what fussiness is normal and what isn't?

I guess I have noticed a little less painful shrieks...I just don't know. He still occasionally pushes and grunts hard sounding uncomfortable (like today right after nursing) so does that mean it could have been something in my diet that day or do all babies do that? Part of me doesn't really feel there is much of an allergy. I guess these are the things I should be talking to the doctor about huh? That's what I'll be doing Wednesday.

A Silver Lining

My goal of this blog was always to be brutally honest, not hold back and to let it all out... for my benefit. With that said, I feel like lately (or all the time) all I do is bitch and complain about all the negative things going on.

Well today I am happy to say I have something positive. I am FINALLY able to get my wedding band back on. I've lost another 3 pounds. AND, this is the best one, after 8 long, grueling weeks we are finally breast feeding PAIN FREE. I never thought this day would come. We aren't doing anything differently, I guess it was something he just outgrew. Either that or my nerves have finally been severed and died and I just don't feel the pain anymore. Oh well, whatever works.

And thank God because if I had to deal with the diet restrictions and suffer in pain. You know I'd be opening up that can of formula faster than I could say "give me the damn ice cream."

Now what

J has been waking up every 2 hours for the last few days throughout the night and I can't get him to sleep past 8 (usually 7am). He had developed a pretty consistent nighttime schedule so this is out of character. Before we'd go to be around 10something, wake up for first feeding at 2something, next feeding at 5something, then 7something and then 9something and we'd finally drag our butts out of bed at 10am.

He doesn't seem to be more hungry so I wasn't thinking this was a growth spurt. Nothing else is new regarding our sleeping arrangements. I know babies aren't always consistent and he's constantly growing and changing but this is suspect. The other nights with the 2 hour wakings he seemed to be in pain or discomfort. But last night he was just extremely squirmy allll night long. No shrieks of pain, not too much grunting and pushing just very squirmy until almost 8am, then he seemed a little more uncomfortable. And last night he did eat every 2 hours but although he really seemed hungry he didn't seem to eat as much as he normally would. I'm not sure what this new trend is but I don't like it.

AND to my surprise, his beautiful, soft, perfect butt skin looks irritated. Well not his butt, specifically right around his bum hole. I saw this info on Dr. Sears:

Allergy ring - a variety of foods can irritate baby's bottom, especially acidic foods such as citrus and tomato-based sauces.
Appearance - a red ring around baby's anus.
Treatment - discontinue suspected foods. Breastfeeding moms may need to eliminate foods from their diet.

Other sites such as kellymom.com also said a food allergy symptom is "A red rash around the anus." Great. What, is he allergic to RICE NOW?? How about it just eat some ice cubes to be on the safe side. It is mild so far but what the hell can it be since I've really tried to cut out the main culprits. Although I still drink a lot of OJ (calcium/vitamin D fortified) and Bryan has been warning me that is another risky food. I just didn't want to give up yet another thing especially when that is my main source of calcium these days. I'm starting to wonder if breastfeeding is in is best interest since so many different things are getting into his system it's hard to track. The last thing I want to be doing is making him miserable.

Time flies...

When you are busy as shit. Man I've been slacking on this blogging thing and I miss it. I really do, I find it very theraputic. And I really miss reading up on all of you guys. I need to update my blog links too but now I just save them to my favorites, much quicker that way. But so many pregnant people out there I need to be checking in on not to mention all the other shit going on in everyone else's lives I'm way behind on.

Anyway, I'm a little better mentally regarding the whole diet thing. I'm finding more options (still hardly a good selection), definitely a better selection at Whole Foods than Safeway. You know Rice Milk isn't half bad. Pour it over a little dairy/soy free granola and it's quite yummy. It even does OK in coffee although it doesn't lighten the color of it which bothers me. I've gotten a few good suggestions on dairy/soy free foods too, thanks everyone. The Hellman's Canola mayo is pretty good, I can still eat Hot Tamales. I've found many dairy/soy free chips and stuff. But Rice Bread isn't that great. Cranky Mommy gave me a whole list of breads to try so that's my next step. I'm now writing down every tiny morsal I put in my mouth and keeping the food ingredient labels and J's daily reactions incase we find that it's not dairy. I can watch for a trend. Man I hope this helps. At least if this does turn into a long-term allergy for him I'll already know everything to buy and cook.

