Funny how they change

After looking at the pictures below, I see a lot more of me in him now when last week he was Bryan's mini-twini. Plus I've been hearing more and more he looks like me. He has my family eyebrow shape, which I clearly remember prior to plucking mine into a permanent arch although the coloring is way lighter than mine ever were. And the eyes, the actual shape of them I believe are mine. The cheeks and area under the eyes is Bryan if that makes any sense. Bryan says the mouth is mine but when he cries or gives a big happy grin it looks like one of Bryan's from his baby pictures. I guess it's mine in it's resting state. And I'm afraid his left ear is beginning to stick out which would unfortunately be another one of my contributions. Hopefully he'll either grow into it or his right one will stick out to match. He does have Bryan's furrowed brow/scowl and I think the nose and chin.

I know his features will change again, one day favor Bryan more the next me. But it's good to know he'll always be perfect and the most handsome. This boy has some good genes!

Can't get enough J

Am I really that bad?

I was walking in my hood yesterday when I passed a young mom also walking with a young baby in a cool sling. Naturally being the outgoing person I am (HA!) I asked her where she got it, she said she made it, she asked me what kind of carrier I had (Moby), talked baby ages, yadda yadda. I noticed her baby was in some funky/punky clothes and he was only about a month older than J. We seemed similar in style and age and mom-status so the thought of possibly starting some sort of local-mom friendship did cross my mind. But I felt like she totally blew me off before we would even begin talking about anything of that nature. What the hell? Am I that bad? Maybe I was too homely looking for her. It was the sweat pants wasn't it? Did I come off stalker-like? Was it too fatal attraction-ish feeling for her? I swear I was acting normal, it wasn't like I was desperate to make a new friend. This is why I'm shy.

Belly Battle

I'm so conflicted regarding J's tummy troubles. Is it really a dairy reaction? Why would it just be worse at night then? Is this normal newborn fussiness? It seems to fit all the typical symptoms. The blood in the stool is throwing me off. If that never happened, which was only once and never again, I would chalk this up to newborn fussiness since it's textbook. It seems that EVERYONE that goes through this with their babies describes it as though the baby seems in pain. It starts about 6pm - 10pm right around the age his started. It always seems poop or gas related. I wonder if I'm dealing with 2 different things...normal fussiness and a diet allergy or just one. As you can see I'm really trying to find other explanations so I don't have to give up my ice cream and pizza!

So many things I've been reading lately talk about Colic and how it's a wives tale that gas is the culprit even though the symptoms of Colic would greatly resemble a baby having stomach pains. And now I'm reading The Happiest Baby on the Block which talks about the 5 S's that turn on the calming-reflex. I am perfecting my swaddling and all that and it seems to work. It calms him. I was even able to lay him in the pack n' play and he slept. Albeit just a short time but it was his dinner time anyway. I bet if he wasn't hungry he would have gone longer. So if this was a food allergy then why would swaddling eleviate his reaction?

I also called his pediatrician today but he's on vacation so I spoke with his nurse. And just as I suspected she said that it could be Colic which is caused by gas and recommended using the gas drops which I've tried and haven't helped. I asked her why during the night would he experience this more and she said "because that's when babies are calmest and they notice the discomfort more." Sounds reasonable but not sure if I'm buying it. I really wanted to talk to the doctor anyway, she's given me conflicting info before and if I felt this was an urgent matter I would have requested to talk to another pediatrician but I'll wait for his to return. She also told me if this was acid-reflux then he would be throwing up after almost every meal which I also know is NOT always the case with acid-reflux so I'm not TOTALLY ruling that out.

Then I mentioned the bloody stool and she immediately said if I was breastfeeding it could be a dairy reaction (well she said Lactose which I read lactose intolerance is different than a dairy allergy. Who knew! Not her!). In my gut I feel there are 2 different issues. At the time of his bloody stool I was O.D.'ing on dairy products but his evening fussiness had started a couple weeks prior. And I've since eliminated..well greatly cut back as much as I could on dairy for the last couple days, maybe that's why there hasn't been anymore bloody stool but he still has the nightime fussiness. Man this is like detective work and impossible to solve! All I know is I want him to be comfortable and happy.

And I just realized after typing all this, see blogging is beneficial, that on kellymom.com it also says regarding bloody stool: There are several case reports of a baby beginning to have mucous and/or blood in the stool after starting vitamin/fluoride drops, where the blood disappeared after the drops were discontinued. I WAS giving him Vitamin D drops (long story) but have since discontinued them since I feel I wasn't properly advised. SO could that have caused it?? My LORD this is hard business being a parent! This could be anything. Is anyone out there a baby-mind reader? Wouldn't it be great if there were actually answers out there and not conflicting info every where you turn? And they all swear they are giving the "real" info. Thanks that helps when everyone is saying it.

I'm going to stick with my limited dairy but not stress over label-reading yet for all those hidden ingrediants (which is still a death-sentence for me) and see if there is any improvement. I'm also going to work on the 5 S's so if the diet changes don't reduce his fussiness at least I have some tricks up my sleeve to calm him. And when in doubt, lube up a thermometer.

Ain't she sweet

When we were at the Mother-in-law's this past weekend she asked me if we needed anything for J. She's already been loading us up on diapers and wipes. I just happened to mention we seemed to have everything we need although he's going to need more warm clothes soon. That was the first day he wore pants and I realized he really didn't have too many nor long sleeve shirts. So in the mail today we got a check with a letter from "her dog" written to J saying "I heard your mom tell my mom you need some warm clothes so I'm sharing my allowance with you." Isn't that nice? Plus it rocks since WE get to pick out the clothes. And I just happen to have a few things on my Raw Sugar and Babystyle wish lists!

Rave retraction!

I'm no longer a fan of the lily padz that I originally thought were so great. I leaked in them all day today and it's almost worse since it doesn't absorb if you do have leakage. Instead it fills up with milk so when you take it off you have this puddle of milk spilling all over the place. But also I was leaking and didn't know it and it overflowed the dumb things leaking through my shirt anyway! Plus I was so convinced they were the answer to my prayers I didn't bring along the cotton ones as back up. Today was just a leaky mess. I don't believe I leak THAT much more than other nursers so what the hell? I don't like them. Comfortable as hell? Yes. Leakproof? No.

