Saturday, July 16, 2005


I am beside myself with love for my baby. When I look at him I see perfection and he's more than I could ever have asked for. So why have I been crying my eyes out since we got home yesterday? Bawling even. I have no disappointment with him what so ever and can't imagine not being with him. I feel such an unexplainable bond with him so why am I so sad?

My question is when is the Baby Blues no longer the baby blues but Post Partum Depression? For those who have had it, when did you realize it was beyond the normal adjustment? For those who haven't had it, were your "Baby Blues" this bad and when did it get better?

The hardest part is not knowing what is upsetting me and it makes it even harder on Bryan who just wants to help and make everything better.


Blogger Zenchick said...

keep in close touch with your OB...
I haven't had a kid but I am a social worker; post-partum depression is real, treatable, and to be taken seriously.
(having said that, give yourself a break, and a little bit of time :) )

1:23 PM  
Blogger Jojo said...

I cried after both my kids were born... for days... weeks. I know the first weeks are almost anti-climatic after all the waiting, plus my/your body is going through a HUGE adjustment period. Your hormones don't know if they are coming are going! I think this is all pretty normal. The best thing I did was reach out to as many people as I could. I took all and any help offered with the kids and I slept when baby slept. Fuck the housework! Hang in there. It WILL get better and Julian will bring you more joy than you ever thought possible.

2:04 PM  
Blogger kel said...

With my first child I cried and just felt like anything would make me bawl for the first 2 weeks then it got better. With my son it went on for about 30 days and I spoke with my OB and I went on medication for about 8 months for post partum depression then got better.

2:19 PM  
Blogger Elaine said...

With Lil I remember feeling a lot of emotion after she was born and Mark would find me sitting with her in arms, just bawling. My whole world had just been seriously altered and I was feeling it, big time. It went away after a while. With Anya, there's been nothing like that. I can’t say why, just that it hasn’t showed up this time.

I don't know how the birth went, but look at that experience as well. Is there anything you are mourning? Did you want one thing to happen, only to have another occur? While the end result is good (healthy baby), it's perfectly normal to feel some sorrow if the birth didn't go as planned. May this be impacting your mood? If so, allow yourself to suffer that loss so you can move on. Again, I don't know about how the birth went, so I'm just letting you know what some people have found!

Hang in there, babe. You'll work through this. Just give it the time and space needed and don't try to push past without giving it a good look. And write; write as much as you can (even if it's only for you to read). That helped me a whole lot!


4:46 PM  
Blogger Kira said...

I think a few days of crying while your hormones get back to normal is "normal" (whatever that is)
I've been "told" that persistant crying and depression that lasts longer than that, is what they call post partum depression. I could be wrong but I think depression that is persistant after the first few weeks and lingers for months is what you have to watch out for, but this crying might go away pretty soon by itself (or not, I was depressed for a whole year!).
MOST IMPORTANT: I'd call your OB immediately and see what he or she can do for you. I'm sure if it is a good dr. that he or she can help you.
I wish you the best and remember "this too shall pass". :)

6:41 PM  
Anonymous molly said...

Hey Casalita, I have no personal post-baby experience to share, but I wanted to remind you that one of your greatest strengths (that still blows my mind to this day) is that when you were low, you somehow still found the clarity to CHOOSE to get better, no matter how much work it would be, and how painful the process might be. And LOOK AT YOU NOW! You have achieved so much it makes my head spin!!! With Bryan by your side believing in you, and, most importantly, your own strong-willed stubborn head and heart believing in yourself, you became one incredible person. Now, together, you have become a family and made a brand new being! You know I'm not a religious person, but if that doesn't get your head spinning about life and creation and mortality and right and wrong and some kind of higher something AND you've been entrusted with the care of a little life... how completely overwhelming! The only times I cry like a baby for no good reason are when I feel like things are completely beyond my control (even if it's something stupid, like my car breaking down!)-- having a new baby must be the biggest, craziest example of this sensation ever---of course you're bawling! With that being said, you know your mind so well... you know what healthy feels like and looks like for you versus unhealthy. If you recognize that low little part starting to creep in, you'll recognize that old enemy you've squashed before! Don't hesitate to squash it again! Trust yourself and your knowledge of your own mind. I love you! --Pesto
p.s. On Monday, I was at a meeting at my friend Shaleen's office, and I kept anxiously checking to see if there was any news, so finally I just had to let her read, too (now you're bookmarked on her computer). After reading your "100 Things about Me", she said to me: "She's going to be a wonderful mother. She seems a lot healthier than most people. She's just more honest than most of them, too."