Eating out is still unenjoyable but we shouldn't be spending that money anyway! It's just so much harder when we're out with people like my mom and sis that don't give it a second thought when they go and get big ass sundaes from Maggie Moo's while I sit there with my mouth watering. I also keep finding that I'm unintentionally messing up which is usally a result of eating out since I don't know the ingredients. The chicken noodle soup from Panera, not a good idea. The Bistro Steak salad (minus cheese/nuts) with vinagarette from Panera, not a good idea. What can I eat at Panera? Fruit cup and Black Bean Soup. I keep wondering if I've actually had a 100% dairy/soy free day yet but I'm trying. He has his 2 month well-baby next week so I want to discuss all this in more detail. It was also suggested I look into a pediatric allergist who can run blood tests. Now that sounds way more logical of an idea than this diet elimination which can take forever and rely on me not to fuck up. I'm going to discuss that with his ped. So far there hasn't been anymore bloody stool really but he's waking up much more during the night with sounds of discomfort. He's not always hungry either but nursing him is the only thing I can really offer for comfort. And from what I read, frequent night wakings is usually a result of GER or a food allergy. So nursing him for comfort seems counter-productive. I'm pleading with the people above that once the allergy is managed well that we can get some sleep going!!

Man I can't believe J is almost 2 months old. That's some scary shit when you wake up one day and 2 months have just flown by. He's so frigin cute though I can't stand it! But please God, make him learn to love the car. Driving with him is driving me insane. I don't want to leave the house anymore and every where we go is at least a 30 minute drive. And that's a fucking long 30 minutes when he's screaming.

I'm officially a stay-at-home mom now. I told my boss last Friday and gave them "2 weeks" like that does them any good since I'm not there anyway. She was cool about it and said to call them if I ever change my mind. Nice to know I CAN go back if I WANTED to. Lord knows they will always be hiring.

I feel like J should be on more of a schedule than he is. Well I don't feel like he should, it's just people ask what time his naps are and what he is usally doing at this time of day, etc and I'm thinking, I have no idea. Should I know? Whatever he feels like doing at that moment is what we do. The closest thing to a schedule we've developed (naturally) is when we wake up I get him ready and then I get the 1st half of me ready since he usually cries before I finish. And by getting ready I mean me putting the same dirty clothes on I wore for the last 3 days, throwing my dirty hair in a pony tail and attempting to put makeup on fast enough without ending up resembling a 60 year old drunken whore. I then go sit with him outside on the glider with him in the sling and he drifts off into a morning nap. I guess that part is getting pretty consistent. But the rest of it is one big fucking blur. And while he's having his morning nap I have to decide if I want to scarf down some food, throw some laundry in, nap with him or follow up on medical insurance claims and other tasks, get the 2nd half of me ready or update my blog. And you can see which of those won today.

Even the coolest parents get the occasional desire to dress their kids like big nerds

Nope, can't do it

This is absolutely impossible and that is no exaggeration. About 50% of all food in this world has some form of dairy and the other 50% has some form of soy. That leaves 0% for me to eat. It's ridiculous and I'm pissed off! If we confirm it is dairy and he also can't do soy then I'm not sure what we can do because this is miserable. And I'm sure I've consumed some hidden dairy/soy since I've started this because it's impossible. I went to go eat some baked chips and right before I put one in my mouth I checked the label and it contains both soy AND milk. WTF, I never knew chips had milk them. And bread, yeah that's a no-no too. Eating out is pointless, it's not like it's enjoyable now. I thought I was safe with hamburgers and french fries but the bun is bad. I'm sure there is something in fries I shouldn't eat. I can't even have anything to satisfy my sweet tooth because even Dark Chocolate has TRACES OF MILK.

