Putting my feelings into words
I've been really good mentally the last 2 days. I feel 100 times better about everything but I thought I'd share some of the thoughts I had when I first got home. I thought it may help any other pregnant gals out there incase they experience any of the same feelings so they know they aren't alone.
1. I felt I would fail him. Like he deserved a better mother
2. I was still very upset, scared and sad for his little heart rate scare during labor. All I could think about is how he must of been scared or upset and that breaks my heart.
3. I felt guilty for not being able to nurse him or even hold him immediately after he was born
4. I was already sad about the fact he would get older
5. When I looked at him there is such an innocence about him that is so beautiful. I would think about how someday somebody would hurt him. Even if it was an injury during a game or a girlfriend breaking up with him, at some point he would get hurt. I knew then I would be unable to always protect him from all physical, emotional or mental pain.
6. I was already, and still am, extremely sad about going back to work, even if it is part time. I do not want to leave him...ever, especially when he's still so young. The thought is so upsetting.
7. I was sad the pregnancy was over. Once my innerds started working again there would be kind of a jerking feeling which very closely resembled his kicks. It reminded me that I wouldn't feel them anymore.
8. I feel guilty about all the medication I did, had to, or still take during the pregnancy, labor and now. I don't like the thought of some if it going to him.
9. The c-section recovery pain as previously mentioned
I think those were some of my big feelings that kept coming into my head which would instantly kick off a breakdown. Like I said though, I am feeling much better about most of them. #6 and 8 still upset me but it's better than all 9. We're making progress!
1. I felt I would fail him. Like he deserved a better mother
2. I was still very upset, scared and sad for his little heart rate scare during labor. All I could think about is how he must of been scared or upset and that breaks my heart.
3. I felt guilty for not being able to nurse him or even hold him immediately after he was born
4. I was already sad about the fact he would get older
5. When I looked at him there is such an innocence about him that is so beautiful. I would think about how someday somebody would hurt him. Even if it was an injury during a game or a girlfriend breaking up with him, at some point he would get hurt. I knew then I would be unable to always protect him from all physical, emotional or mental pain.
6. I was already, and still am, extremely sad about going back to work, even if it is part time. I do not want to leave him...ever, especially when he's still so young. The thought is so upsetting.
7. I was sad the pregnancy was over. Once my innerds started working again there would be kind of a jerking feeling which very closely resembled his kicks. It reminded me that I wouldn't feel them anymore.
8. I feel guilty about all the medication I did, had to, or still take during the pregnancy, labor and now. I don't like the thought of some if it going to him.
9. The c-section recovery pain as previously mentioned
I think those were some of my big feelings that kept coming into my head which would instantly kick off a breakdown. Like I said though, I am feeling much better about most of them. #6 and 8 still upset me but it's better than all 9. We're making progress!
posted by Mama C-ta at
3:46 PM
8 Comments:
cara, it's great that you are doing better. you guys look so happy! he's so beautiful
Those all sound so familiar. I think it's so strange that so many of us can have the same feelings of despair about the same things.
Re: #6 -- by the time you actually do go back it will be a lot easier than it would be today. It will be hard, still, but you will be able to manage it.
Thanks for sharing with us.
#6 is still a daily battle for me.. I have to work full-time, but since I'm Faith's only parent and source of financial support I have no choice.. but you have to do what you have to do.. and it's obvious your heart is full of love - in the end.. isn't that what makes the biggest difference in the life of a child?
p.s. he's a doll baby.
So glad to hear that you are feeling better. #6 drives me crazy all the time!... c'est la vie! My kids know I love them - even when I am not there, Julian will too.
PS He is absolutely adorable! --- I think I want another one!
#4 is a big one for me. Elaina is holding her head up and yesterday she almost rolled all the way over! They just grow so fast...
This is Ang, btw. I did move my blog.
Hi! :) Just found your blog through Mrs. Flinger and Rbelle...
I just noticed that we delivered at the SAME hospital. Small SMALL world!!! I'd love to hear about your experience there... I have some good and bad feelings about my delivery there and am trying to decide whether or not to go with GBMC next time around. Email me sometime! :) erinspring@gmail.com
Congratulations on the baby boy!
Mr. Flinger doesn't get it, but every day I still think, "Oh, she's going to get older..." It started when she was 2 days old.
And when I got into the car at the hospital (the first time I left..) I bawled. BAWLED the whole way home. :-)
The wonderful thing about this is that we're all women and we all "get it." I hope your list does help some prego girls! 'Cause we're never alone in this!
Big ass cyber hug for you, mama!
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