Bloody fool

Something is wrong with the boy. For a few weeks now he's had his nighttime fussiness just like many newborns. But now it's the regular fussiness mixed with bouts of painful crying and pushing. More specifically the painful sounds are during the night. I'm woken up by them or they start just after our nighttime nursing sessions. I'm telling you, he's got some kind of pooping issue. Imagine you were pooping and pushing but greatly overexaggerating the pushing part making your face turn read and loud grunts with an occasional tearful cry as if to say "It hurts Mommy, I can't get it out. Please help me!" That's what we're dealing with. Why is it worse in the middle of the night? He's not constipated because he still poops regularly and it's not dark or hard. Still looks the same.

Then there was the slightly bloody stool. My initial reaction was to call 911 and after I calmed down for a second I ran to my baby poop resource which I've stumbled upon from kellymom.com and her bloody stool info. And here is what I read:
Red streaked stools
This usually comes from bleeding in the lower intestine or rectum. Most often it is caused by rectal fissures which are tiny "cuts" around the circumference of the anus. This can be a reaction to dairy in mom's diet. Elimination of all dairy is the first line of defense in this situation. I have seen countless babies who had blood in their poop which resolved when mom stopped all dairy products and returned with even a small amount of milk or cheese. Other dietary changes may be needed for breastfeeding moms. Formula fed babies lose blood from the lower intestine when they drink cow milk formula and some have the same losses on soy formula. Occasionally, this "micro-hemorrhaging" can become visible as blood streaking on the surface of the stool.

It was just in one diaper so I'm no longer totally freaked out. But now I'm convinced I need to illiminate all dairy from my diet. EVERY breastfeeding thing I've read said that generally mom's don't need to change their diet. But I think something is going on and it may warrant an attempt from me to live with out dairy. But you know what? I can't live without dairy! It's in EVERYTHING. Even things I wouldn't think had dairy in them have dairy. I'm going to starve to death. I looked at this list of dairy to eliminate along with the things that may contain hidden dairy. This is my diet and I have no idea what to replace it with especially since it says that many times a baby with dairy allergies also have problems with soy. It would be easy for me to switch to soy but if I shouldn't have that then what?

Breakfast I always had cereal (dairy) but since it became harder to eat with J around I switched to a breakfast bar (dairy) or Carnation Instant breakfast (dairy). I can't even eat the pancakes I make because they have butter and buttermilk (dairy) or eggs because of the butter (dairy). Bryan and I were trying to go out to eat and I couldn't think of anything I could eat. Thai has dairy in the creamy sauces, anything Mexican I'd eat would have to have cheese and/or sour cream (dairy) , if we ate my favorite diner food that would be a grilled cheese (dairy) and pizza (dairy) is totally not an option. My favorite dessert, ice cream (dairy) , is out of the question. I can't even get a coffee because chances are they wouldn't have non-dairy creamer, which by the way has milk derivatives which is a no-no on the list. What the hell! And chocolate (dairy)! No chocolate! I'll be down to my pre-pregnancy weight in no time because THERE IS NOTHING LEFT FOR ME TO EAT. I'm sure I can find substitutes but I'm sorry that fake Rice Dream "ice cream" just isn't talking to me like Ben & Jerry's NY Super Fudge Chunk (dairy) . It would be easier if it were just a lactose intolerance thing instead of a full on dairy thing. Which it could be but I have to try all this to find out.

And it seems like the only way to determine if it is dairy causing the problem is to eliminate it for 2-3 weeks. What happened to trying it for a couple days, I may not make it for 3 weeks! But I'd do anything when I see him in pain like that. Do I really need to be this extreme with the diet though? Who knows it may not be anything even like this. But it's something and I don't know what else to do. I can't hear him like that and not do anything. So finally I lubed up a thermometer and stuck it up his cute little ass. About 10 seconds later the contents of his colon came pouring out. This is a quick fix but how many times can will he tolerate this?

Takes a licking and keeps on leaking

I finally got my Lilypadz breast pads and after 5 minutes I would have recommended them in a heart beat. I still will. They blow any reusable/disposable breast pads away, I wish I had heard about them before J was born and I could have used them from day 1. I can't even feel them, they are invisible under clothes and you can wear them without a bra. Yay for sleeping naked once again! You can hardly see them on too despite your nipple looking a little smashed.

They stay on really well, don't feel sweaty although it hasn't been hot yet for a true sweat test. The ONLY thing that would possibly stop me from recommending them is they are supposed to prevent leakage but my big-producer left boob still managed to leak while nursing from the right during let-down. It wasn't nearly as much as it would have been, just an initial amount then stopped. Otherwise it would have leaked the entire time and leaked through out the night which it didn't do. So if that happens that's some serious moisture trappage but nothing a little quick drying couldn't fix. And besides my cotton breast pads were wet all the time anyway since it was never convenient for me to carry around 47 pairs of them to keep changing. These at least clean and dry up much quicker.

So my advice...if your boobs are leaky, don't waste another second. Buy them. NOW!

Sniff, it's over

I had my final pregnancy related OB appointment yesterday, my 6-week follow up since it had to be rescheduled the other day. And now the pregnancy has official ended.

I decided to go on the mini-pill for birth control. My doc seemed happy with my choice since I prefer the pill and this one is safe while breast-feeding. I am going to keep an eye on my supply though.

Naturally I asked about my next pregnancy/delivery if there is a chance for a vaginal birth for me. My doc is very pro-VBAC so he'll do whatever he can to make it happen although he wouldn't risk me ruptering my uterus just so I can have my vaginal birth. I asked if I could be induced a couple weeks early to increase the chance the baby will fit and he's all for it if the cervix is ripening, otherwise the induction probably won't even work. Of course we'd make sure the baby was at a good stage too.

He does think my chances of a VBAC are good not that he can really tell now. But I said "don't you think there is a good chance I'd have another big baby?"
He said "Yes."
Me: What if I don't gain as much weight, won't the baby be smaller
Him: Even if you gained 15lbs instead of 60, that is your weight, not the baby's. The baby is going to be what he'll be.
Me: Are you just saying that so I don't feel guilty?
Him: No, you did not do this. But maybe for next time you can take up smoking.

