Thursday, November 03, 2005

Deep breaths

Today was a little better. The night was still awful and we got no sleep but he seemed to get better throughout the day. I'm hoping yesterday was a crazy fluke. It was awful, it took me back right to the beginning of this shit. His poop is still bad and he's had consistent blood again but the pain is what I can't stand to watch. I called his GI yesterday to ask her about the pain and she told me it's normal for allergic colitis. Which I knew it was I was just trying to explain this is how he was in the beginning but it completely went away with dietary changes. I didn't understand why it would suddenly come back. She didn't seem concerned. Oh they never are. Which reminds me, Dr. A-hole allergist hasn't called me back. I have a lot of people on my shit list but he just got bumped to the top.

I told the GI his stools are still watery and mucousy and she again told me she's fine with the mucous and blood during the healing but if he is still having watery stools in 2 weeks then she wants to do a scope. I wasn't sure what kind of scope but concluded it's probably a flexible sigmoidoscopy since she said it would be quick and he'd be awake for it. Still scares the watery poop out of me. Otherwise my follow up is the end of December. Looking back I am mad that I didn't pursue his initial green stools more. I questioned them but was repeatedly told by our ped and others that green is normal. It can be but I knew his weren't. I knew something wasn't right. I questioned myself and assumed it was first-time mom paranoia. Even his moaning during the daytime he used to do. It's all so clear to me now. It always is isn't it? I just feel like if I trusted my instincts then, we'd never be this far gone.

Our pediatrician called to check in on J and I thought that was nice. I mainly just bitched about the allergist, I had to voice my complaints to someone! He validated my concerns and actually said he wasn't happy with the report he was given from him. And it took the allergist forever to follow up with our ped when he requested more info. I also asked him his thoughts on putting J's next vaccines on hold since they should be in 2 weeks. He is fine with it for a little while. My concern is I don't want to do anything more to his system than I have to. And with him having such freaky symptoms already I was afraid I wouldn't see signs if he was having a reaction to the vaccine. Not to mention if he did get a high fever from it, he wouldn't be able to take the infant tylenol because of the corn syrup. An allergy-free supository was recommended to me which is good to know incase we need it but the last thing I want to do to him is make his bum anymore uncomfortable.

I just still can't believe it's come to this. I've never dreamed I'd be eating this little. Ever. I remember thinking my life was over when I had to eliminate dairy. Now if I only had to eliminate one food group I'd be in heaven. But dairy is probaby the 1 food group I really want back! I can deal with out meat, nuts and eggs and probably even corn, but I want some fucking dairy. I would take dairy over soy any day.

I was so exhausted after 2 sleepless nights in a row and no calories to keep me going. Sometime this morning I handed J to Bryan and said "can you take him for a while?" I wasn't sure what he'd do and I knew he had to get ready for work but he took him and played with him and managed to get ready. And by the time he had to leave for work, J was ready for his first morning nap. So it was like I got to sleep until 10am. Just having that hour break in the morning did wonders. I wasn't planning on going to yoga because I thought he would be having a bad day and thought I'd be too tired. But after my great sleep from 6am-10, I decided to go because if I didn't I would mope around the house. I'm so glad I went. And after I wanted to treat myself to something and I GOT MY CAR WASHED inside and out. I've been wanting to do this since January! I never thought a car wash would make me feel like a new person. I've tried to go shopping to cheer myself up but I'm too depressed to shop for myself. Is that possible?? Too depressed to shop sounds rediculous to me. After all my depression a few years ago was the main source of my credit card debt. But I want to buy skirts and heels and then I realize my life has no purpose outside of sweats and slippers. Where the hell would I wear a skirt? And heels?? If it was at least Summer I would wear skirts and flip-flops.

After I got home and had my lunch, J was ready for his 100th nap of the day. He only cat naps now much to my dismay, kinda like our nights! I normally don't nap with him in the afternoon anymore because they are usually 30 minutes at the most. And after a 30 minute nap I'm more pissed off. Fuck a power nap. But I needed sleep today, any sleep at all. Imagine how happy I was when I woke up at 5pm!! And J slept until 5:45... a 2 1/2 hour nap! A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. This doesn't happen around here. Yeah I'll be up all night now from napping so late but damn I feel good now! Hell I even put the laundry away that's been laying around for 2 weeks. J had to go to bed an hour later but so far so good. I always get ahead of myself but could a long nap indicate....more progress? Could it? Probably not but any false hope to help me make it through until tomorrow will do.


Blogger ^starshine said...

I so freakin' hate that "waiting for the doc or nurse to call back." I've complained to my Pedi about how much I hate his office that I think I have a "Bitchy Mom" note in all my girls charts.

You are a woman after my own heart. I'm so freakishly giddy about a clean car that my husband bought me car washing supplies as my "baby gift." I completely understand the joys of a clean car. (Specially when my house is a wreck from little kids and the husband.)

Oh yeah...sleep is the finest gift from the Baby Gods. Sleep and all will be well!!

12:36 AM  
Anonymous Prdmommyof3 said...

you are some one to be admired! There are not many moms that would do all you do to feed your baby the best possible thing, your milk. I have three kids and have breast-fed all of them, but have never had to go through anything near what you have. Trust your instincts, no one knows your child like you, you are your child's best advocate!

1:09 AM  
Blogger jay are said...

yes, Mom always knows. She just does. Better to be erring on the side of caution. Trust your mommy instincts. They're amazingly right most of the time. And when they're not, they're just being a safety net.....

glad you've gotten a little sleep. Amazing how psychotic we get without it.....

wishing you more good days ahead....

2:01 AM  
Blogger dakotablueeyes said...

I'm so sorry this is happening to him again. Poor guy. Dam the doctors, they expect you to be on time if not early and they take their sweet assed time getting to you and getting back to you. Pisses me off. Power naps don't do a dam thing for me either. Its a mom thing, you gotta have sleep.

7:41 AM  
Blogger The Mom said...

Hindsight is always 20/20 girl... don't beat yourself up over it. Now you know to always follow your gut instinct... more often than not mommy is right. If you're wrong, big deal. Maybe a nurse thinks you're paranoid, who gives a shit? I feel so awful for you guys. Hopefully this is something he'll outgrow sooner rather than later. In the meantime, you can be confident that you're doing the absolute best job possible!

8:36 AM  
Blogger Anne said...

oh man, I haet to hear this thing is still going on and how disheartening that the doctors can't say any more to encourage you. I would be pissed off and worn out too. and look here, you can't blame yourself for not pursuing the thing earlier. Hell, you TALKED to the ped about it. What, are you supposed to take it to the surgeon general? You are doing so well, Cara, we all admire your strength.

3:57 PM  
Blogger holli said...

Sigh.. I wish things would get better for you in this area. But I know they will, because you won't be breastfeeding forever. I know it doesn't help much now - especially when you aren't sleeping!!! Heck, I'm used to staying up - I would come help if I could!!

Hugs.. you're doing such a great job at managing all this new food intake business. Try and get some rest this weekend. Hope hope??

7:29 PM  
Blogger Candice said...

I am so sorry that you are going thru such a hard time. I hope that you guys can figure it out soon, for peace of mind and your son's comfort. To be sure, it's never easy, but it shouldn't be as hard as you have it. On anyone. But your perseverance is inspiring!

8:02 PM  
Blogger Ticket 4 Two said...

I'm finally in Bmore chicha! I'm so sorry to hear about the poor little wee one, hoping he gets better....

10:04 PM  

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