6:49 PM  
Blogger dakotablueeyes said...

Yes just keep in touch with your OB I think its just hormones cause the level was different when you were preggers and now that you aren't its like they are so out of whack. I think crying is normal so don't worry too much.

7:06 PM  
Anonymous Carol said...

I think you are just experiencing some post-delivery hormonal baby blues. I cried over *everything* for no reason at all after I had my 1st one. It wasn't nearly as after #2 or #3. Although I did experience some PPD after #3. She was about 6 months old.

If I were you, I'd just hang tough for a few weeks. If you are still feeling this way when he's 3 or 4+ months old, then go see your doc. Zoloft & a host of other anti-depressants are considered safe to take while nursing.


7:08 PM  
Anonymous Carol said...

Whups -- That's me, Carol @ Chaotic Harmony above *blush*

7:09 PM  
Blogger KELLI BELLY said...

I also cried for the first two weeks off and on . Definitely give it a couple of weeks. I actually cried off and on while longer than that but knew I wasn't depressed. It was just hormones adjusting. Thats so normal Car, just remind yourself that it wont last much longer. :0) It's a huge adjustment. Your body's been through a lot in the last 9 months and everythings trying to go back to normal. I promise it will get better. I was nervous too mama. I'm sending lots of love your way girl! Call me if you just want to talk:0)

8:23 PM  
Blogger Candice said...

baby blues last 2 weeks and are normal. Anything beyond that is postpartum depression. And that, my dear, is the textbook answer.

9:14 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Flinger said...

I heard something about if you don't feel better, but are getting worse after two - three weeks to seek help. For me, I was pretty bad. I thought of suicide, running away, hiding in the closet. It was the fourth week that I sat in the bathtub crying and didn't get out for two hours that I thought, "ENOUGH OF THIS."

I'm not trying to scare you.. but you have to know it's OK to talk about and it's MORE ok to seek help. Early and often. Stay in touch with your Doc. It can never hurt. :-)

But for the crying? You are SO NORMAL! Big change. And what a great lil' man!!! Congrats!!

9:33 PM  
Blogger Anne said...

i was just like kellibelli. id look down at lily and sweet so think it only becomes a problem if you become unable to do anything else but cry, tho. its overwhelming for everyone, hon.

10:20 PM  
Blogger KELLI BELLY said...

BTW, don't let people scare you with the anything past 2 week mark your doomed! It's different for everyone. :0)XOXOXOXOXOXO

11:01 PM  
Blogger Candice said...

So anyhow, I neglected to post my own experience. After my first was born, I too just sat and cried, over EVERYTHING! It was a huge, HUGE change. I mourned my imperfect birth and realized I was NOT ready to be a mom. But like some others who've posted on your blog, I didn't experience that with my second. I think you do mourn some changes, even if you don't realize it. And motherhood is hard! And at first there's almost no reaction from the baby to you, no facial expressions, really,But pretty soon that little guy will look up at you and give you a big, drowsy, milky smile and you will just forget that you ever were upset at all. I promise. I wasn't trying to upset you with the "textbook answer" or anything, but this is the answer my husband gave me straight from his textbook, LOL. Girl you are going to be GREAT! More than great! If I could go through my first all by my lonesome, then you definately can do this with your super-dad, amazing, loving husband who even thought to print all your comments and post a photo for all of us to see. You have a history of life experience that has just prepared you for this now. And I know you are going to be a kick ass mom!

11:45 PM  
Anonymous Nicole said...

I think what you're experiencing is totally normal, and like others have said, I would give it some time. In the first few weeks after Claire's birth I was a wreck, just as you've described. I was totally overwhelmed by the delivery, starting breastfeeding, and all of the changes I had to make in my life to accomodate this very much wanted but nonetheless DEMANDING new human being. I cried for no reason. I told Ron that it was too much and that I thought we made the wrong decision to start a family. I started looking for PPD support groups online. But slowly, those feelings started to dissipate and pretty soon I found myself adjusting better to this "new normal."