He, of course, was kidding.

The infamous balding

See how much he loves being in a stroller

Is it weird that I dress us alike?

It has to be the same manufacturer

Who ever makes maxi-pads must make diapers because they are about the same unconforming shape. They are both way too wide to fit between legs, first of all. Fortunately women have tampons but poor babies have to wear that big shit that looks so uncomfortable. They are 5 inches wide in the crotch when a baby's crotch is about 1 inch wide. And man, Pampers Baby Dry suck!! The Mother-in-law bought us a big package of them because she forgot I said Pampers Swaddlers. We are actually concidering throwing them out they fit so poorly and feel like garbage. Granted none of the disposables are that great but these are terrible.

We actually like Safeway brand which a kind commenter suggested a while back. They fit the best and seem just as leak-proof if not better than the name brand diapers. And shit, they are the cheapest! So what if they have Snoopy on them instead of a more current, popular character. He's gonna shit on it anyway.

If you are trying to piss me off you are succeeding

That's it, because of the spam-asses no more anonymous comments are allowed. It sucks because I get some legit comments from anonymous-ers that I enjoy so hopefully you'll all create an account and comment away.

Fuckers.

Bras aren't the only things that provide good support for your breasts

I went to a breastfeeding support group yesterday which is held at my friend's hospital. I'm not sure if outsiders are supposed to attend but hey, I didn't see any rules posted. It was a pleasant experience, I wasn't sure what to expect. Basically you get to weigh your baby before and after nursing, breastfeed for an hour, commiserate with other breastfeeding moms and talk to LC's if needed.

I went to get more hands on help with J's latch (secretly my main reason for going was to see if other moms still have big, black nipples or if theirs went back to normal yet). Of course he was latching on pretty good at that time, damn him for being so cooperative. He wasn't that hungry to begin with, I was trying to plan his meals around the time but it didn't work out as well as I hoped. He did eat but he's so efficient that he rarely nurses longer than 5 minutes (thank God)so by the time the LC got to me, he was pretty much done. He wouldn't even suck on her finger for her to feel what he's doing. She did help me with the latch as much as she could but it wasn't as easy with a baby who wasn't that hungry. Big Boy weighed 13lb - 3.5oz before eating and 13lb - 4.2oz after. He's 6 weeks/3 days old, I love my big chunk of babe! He's gained 1lb - 5.5oz (I think, if I did the math right) since his 1 month check-up 2 weeks ago. She said he's just a pound over what they want to average, of course he started off big too.

I dragged my friend along, the one who told me about it. I wanted someone with me incase I walked in and it was like an AA meeting where I had to introduce myself and shit like that. I was very thankful she went and now I believe that this happened for a reason. She's a very experienced breastfeeder but her 14 month old gave her some lacerations a little while ago because of teething pain. She eventually became numb to the pain but decided to show the LC's. You know something is wrong when LC's who've seen all kinds of nipple trauma GASP when they look at your nipple. They also told her they want to use her for educational purposes right before they sent her off to her OB immediately to have them taken care of. Fortunately the OB is very pro-breastfeeding and helped her in a way that would allow her to keep nursing. I really believe she went with me for a reason, there could have been some serious long-term damage if she didn't get them taken care of then.

Overall it was a very nice day. After the group we went and had lunch, went to a park then I watched her kids while she got her nipples repaired. J really is such a good baby, I swear. He just went with the flow and didn't get mad when I kept putting him in and out of the car, dragging him all over, in and out of the car seat, into a sling. A couple of times I tried to leave him in his infant seat so not to disturb him so much but he wouldn't stand for it. He wanted his sling, damn it! Of course my boss had to call and ruin the good flow. I hate being like "yeah, yeah so ready to come back bullshit, bullshit, bullshit" right after she tells me how much work they have waiting for me. Are you trying to make me quit? Because it's working...I am, just not before my benefits run out!

I try not to get preachy...

but don't always succeed. If you are pregnant DO NOT FUCKING SMOKE. Yes I will think you are a very selfish, ghetto-ass woman who is not ready to have a child.

I used to smoke and quit over 5 years ago. I know it's hard to quit and if your pregnancy is unplanned then you're pretty much forced to do cold-turkey which is also hard. And pregnancy can be stressful adding to the difficulty of quiting but you know what? TOO FUCKING BAD. You are a mom now and it's time to put your child before your bad habits.

(This is what I wanted to say to that girl I saw today)

That should be my nipple!

I gave Julian his first bottle yesterday of expressed breast-milk. I almost cried. Bryan actually tried to give him one last week and he refused. Everything I read said someone other than the mother should do it, blah blah but it didn't work. So yesterday I was pumping for a bottle so Bryan could give it another try but then he was looking very hungry and Bryan wasn't home yet. I decided to do it. I thought maybe I should be the one to give it to him at first. Maybe he realizes I am his food source so anything I'm giving him would be OK. I still took my boobs out and held him against my chest for ambiance. He was a little slow at taking it at first but he did willingly finish it off. I didn't have a chance to pump much before he needed to eat and he still looked very hungry once the bottle was gone so I let him finish off the old-fashioned way. I also gave him a heart to heart explaining we will be giving him 1 bottle a day and there may be times when he has to have more bottles but he needs to remember that my nipples are #1.

But since his latch still isn't the best I was hesitant on giving him a bottle. But really we're not making any progress on the latching so it is what it is and we're getting by. And I'm starting to think I MAY be able to work on latching with the bottle anyway. I know it goes against a lot of the rules but yesterday it helped me get him to open wider and get his tounge out more. I can see what's going on better and have more control over it. And I could use a little break and well frankly, I just wanted him to learn to eat from a bottle now. But when we tried the bottle last week, it broke my heart. I couldn't even tell you why because mentally I was ready for him to get one and I don't think him having a bottle is "bad." I wasn't weaning him, I wasn't giving him formula, it was still my stuff and he was still going to be breast-fed 99% of the time so I couldn't figure out what was so bothersome. I figured out it's because it's not natural for him to be eating from a bottle. It goes against some biological thing running through my body. It wasn't so much my mind having issues with it, it was my body, my primitive instincts. It was very surprising but almost fascinating we're designed that way. Afterall, we're not much different from wild animal moms. I'd still react just like a mama bear if someone we're to attempt to harm my son. I still wouldn't hesitate to tear you apart like a mama lion if you tried to hurt him.