So yesterday I had scrambled eggs (no milk) with the tiniest amount of Pam cooking spray because even that contains soy, a hamburger with no bun just ketchup (can't do hot dogs), plain chips (baked seem to be the problem), tiny slice of heavenly ham, fruit salad and corn on the cob with olive oil. Olive oil on my corn for shittin sake. What I wouldn't do for some damn butter (fake butter and margarine are also out of the question) That may seem like a good amount of food but it's not. Meanwhile I get to sit there and watch everyone pig out and not give it a second thought and I don't know how many times someone has either eaten ice cream or said ice cream in front of me in the last 2 days.

We went to Austin Grill tonight and there were like 2 things I could eat. I had to get chicken. I HATE CHICKEN. I couldn't even have chips and salsa or a taco. This soy shit is killing me. I'm sure my roasted vegetables had something on them I shouldn't have but it's either eat them or die. Plus they have the best brownie sundae with coconut ice cream that we always get but not anymore! I found out my tuna I ate Friday was bad because yes mayo, although dairy free there is fucking soy in it. Even 'Vegannaise" has soy and boy does that sound delicious anyway. I'm telling you, anything without dairy has soy and vice versa. Have you ever done the Atkins diet? Well you know how hard and shitty that is, this is 100 times worse. I've had to fight back tears numerous times thinking about this. What really makes it hard is knowing I'm accidentally consuming things I shouldn't be anyway. The strictest of all diets are easier because you can cheat when no one is looking. But I can't do that. If it were my allergy, I'd suffer through the occasional stomach ache if I really wanted to give in. I can't do that when it doesn't effect me, only J.

So how is your fucking Labor Day weekend??

Comments

Turning off anonymous comments didn't totally alleviate the spam issue so they are back on and I'm trying the word verification thing. Let me know if it's a huge pain in the ass. I want people to comment if they feel like it!

Good news and bad news

The Good: I got a call back from the nurse within about 5 minutes. And normally I do, they are very quick with returning calls. I didn't feel it was an emergency since there was hardly any blood. I was just freaking out in a "what can this be" way. She had me come in, she didn't even try to diagnose over the phone so I was thankful. I saw a new doctor and she said that he's way to healthy for it to be anything other than a dairy allergy (or some food allergy but we're starting with dairy). Yes that's the good news, it's manageable and most likely nothing long-term.

The Bad: It's probably a dairy allergy. So really it's just bad news for me for now because this means no ice cream. She said to go hardcore for a few weeks, let it all clear out and then I can TRY to introduce soy to see if he can handle that. I guess the optimist in me (haha, me? Optimist?) looks as this as a good thing, I will definitely lose weight. No pizza, no ice cream, no decaf white chocolate mochas...although I can easily make up for the missing fat in hamburgers and french fries. She said any blood today could be from something I ate a few days ago. She looked at his hiney hole for any fissures and didn't see any. She even commended us on how clean and healthy we're keeping his bum and hole, said his skin was perfect. Oh she banned me from shoving a thermometer up his ass. She wasn't sure why I was doing that if he was pooping so regularly and that could have contributed to the blood. I thought he seemed like he was pushing in pain but she said that would probably be cramping from the food allergy. Makes sense since he really doesn't seem to have a problem pooping.

We went over what I ate yesterday and I didn't do as well as I thought. The PB&J I was planning on living off of isn't a good idea. She thinks I should stay away from peanuts for now to be safe(no Pad Thai either!) and the low-fat baked chicken patties I had can also be a source of hidden dairy. Strike 2. I checked the label but guess that's why it's "hidden." Also she recommended I try to avoid gas causing vegetables like broccoli, onion and cucumbers, both of which were in my salad yesterday. Strike 3! So today I'm considering my first real day of being dairy free. I think I did OK today! She thinks if anything it's a mild case since he doesn't have any excema or hives and he's gaining weight "like a champ" (he weighed 13lb 10.5oz) so he's digesting a lot of it. Which looking back last week, it looked like there was a rash on his trunk and arms and his skin was rough feeling there as well. I pointed it out to B since it was like that for a week. That day we had the bloody stool which is when I greatly cut back on dairy and his skin has cleared up. Hind site is always 20/20, I didn't put those 2 together until now.