One thing that was hard for me to keep separate was that these feelings weren't about not wanting to care for my baby and meet her needs. It was about crazy hormones, crazy sleep schedules, sore nipples, not being able to poop comfortably, bleeding, pain from the C-section, and on and on. In other words, try not to take this as a reflection on your mothering skills (which are FINE!) or your bond with Julian, but rather as a normal part of this whole gig.

I can't recall a specific timeline, but I do remember that by the time my 6 week post-partum check came along, I was feeling much better.


12:40 AM  
Blogger Daph said...

Oh, honey, big hugs to you. It's a huge adjustment, just give yourself a couple of days to settle down at home. I know that I went through the baby blues with Phoebe, but it didn't last long. There's just so much new stuff thrown in your lap, and you can prepare and prepare but STILL have no idea what a huge leap it is to bring a baby home and still have to deal with all your hormones a-ragin'. Be sure to lean on your hubby as often as you can, and just take it slow, and go easy on yourself.

(((((((((((big hugs)))))))))))

1:52 AM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

Huge hugs! I have only a few weeks until I will be in the same position. My midwife put me on welbutrin 2nd trimester because I told her I had a history of depression and she said that the liklihood of getting postpartum depression was much higher. I am hoping to head off the depression by continuing the meds. I read that it is okay to breastfeed too with meds. I just hope that you feel better soon. I enjoy your blog so much and am so excited for you and your family. Just take it one day at a time and don't be afraid to ask for help.....hugs!

10:26 AM  
Blogger pretendingsanity said...

Just want to say that yes, it could take a couple of weeks. don't get yourself freaked out, it's normal. You've got SO much change going on in all aspects of your life right now. It's totally understandable.

hugs. and smoochies for that cute, cute baby.

10:57 AM  
Blogger fuzzypeach said...

Hey there mama! Just want to second what others have said... in the first two weeks or so it's a given things will be crazy. Your hormones are going wild. After that you want to keep a close eye on it though and determine if you need help.

How I describe the emotional landscape of the first few weeks postpartum is that I felt shattered... not like how people say they're shattered when they're upset over something, but literally like my mind had exploded and it took a while for the shards to fall back in place.. both because of the hormones and the emotional adjustment of becoming a mother.

Talk about it, know it's normal, and hang in there!

2:31 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

Cara, I didn't even deliver my babies... and I bawled my eyeballs out all the time. I went through a "post partum" life changing/ overwhelmed ... "thing" I always chalked it up to losing a bit of me and gaining a lot of baby. :) Julian will get you through it. Kids are funny that way. Being the center of the universe is a very powerful thing. :) Just ask Julian.

6:20 PM  
Blogger rina said...

wow, you have gotten a lot of great advice here. I was very weepy after the birth of both my kids. My doctor gave me a prescription for zoloft after my second, but I didn't take it. Your homones are to blame and they will be wacked the whole time you are nursing. Just ride it out. I have good days and bad days, but now that my son is 8 months old, the good far outway the bad. And by bad I mean crying, tired, overwhelmed days. The hormone drop that happens during those first two weeks is INTENSE.

You might also wake up one night drenched from night sweats and shake from chills. Don't be freaked out, that is a hormone drop, too. I wish someone had warned me about that one. It was pretty scary the first time.

12:36 AM  
Blogger Renee said...

I had 2 days of bawling like a baby after my first baby. I had no idea what was wrong with me as i wasn't unhappy or anything. I had my hubby call the doc...because i couldn't hardley talk without crying. He said it was just a dramatic shift in hormones. He told me i could have a glass of wine to relax and i did! It went away after a couple days and i was happy again. I laugh thinking back now but at the time it was very upsetting! I hope you're doing better now!*hug*

8:00 AM  
Anonymous MB said...

The first weeks were very, very hard, very emotional, very overwhelming. There were many days when I woke up crying and didn't stop until I went to bed. Get help. I was too depressed to ask for help of any kind, and I wish I had. If people come over, make them help you instead of be waited on by you. I wish I had done that, too. Your tears won't hurt the baby, and neither will your overwhelming emotional roller coaster. Lean on bryan and whoever else will let you. With drugs or with time, you'll find your footing, rest assured.

You've got a gorgeous little bambino there!

2:02 PM  

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