That's actually been my parenting style thus far, pure instincts. It can make me feel a little alone in the world of child raising. I do find myself hesitant to tell people our choices which is surprising for me. I'm normally all up in your shit with MY views but this is different. I follow my gut, what my first reaction is, I usually go with it. I will worry about changes that have to be made when we get to them and to quote a friend ""do what works for now & cross any problematic bridges later IF they even occur". But like I said, it can get lonely in this world. I'm way more AP than I thought I'd be. Not that I'm trying to label it but it ended up I naturally parent the AP way. And it's true, a lot of people don't so I feel abnormal. I don't feel I can really talk "parenting" because my views are pretty different and I guess I'm scared for their reaction or scared they will feel insulted if they do it differently (which I am NOT implying). And honestly, this isn't a competition, it's just people doing what they feel is best for their child. Now I know why there are support groups for everything under the sun, AP support, BabyWearing support, C0-sleeping support, Breastfeeding support, etc, etc. People need to feel they aren't totally crazy and alone. So here it is, I'm AP. I breast-feed and have no desire to stop, I co-sleep (in our bed!) and don't have a desire to transition him out, I wear my baby every chance I get, I feel uncomfortable using "tools" so I use my swing less and less, don't use a pacifier and feel weird using a stroller. I respond immediately to his cries, and usually it's way before he cries, I know when he's uncomfortable and a cry will come. I don't feel the need to wait for him to cry if I can sense he's unhappy and won't be able to self-soothe.

Of course I'm scared I'm doing more harm than good, no matter what parenting method I choose, I'd be just as scared and doubtful. None of us know how our kids will turn out or what one little thing can permanently scar them or land them in therapy years from now. We don't know what we're doing will make them more co-dependent or independent. Will it be independent in a good way or too independent they will lack the desire for any human closeness? I'm aiming for inter-dependent but who knows if I'll acheive it. Right now Julian can't verbally tell me what he wants so I use his body language and "cues". Does he look content and secure? As I look down at him snuggled closely to me alseep in the sling, with his hands clasped together I'm gonna say yes. If I put him in his crib right now, I wouldn't see this same peace in him.

None of this is some passive-agressive way of saying if you don't believe the same thing then I think you suck as a parent. It doesn't mean that at all. I have a couple friends that are AP, some that are pretty polar-AP and some right in between. I believe each one of us follows our hearts (hopefully) and are truely doing what we feel is best for our family and that's all any of us can do. Right? Right. And pray our children end up the happy, positive and confident adults we want them to be and that they'll even like us when they are teenagers.

Baby Rogain

I feel absolutely terrible. I love babies with hair so I was so happy when J came out with a nice full head of darkness. I knew babies born with hair tend to lose it but I never did. Granted I was born with twice as much as J but I figured he'd be holding on to his too. B's mom even commented on how he hadn't lost it.

Then I started wearing him more in the sling. And now, the once lovely head of hair is just so...scary. The sides are almost completely bald and the center of the back. At first it was just getting thin. I thought he kept getting covered in dog hair until I realized it was his hair! It still wasn't too bad but now the sling has worn a bald ring right around his head. I know it's the sling too, it's right where all my carriers rub against his head. It makes me want to cry. He's still the most handsome babe in the world and nothing could change that but still, this is my fault. If only I just held him in my arms like everyone else...but noooo. I wanted to have my hands free, I wanted him to be soothed, I wanted to get "things done" so I put him in the sling and wear him close to my heart. And now, he's done gone bald. Except for the top, along the bottom of the back and his sideburns. He looks like some sort of Amish-Punk Rocker-Ill child. And I'm to blame. But man, he still can not be any cuter!

Damn babies being born!

I'm half naked at my appointment, trying to nurse J on the exam table thing when I'm informed my doctor got called out for a delivery. Jeez, you'd think an OB would have this stuff scheduled a little better! Looks like we'll be trying again this Friday.

I was able to find out my blood pressure is back to it's ideal state and I've lost 36 pounds...24 more to go. Well I want to lose 34 more but I'll take what I can get.

Oh well this gives me a few more days to figure out what I want to do for Birth Control. Well Breast Feeding is birth control right? KIDDING, KIDDING. I know better.

Population Control

As I head off to my 6 week post-pregnancy follow up appointment, I'm curious to know what everyone used for birth control while breast feeding. I'm not sure what to do. I'm a pill person but that leaves the mini-pill which I don't really know anything about. I don't even know what all my options, I've always been strictly a pill girl for as long as I can remember!

Traveling tales

We survived yesterday. It was very tiring though. Somehow the 2.5 hour drive there turned into almost 4 hours. My sister who is visiting from Florida drove while I rode in the back with Julian. I can't say my sister is my favorite person to travel with and now I remember why. I was anxious enough over how well Julian would do for such a long drive. So we're getting ready to leave and my sister, who supposedly got directions, says:

Her: You know how to get to 83 right?
Me: No, not from Mom's
Her: What do you mean no?
Me: No means "Nope, don't know the way." I know how to get there from my house and that would be completely out of the way
Her: Well I'm sure it's easy
Me: It's not, there are a lot of turns, we need to call mom
Her: I think I know how
Me: How do you know how, you don't even live in MD
Her: I've driven it a couple of times
Me: Fine, whatever

I almost, almost called my mom for directions anyway when my sister went out to the car. But I thought about how Bryan would hate it if I did that to him so I trusted her. Mistake #1. Every frigin' intersection she says "what do you think should we turn here?" I DON'T KNOW which is the same thing I was saying before we left. Damn it! I'm already stressed because I don't know how long Julian will stay calm, the last thing I feel like doing is fucking around trying to make it to the highway. By the time she says I should call mom, my cell phone doesn't have a cignal because we're on these back ass roads. Needless to say we got lost and it took us way longer than it should have. I was PISSED!