I liked the doctor we saw today and I do like his doctor. I think I made them sound bad but they aren't really. Not saying they are the best but I feel comfortable with them. And the nurse is really nice and I will always get the doctors opinion anyway regardless of what she tells me. It was funny, when the doctor looked at his chart she said "Oh he's young! When I came in I thought he was 3 or 4 months old." Which reminds me that a lady said her son was really big for his age too like J and people always thought he was behind since when he was 2 months old people thought he was 6 months so they'd think "man why can't that 6 month old hold his head up yet." I never thought of that happening so hopefully we don't enounter any of that.

So back on track...I feel much better about things. Well it still sucks big time but I'm not so freaked out. My mom is lactose intolerant and my niece had to go on soy formula when she was a baby. Not necessarily a correlation but this doesn't sound like a complete irrational idea. But yea, still sucks.

An emotional roller coaster I don't want to be riding

I'm feeling very overwhelmed to say the least. Yesterday I had a mini-breakdown when I realized that J's colic has been extending into the day. So not only is it our regular 6-10pm then occasional episodes during the night but it's also during the day when he'd typically be easy to please. Even the magic sling is losing it's effectiveness. So I felt very depressed and helpless yesterday and TIRED. Tired from a lack of sleep but also from not having any idea on how to help him. Plus I'm consumed with worrying about what's going in my body and fearful to see more bloody stool.

But then last night I continued reading the Happiest Baby on the Block and decided to really work on some of the tips. Sometimes when you are in the midst of a baby meltdown you kind of forget all this helpful advice and just end up feeling frustrated. I swaddled him tightly before bed and shook him till he fell asleep. Not "shook" as in Shaken Baby but shook as in jiggle to trigger some calming-reflex. And it worked, he fell asleep in his co-sleeper instantly, I didn't even need to put him in bed with me. I was feeling pretty proud and optimistic. It didn't help me because I slept worse. I was so paranoid his swaddle would come undone and then he'd be laying there with a loose blanket around his head. So I barely slept listening to see if he got too quiet, if he did, I checked his breathing. If he started to rustle I would jiggle him and he'd fall back asleep. He woke up way more than he would have if he was in bed with me but I didn't feed him each time. He didn't seem hungry but I'd have to fix his swaddle or change him. The best part was that we didn't have any of our late night episodes of him crying in pain and pushing. I heard him pushing at one point and thought a scream would come but I jiggled him and I could hear him pooping and farting but then he dozed back off without a peep. Maybe there is something to these 5 S's and the calming reflex! I was feeling very good about what it did for him although I'm way more tired. I jiggled him so much that when I stopped I felt like I had Parkinson's disease. Bryan would stir and I'd go to jiggle him and have to stop myself. So he woke up more but didn't seem uncomfortable. I'm assuming that is better.

But now I'm back down in the dumps. He had more blood in his stool and I'm really freaking out now. Yes it could be the whole dairy thing but I haven't had dairy in a few days so I would THINK that the blood would not come back. Or would it? I have no idea but I'm pretty scared and worried about him. The amount of blood now (3 diapers to be exact) is so miniscual that most people probably wouldn't have noticed it. But the fact is I noticed it at 5:30 am in a complete zombie-like state so that's enough to alarm me. And now I'm practically taking a magnifying glass to each diaper and I keep seeing little specks. And I swear the 5:30 diaper looked mucousy too and I think that's a bad sign when it's mucousy with streaks of blood. I'm so freaked out.

I can't take these ups and downs and I can't stand worrying about this. I'm so afraid for him, what if it isn't a dairy thing? I keep reading more that if there is persistant blood to call your doctor immediately so I'm extremely paranoid. And now I'm waiting for the dumb nurse to call me back. I don't even want to talk to her, I'm going to request another pediatrician since his isn't there. But I'm not quite sure how this office handles these things if I'm "allowed" to talk to a pediatrician that isn't his or if I have to come in. This just sucks. I'm back to my depressed, helpless state.