OB appointment update - and the first example of my hypocritical parental behavior

Blood pressure - OK (figures!)
Urine - OK
Weight - none of your business, quit asking me! ;)
Baby's Heart Rate - OK
Measurement - 41 1/2
Effaced - 80%
Dilated - 0 cm
Station - 0 (wooohooo, some droppage going on in this bitch)

It's true I'm a hypocrite and no this won't be the first time you realize this. Well he's checking out my cervix and it was painful. I'm thinking what the fuck are you doing in there as I wince in pain. He asked if I've ever had any kind of procedure done to my cervix like blah, blah, or freezing. And I said I did have the freezing thing done back in 1996 (crazy the things we forget) and he said that my cervix feels scarred and that's why it's not opening. He thinks I'd normally be about 2 cm dilated (not that he could ever say for sure but nice to hear that's what he thinks). Apparently because of my scaring it most likely won't dilate on it's own and he'll have to go in and open it up. HOLY SHIT OUCH! And I guess that's what he was trying to do but unfortunately couldn't get his finger in there to do it.

So how am I a hypocrite? Well this was the appointment I was going to demand answers! I didn't think I would get any because it's really up to my body but it made me feel better to ask. Before I could go through my whole list he brought up inducing. He's concerned about the size of the baby and my lil ol pelvis (ha, have you seen my hips!). And he told me they would/could do something to help ripen the cervix which I guess would make it easier for him to cram his finger in there to rip it open. He said it wouldn't hurt as much as it did during my appointment today so that was reassuring and it sure as hell wouldn't hurt as much as a baby's head trying to force through it. We wanted to know how long he'd let me go before inducing and we were both surprised when he said "well by the end of next week you will have your baby." Oh..umm..what? You mean this baby will be on the outside...we'll have to actually take care of it? So it isn't gonna stay in there forever huh? There's no going back is there?

None of this came as a surprise but it's just crazy to actually be forced to face reality. And so naturally I wanted to know more like WHEN??? WHAT DAY??? He asked me what day I wanted and you know, I couldn't really think straight right then. I was still shocked and tightly clenching my legs from the thought of my cervix being forced open. I catatonically joked about Monday and he said that is good for him. I kind of snapped out of it for a second and tried to think clearly about this and questioned the end of next week. He really didn't want to wait until the end because of the whole size thing, if he's concerned about the size, that makes me really concerned about the size. I'd hate to put it off and end up with a cesarean because the baby's big ass head won't fit. I still could always end up with a C-section which is fine but I'd rather minimize the chances.

I know what you are thinking "You said you would refuse to be induced before your due date." Yeah thanks for reminding me, I KNOW I SAID THIS (hypocritical point) but when you dangle a baby in front of my face, I'm gonna grab it. Or so I've learned. AND, it's really quite surreal when you are suddenly faced with the reality it's gonna happen...next week...regardless. I asked Bryan what his thoughts were and he was about as speechless as I was so we just kind of fumbled along and went with the flow. We were pretty numb at that point. So there you have it, my induction is scheduled for 6am Monday morning. Holy. Shit.

My baby will have a birthdate of 7/11/05. Weeeeeeell, maybe. We went to dinner to kind of talk this whole thing out but we pretty much just stared off into space playing it over in our head. Bryan has his feelings but thinks the decision ultimately has to be up to me. I of course want to take his opinion into consideration but still know I have to do what I feel comfortable with. I am thinking of calling them back tomorrow to reschedule for 7/13 which is my actual due date. I want to sleep on it. What I'm really hoping for is for it to magically happen on it's own in the meantime which is still a possibility. I honestly don't know. You can't ask me what day I want to have my baby! I don't know! I just think about the sooner it is, the sooner I'll be holding my baby, we'll know what he looks like, we'll just finally get to experience everything we've been thinking about for 9 painfully long months. So yeah, Monday does sound better then Wednesday. But part of me is thinking in all fairness, I should at least wait until my due date to give it the true 40 weeks for it to happen on it's own. I don't want to have to make this decision!!

I'm fine with the fact I'm going to be induced, I was kind of expecting it at this point anyway since I had to go ahead and grow a giant fetus. And although I still want to really to give the non-pain medication thing a try, I've kind of resigned myself to the fact that if I'm induced and from what I hear, an epidural may become my best friend. I'm just gonna go in with an open mind and take it one contraction at a time.

And while I truly love each and every one of you, I'm not really looking for opinions. Support is always appreciated but nothing personal, this is something I have to decide on my own, along with my husband and nothing that can be left in a comment on my blog will help me decide on way or the other. I know some of you out there are probably anti-inducing and some are all for it. Because of that I ask for you to keep these opinions to yourself but feel free to show me some love!