Fortunately Julian held strong and with some entertaining and effort on my part, slept most of the time. The last 20 minutes we're pretty rough so my sister started flying on more back roads, meanwhile I'm trying to keep him calm and not throw up at the same time. We get there and my Grandparents we're so happy to see him. So it was worth it. He was pretty "rutchy" as my mom would say, not sure if that's a real word but it's a good description. It was exhausting. I think the car ride plus being out of his element and me without all of my tools to soothe made it a little more work than normal. I had my sling which he would have been fine in the whole day but they actually wanted to see and visit with him so I didn't want him cacooned up the whole time. So I kept him in there for just a little bit and they were so impressed with how calm it made him. I CAN NOT LIVE WITHOUT MY SLING. He loves it, I love it, everyone we're around loves it. We did have a lovely time non the less.

The ride home he slept from the moment we got in until 10 minutes to my moms. And yes, this time the 2.5 hour ride actually took 2.5 hours. But man, those last 10 minutes we're hard core! He was fed up, I don't blame him, it was such a long day for a 6 week old. He doesn't use a pacifier so the last couple minutes I got him to suck on my finger and we managed to make it to my mom's before he exploded again. I knew he was starving and so did my boob. Once I took my nursing bra flap down, it was spraying clear across the room like a fire hose. And man, no wonder my nipples are sore, my frigin' finger was sore from the 3 minutes he sucked on that. He's one rough guy. Awww, my little tough man. I love him.

He and I FINALLY made it back to our own house. He was just tired and hard to soothe by that point. I felt bad for Bryan who hadn't seen him in so long and he finally does and he's beyond rutchy. But Julian and I hopped in the bath together and soaked our stress away. Until he shit in the tub.

Pray for me

I'm actually going to attempt a 2.5+ hour trip one way with my sister and J tomorrow to visit with my Grandparents for the day. Pray that I make it home sane after dealing with J's 20 minute maximum patience for a car ride. More importantly pray for him not to be too traumatized from being in the car way longer than he wants to be. Normally I wouldn't be so willing to do this, especially without B but this is the best opportunity with least hassle for me to get up there to see them. And I keep hearing how my Grandfather isn't doing well so it's important he gets to see J ASAP. Oh lord, please make this worth it!

Best Buds

We just got back from lunch with a couple of good friends, one of which recently had a baby boy as well. As a matter of fact he was born less than 24 hours after J. I must say they hit it off pretty well, cooing and sleeping all over the place.

Hmmmm, can you tell who weighs more! And look how serious J is!

Hey look at me!

Lil ol' me is in this online baby mag, how cool.

Thanks CityMama!!

My son hates me

I'm feeling entitled to a good, old fashioned pity party right now. I finally met with a Lactation Consultant because we're still having discomfort when breast feeding, after 5 weeks. I left there more depressed about it all then when I went in. Basically my nipples are sore because he does some weird tounge thing where his tounge doesn't always go over his gum allowing his gum to rub against my nipple. He doesn't always stick his tounge out but he's totally capable of doing it since he does it sometimes. It's not that he's tounge-tied. If he's latched on well, he'll keep pulling his tounge back and kind of clicking it at the roof of his mouth. You know when you put your tounge up and cluck it or whatever that's called? So either the gum is rubbing my nipple or his tounge is rubbing it. Now having a tounge rub your nipple doesn't sound too painful but having it done for 5 weeks daily about a million times a day can make it a tad raw. And my let-down isn't too fast..well it flows out fast but it's more of a dripping, not a spraying so this probably isn't the cause.

He also does a bunch of mouth and tounge movement before latching on, he has a tight jaw and a extremely high bubble pallete along with pulling back even when we have our hands forcing his head to stay on. So it could be any one of these things or a combo that is making breast feeding more difficult than it should be. She really couldn't give me any remedies only some tips as she didn't see any medical reasons or definitive problems. I can massage his tounge, stick my tounge out at him so he imitates me, pull his jaw open to latch him on (which made him VERY upset) and meet with a speach therapist that specializes in breast feeding babies to help train him to keep his tounge forward. I can tell you that ain't gonna happen. Now if he was having trouble actually eating or speaking I would but we all know he's eating just fine. I know people have had breast feeding problems and they meet with a LC they hear "this is your problem and this is how you fix it" and they go on their happy little breast feeding way. But me I was there for 2 hours and the whole time it's like "Hmmm, this is odd, it could be...or it could be...you can TRY this.." Like I said I left there more depressed then when I went in. I don't think anything is wrong with formula or bottle feeding expressed breast milk but something in side of me does not want to stop breast feeding.

To make today's event more depressing, he screamed almost the entire ride home. I was STARVING to death and desperately wanted to hit a fast-food drive thru so I wouldn't pass out (and for comfort, if he can comfort nurse I can comfort eat shitty food!). And with all of the trillions of fast-food places there are in this world, there is not ONE during my entire 30 minute travel. So I went on starving. A drive-thru was my only option since he was screaming and I'd have to scarf it down on the way home because once I am home I'll have to change him and feed him and naturally the dog will vomit so I have to clean that up, then give B an update, etc, etc, etc. Which is why I was starving in the first place because there is just NO TIME TO EAT. Fuck.

I was given a flyer on a new-mom support group my hospital has early in my pregnancy and I threw it out. No way would I need a support group, pa-shaw. Well the LC recommended I go and I kind of blew it off. But now guess where I'll be Thursdays at 10am. Hi my name is C and I'm a new mom...

*edited: I forgot to mention that Chaotic Harmony helped me soooo much with breastfeeding via email (I felt like I sucked up enough of her time) plus I spent many hours on a board that has reputable certified LC support, I've looked at every latch website and studied every latch instruction, common issues and tips and detailed latching pictures in the world and I still have trouble. J...gotta love him. He makes me earn my pay. Oh wait! We don't get paid for this shit do we?!

Milestone: Lift head at 45 degree angle. CHECK


The many emotions of J

Thanks?

My mom offered to come down tonight to give Bryan and I a little "us" time while she watched J for a bit. We reluctantly agreed and walked to the corner for a quick dinner. We had a lovely time with adult conversation as I TRIED not to mention J every other word. As we strolled home a quick 45 minutes later I was thinking of how nice it was and a minute longer without J would have been too much of a shock to my system.

We come home and see my mom and the baby on the front bench, gliding away and I thought it was such a cute scene, especially since J was so content. Then my mom says "I hope one of you has keys." NO, why would we have keys when we walked and YOU WERE HOME. Dum dum locked us all out of the house. Our nice, relaxing adult night quickly came to a halt.

My mom is one of those who wants to help but always causes more work. During our hospital stay my parents were taking care of the dogs. They returned them they day we were coming home and somehow they managed to lock our bedroom door while looking for the cat and couldn't get it open, my mom got locked out back BY A SCREEN DOOR THAT DOESN'T LOCK. How does one do this???? And there was something else that I managed to block out. My first week alone with J she offered to come over and "help" by doing laundry and the like. I stopped her and just had her hang out with me because if she did laundry, next thing I'd know our washer would be flooding us out or something like that. Her helping = more work.

Fortunately we found a security breech and one of our windows didn't lock very well and Bryan slithered in to the house. I would have been pissed if we had to break a window or call a locksmith. She's just a bad news babysitter. She's free so apparently you do pay for what you get.

It's a.....girl?!

Yeah for Lisa and Jeff! They welcomed a healthy baby girl yesterday named Emma after Lisa's Great-Grandmother. Who is now a Great-Great-Grandmother, how many of those do you know??

I got the call from Jeff this morning and he had that totally excited new-dad sound in his voice. I believe he said she was 7 lbs - 2 oz and the labor went fast (according to Jeff, maybe Lisa feels a little differently!) And since she is their daughter, I can only assume she is absolutely beautiful and I hope to see a pic soon and get more details.

They didn't know the gender. Everyone was convinced it was a boy though. And once again I must point out my initial gut feeling for her was a girl right from the start and her first trimester. Then everyone was saying boy and there were some similarities with our pregnancies so I started to doubt my gut and waffled to a boy. That's what I get for following the crowd.

I'm pretty impressed with my gut, it knew I was pregnant, having a boy, knew when Lisa was pregnant even though she really doubted it, knew she was having a girl AND although you probably won't believe me, I guessed J's weight even though I said it wrong :) I said he'd be 8 lbs - 11 oz BUT that was because I thought there were only 12 ounces in a pound! Who needs education! I said he'd be 1 ounce under 9 lbs and if I had half a brain I would have guessed correctly and said 8 lbs - 15 oz. Oh well, I may have a good gut but a dumb brain.

Ladies and Gents, we have a smile

It's true! A full-fledge, albeit very fleeting, smile from the lil' man. I've seen plenty of the smiles while he was off in dream land but this time we were playing with banana man when we got an alert little smirk. B and I both looked at each other and both said "was that a smile??" We haven't seen it since but damn if it wasn't one! It actually happened 2 days ago but we've been so busy celebrating I haven't had a chance to post about it.

J is going through a rough little patch, mainly every evening from 6-10 pm with some stretches in the day. I hated to call him "fussy" because I never felt like he was fussy, I felt like he needed something and he knew what it was but we couldn't figure it out. It led to some stressful moments none the less and 2 parents feeling very helpless. It was getting to the point where I was afraid to venture out of the house with him incase we had an episode because I have yet to figure out how to soothe him when it happens. And strangers can be so helpful, we had a breakdown in Target when a stranger said "He doesn't sound happy" but she didn't say it in a way that was helpful or cute, it was said in a kind of bitchy tone like I'm either the cause or not attempting to alleviate it. Neither were the case. Thanks stranger bitch.

I was wondering when you know if your kid is "one of those." You know the ones you can't take to a restaurant, or travel with or anything like that. I was a terror when I was a baby, my dad spent every dinner out with me in the car. But one thing I did was always slept the whole time in the car. But J had about a 20 minute max in a car before he was clearly ready to get out. We'd like to visit some out of state relatives but I was not going to do it anytime soon if he'd be screaming the whole time. But last night we were able to calm him, at first we thought it was the base in the Crystal Method playing but then we realized he liked having the windows down. If we came to a stop he'd pick right back up but once we got the wind going again he was a content little pea. Hopefully it wasn't a fluke and we're actually on to something. I'm still not ready to attempt a 2+ hour car ride though!

We picked up a book yesterday by Dr. Sears called The Fussy Baby, how to soothe the "high-need" baby or something like that and we tried a few of the tricks and either it was coincidence or they seemed to help last night. One thing I liked about the book (I didn't get far yet) was that it was pointing out how the baby isn't "demanding" or "fussy" or "stubborn" or all these other terms people like to put on a baby who's trying to express themselves. I hate that and I was guilty of it myself. He's obviously trying to tell us something and just can't. It doesn't make him all those bad things. And to clarify, he isn't a nightmare. It's just a little moaning but he's not colicky, he's not totally unsoothable so I didn't even feel he'd qualify for the "fussy high-need" book, he's not extreme by any means. But the book was pointing out some changes we need to make with our parenting but more importantly just helped with understanding him a little better which in turn will help us meet his needs better. I think we'll get through this, not that I thought it was a perment situation anyway.

We took him to a friends baby shower yesterday and he was a little angel in the sling. He had his moments but very brief and now that I think about it, he wasn't in the sling at those times. Oh my god, you know what we did? Our friend's shower was at her mom's where we've never been before. Well the directions said to look for the pink balloons. We're just about there when we see pink balloons. We saw a Yukon in the driveway, Wendy's car and a 4-Runner, our other friends car so we walked up to the door and knocked. No answer but we could hear a bunch of people. So we walk in and there is a group of people in the kitchen (mainly teens in their bathing suits) and we're like "Hi!!" and they responded. Then there was an akward moment and I said all cheery "we're in the right place right?"
Them: "I uh think so"
Me: "W-W-Wendy's right?"
Them: "There is no Wendy here."

SHIT. We just walked into some random people's house when we wanted the next house up, ALSO having a party, ALSO with balloons, ALSO with a Yukon. B and I felt like such asses (Bryan probably wanted to stay there with the bikini clad teens). Thankfully J is too young to be embarrased of his stupid folks.

Month 1

Happy 1 month birthday J! So what do you think? Is this place all you expected it to be? Are WE everything you expected us to be?? I still can’t believe an entire month has gone by and we haven’t broken you yet.

This month has tested us in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I have never experienced so much physical discomfort from sore nipples to boob rashes to healing incisions to maxi-pad chaffing to baby related back pain. I never thought I could go so long without a shower or wearing the same 3 outfits over and over. Wearing earrings means “I’m dressed up.” I hardly have time to go to the bathroom or eat a full meal, especially without scarfing it down. A good night sleep is a distant memory along with spare time to read a magazine. I’ve neglected my husband, my dogs, my family and friends. I’ve also neglected myself. I have a body I no longer recognize with my flabby, saggy stomach, plus uncombed hair and no makeup. I look like I’ve aged a good 10 years. I’ve never been so full of self-doubt. I’ve never questioned my every choice and every move as much as I have the last month. I’ve never before worried so endlessly or felt so helpless. I haven’t experienced such an emotional roller coaster. I’ve never been so worn out.

Despite all of the above, I’ve never woke up as happy as I do each day now. Before now, I’ve never been able to kiss the little dimples on the back of your hands while you nurse. I didn’t know what it was like to hold your tiny foot in the palm of my hand. And when I heard your first, very faint, pitiful whimper when they pricked your heel in the hospital I instantly knew what it was like to be willing to kill or die to protect you. I never knew what it was like to see a miniature version of your father or throw your hand up over your head while you sleep just like him. I didn’t know how cute it was to have dark fur on your ears or to be able to pinch the backs of your thighs. I never knew what it was like to have your baby look up at you with his furrowed brow as I dressed him as if he was thinking “You have no clue what you are doing still, do you?” I never have been able to see you grow so much so quickly, to see you hold your head up briefly and look all around taking in your new environment. Or to watch your arm movements become more fluid and deliberate. I now get to watch you clasp your hands together, stick your butt and chin out and head back as you stretch. I see you make the best poop face ever where you pucker your lips and flare your nostrils which greatly resembles the face I make when I dance. (I always thought it was sexy when I did it but according to your father it looks more like Mick Jagger.) I never knew you would enjoy bath time so much. I didn’t know you would be so patient with me.

But most importantly, I never knew what it was like to love so much it’s painful and to really feel complete. To have OUR little son, OUR little family. I never knew how wonderful, despite the daily trials, it would be to watch our perfect little boy be just that…perfect.

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Baby Wellness

Well there is no question that my boobs are working. He weighed in at a whopping 11lbs - 15 oz. That is a 2lb - 13oz gain within the last 3 weeks (exactly 3 pounds over his birth weight in a month). They joked that I must be taking steroids and/or someone was leaning on the scale. The doctor seemed extremely pleased with it though, he was really impressed. I think they said they typically would have gained an ounce a day, about 1 1/2 pounds in this time frame. And I was told that formula fed babies generally gain more weight, I couldn't imagine his weight on formula. Needless to say he is in the 95% for weight. I'm actually still having latching issues on one side and he hasn't been eating well from it. Since he's gaining weight so rapidly, I'm scared to correct it and increase his intake! Alas, deliberatly witholding food from your child may warrant a call to the ol' social services. They don't typically measure them at 1 month but B measured him at 23 inches the other day, up from 21 3/4 inches. Not sure how accurate that is.

The doctor was really happy with his progress, mentally and physically. These appointments really ease my mind. I get to go over my list of silly questions that have probably been asked by every new mother (Is it normal for his chin to quiver when he eats? Is his abdomen too large for his body? Does his belly button look ok? You get the point). His next appointment will be at 2 months and unfortunately it's for vaccinations and I have to go alone!!! They didn't have any evening appointments available so I'm going to be the bad guy and probably end up crying more than J!

And look at this book we had made from mypublisher.com. It chronicals his birthday and our hospital stay, I put the letter I wrote to him before he was born and the birth story. I love it, it's a hardback with a leather cover, coffee table style so the pics are like in a yearbook. I thought it was better than a photo album and since all of our pics are digital anyway, this was very easy to do. You can choose your layout and captions. We're going to give our parents one as well. I PLAN on doing one for his 1st year on his 1st birthday. Hopefully I stick to that plan but you know how busy we become. By then I'm estimating we'll have 947,632,497,723 photos of him so it'll be a lot to sort through. Here are a couple photos of it and there are more in Flickr if interested.

Na-na-na-na-na!

I got the kick ass Pink Tattoo flash BellaLina Bambina Mei Tai! Check out the funky red leopard lining and the red straps. By far my fav and we felt sooooo cool wearing it at the grocery store yesterday.

More cuteness

Despite the latest development of baby acne, he's still the cutest baby around! (By the way, can I do anything for the acne? It's increasing but still only on his face and how do I know it's acne and not some kind of irritation that I should be eliminating?) SPEAKING of which, I have a boob fungus! DAMN THE BREAST FEEDING! Fungus might be a bit extreme but it is a rash of some sort that is along the side and underneath right where I put my hand to hold it, you know making the little C hold for the cross-cradle position. I don't know if it's from my hand or from the nursing tank tops I've been wearing. You know when you put the flap down to nurse and there is that other fabric part that covers part of your boob that looks a little stripper-esque, sometimes that fabric goes right over my fungus, so maybe it's from that?? Just what I need, and breast feeding was starting to get so much better! Anyway, back to cuteness..



For more of his photos click here. But I'm sure you already have the link bookmarked, right?? RIGHT.

Unrelated news, Kitty Bits is gone. Well not gone, gone. Our lovely friend Rita took her in. It's not ideal, Bryan is very sad about it still which makes me feel sad. She's outta my hair and Bryan can still visit her but still total sadness and guilt. Hopefully Rita remains OK with it after her flesh has been scratched off. She's more patient than I am and is whipping Kitty's ass into shape. Although from our recent update, Kitty sounds pretty pissed which only made Bryan more sad knowing she's not happy. Yet. She'll come around and if not, then we'll welcome her back with open arms. Sort of. But she'll adjust, Rita is a good mama.

Call the plumber

I've sprung a leak. Two actually, one on the left and one on the right. Yup, from the boobies incase you haven't figured it out. It's nothing new, they've been leaking since my son's food source came in but I've grown tired of it. Does it stop? I mean I know the milk will be there as long as I allow but does the leak on demand thing end? I think about J, I leak. I hear J cry, I leak. It gets to be close to one of his usual feeding times, I leak. I stare at them long enough, I leak. The wind blows, I leak. It's getting pretty uncomfortable with my nipples sitting in a soaken tit-pad all day. I rather not wear the pads at all, that is until Pepper came to visit and not-at-all subtle pointed at my boobs laughing as it leaked through my shirt. Thanks Pep.

I went to Motherhood Maternity yesterday to get more nursing gear and as I'm about to try on a bra the flood gates open. So there I am leaning over and creating nice milk puddles on their floor. I didn't want to catch it in my pads because then I have the whole wet pad issue. I couldn't, with a clear concious, put on one of their bras to soak it up because, well that's just gross for the next person and hell if I want to buy a bra that's already soaked in boob milk even if it's my own. I tried to pinch it off, not so smart, the nipple stimulation only encouraged more leakage. Two puddles later, I exit the store...quickly.

That's why mom's are always late

It really takes you 10 times longer to do anything with a child. I've always been pretty punctual until now. I still forget to take into account getting J ready, feeding J and packing J up when going anywhere. We had a big trip to Target yesterday before meeting up w/Kelli and I spent way more time there then ever and didn't even hit all my normal stops.

As soon as we get there he starts crying and needs to eat. Well I'm still not over my self-conciousness and breast feeding in public but hell if I'm packing us up and going out to the car again like the previous week. So I head for the baby department and whip it out. I figure if you are in the baby department, you may understand why I'm standing there with my boob hanging out. But you get kind of bored standing there so with my sort-of-free arm I try to push the cart and continue shopping as if everything is normal. I think we did pretty well although going to the men's department probably wasn't the best place to go.

Then, when I'm just about done my shopping, he needs to be changed so now what? I have a bunch of shit in my cart that I already picked out and his infant seat and my diaper bag. So do take out my stuff and leave the items in the cart and hope the Target crew doesn't think it's an abondoned cart and put it all back? I sure can't bring it in the bathroom unpaid for. Or do I try and check out quickly without causing too much of a scene with baby clearly letting me know he'd like a clean diaper ASAP? So I go for option #2. But now I have all this PAID for merchandise that I don't want to leave sitting in a cart but way too much shit to try to carry it all in the bathroom with me. Well, that leaves looking like a big ass as I try to push the overflowing cart that is almost too big to fit through the door into the bathroom and try not to bump it into everyone that's already in there. Next time I'm gonna plop my ass on the ground and change him where ever that may be at the moment. That's what the changing pads in diaper bags are for isn't it? Other moms make this shit look so easy.

I'm looking forward to Sunday, brunch with the girls about 7 or 8 of us, AKA "Bitches that Brunch". The last time we had brunch I still had morning sickness and couldn't enjoy the pumpkin pancakes. We used to do it monthly but have since fallen out of sync. Fortunately we have a great coordinator, Rita that makes it all happen. Helen's Garden here we come, the freaks are back and we're even reproducing. Guess it's Amy's turn to have the morning sickness this time.

Not only rocks my baby but it ROCKS MY WORLD

All hale the mighty swing! I finally got the swing from my mom's house yesterday and it's a Godsend. J loves it, I love it and most importantly I have 2 free hands!!! I don't want to use it as a scapegoat though, always throwing him in there but it's nice to know he's content when he does get his swing time.

And now for a rant...

All I have to say is if I'm going to be suckered into paying $20 for a onsie that our son will probably only get to wear onsie time - despite saying it'll fit 0 to 6 months - make sure the fucking snaps actually snap AND STAY SNAPPED! Poor boy, 2 of the crotch snaps kept coming undone so it looked like he was wearing a thong the whole day.

Way too soon for something so depressing

I did the unthinkable. I tried on my pre-pregnant clothes. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Now I'm going to throw out some sizes for the sole purpose of backing up my confession of a very poor self-image.

I used to wear a 2 on average. I had some 0's (whatever the hell size this is, and the clothes get bigger anyway just so people like me can feel good about wearing a "2" when it's really probably an 8) Anyway, I also had some 4's. Shortly before I got pregnant I started wearing more 4's than 2's and I was depressed about this new gluttonous weight gain. People always told me I was skinny which went in one ear and out the other. I KNEW I was not skinny. I didn't care if my clothes were size -10, I had a HUGE ass, thunderous thighs and was just a big blob. Or that's how I saw myself. In my defense I never starved myself. I always had a very big appetite but I generally tried to eat somewhat healthy and low-fat. And I used to work out but I swore I looked like a pig. And it's not like I would look at people who were bigger than me as if they were worse, I saw everyone better regardless of their size. No matter what, I was worse.

Since about half of my pregnancy weight is gone (imagine if I actually gained the recommended 30 lbs) I thought I could dig out some of my regular gear. I purposely only picked out the things that used to be big on me or were exceptionally stretchy. OH MY GOD. I felt like I was trying on little kids clothes. I could NOT believe these were my clothes. Me! The pig! I couldn't pull anything up over my knees, no exaggeration. Things that would fall off me before I had to keep checking I was putting on right, you know not accidentally trying to stuff 2 legs into 1 leg hole. Nope, I am currently about 4 times the size I was.

How did I not see this before? Why did I not appreciate it before? How do I overcome such an unhealthy self-image? And most importantly, will I EVER be able to wear my original wardrobe again???

I'll spare you, just a little bit

I really want to keep posting never ending photos of my new love but I'm not sure how much you guys can take. So I posted the link on the right so you can take a gander at your leisure. But do it NOW, it's over there ---------> under LINKS

True love

(nope, not going for the flash dance look, the shirt is too big!)

More killer gear, gifts from Wendy and John. Gotta love the black onsies. Now if they'd only make black diapers so he doesn't have such bad panty lines.

He loves to model, can't you tell? A gift from Pepper, bringin' style from NYC.