Monday, July 18, 2005

Putting my feelings into words

I've been really good mentally the last 2 days. I feel 100 times better about everything but I thought I'd share some of the thoughts I had when I first got home. I thought it may help any other pregnant gals out there incase they experience any of the same feelings so they know they aren't alone.

1. I felt I would fail him. Like he deserved a better mother
2. I was still very upset, scared and sad for his little heart rate scare during labor. All I could think about is how he must of been scared or upset and that breaks my heart.
3. I felt guilty for not being able to nurse him or even hold him immediately after he was born
4. I was already sad about the fact he would get older
5. When I looked at him there is such an innocence about him that is so beautiful. I would think about how someday somebody would hurt him. Even if it was an injury during a game or a girlfriend breaking up with him, at some point he would get hurt. I knew then I would be unable to always protect him from all physical, emotional or mental pain.
6. I was already, and still am, extremely sad about going back to work, even if it is part time. I do not want to leave him...ever, especially when he's still so young. The thought is so upsetting.
7. I was sad the pregnancy was over. Once my innerds started working again there would be kind of a jerking feeling which very closely resembled his kicks. It reminded me that I wouldn't feel them anymore.
8. I feel guilty about all the medication I did, had to, or still take during the pregnancy, labor and now. I don't like the thought of some if it going to him.
9. The c-section recovery pain as previously mentioned

I think those were some of my big feelings that kept coming into my head which would instantly kick off a breakdown. Like I said though, I am feeling much better about most of them. #6 and 8 still upset me but it's better than all 9. We're making progress!


Blogger reet said...

cara, it's great that you are doing better. you guys look so happy! he's so beautiful

5:01 PM  
Blogger Becki said...

Hey, all totally normal feelings. I remember them all. The hardest one for me was the guilt of how innocent they are and they have no idea what is ahead of them!
He is beautiful! I'm glad things are better.
(new reader from bun in the oven)

5:03 PM  
Blogger supa said...

Those all sound so familiar. I think it's so strange that so many of us can have the same feelings of despair about the same things.

Re: #6 -- by the time you actually do go back it will be a lot easier than it would be today. It will be hard, still, but you will be able to manage it.

Thanks for sharing with us.

7:04 PM  
Blogger holli said...

#6 is still a daily battle for me.. I have to work full-time, but since I'm Faith's only parent and source of financial support I have no choice.. but you have to do what you have to do.. and it's obvious your heart is full of love - in the end.. isn't that what makes the biggest difference in the life of a child?

p.s. he's a doll baby.

7:39 PM  
Blogger Jojo said...

So glad to hear that you are feeling better. #6 drives me crazy all the time!... c'est la vie! My kids know I love them - even when I am not there, Julian will too.

PS He is absolutely adorable! --- I think I want another one!

1:25 AM  
Blogger fuzzypeach said...

#4 is a big one for me. Elaina is holding her head up and yesterday she almost rolled all the way over! They just grow so fast...

This is Ang, btw. I did move my blog.

8:31 AM  
Blogger Erin said...

Hi! :) Just found your blog through Mrs. Flinger and Rbelle...

I just noticed that we delivered at the SAME hospital. Small SMALL world!!! I'd love to hear about your experience there... I have some good and bad feelings about my delivery there and am trying to decide whether or not to go with GBMC next time around. Email me sometime! :)

Congratulations on the baby boy!

8:36 AM  
Blogger Candice said...

I feel for you girl. I could have written most of that list at any time during motherhood. It's a strange, but wonderful trip, this motherhood thing. And you're never going to be the same again. You're a better, more improved version of Cara. And there will be, at first, a feeling of regret over some of your past, at least I know I had to deal with some of my demons.You look at this little perfect soul who is just beginning their journey and you can't help but reflect on your own and want to protect them from your own hurts and mistakes. But it's all the foundation of a great mother. Without any experiences, you wouldn't have that foundation to hold you steady. And too you have all these moms to support you and also to tell you what they went through. I never had that with my first. I am glad you are feeling better. Ups and downs are the "norm" for motherhood, no matter how old your kids are, so just take it one day at a time. And if you have a bad day, accept it and try to make tomorrow better. That's what's getting me through my own hard times. Excuse the novella.
Hey Daphne_Blue just made me this bitchen sling, I'll have to show you a photo soon, I think you'd love the print!!

11:01 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Flinger said...

Mr. Flinger doesn't get it, but every day I still think, "Oh, she's going to get older..." It started when she was 2 days old.

And when I got into the car at the hospital (the first time I left..) I bawled. BAWLED the whole way home. :-)

The wonderful thing about this is that we're all women and we all "get it." I hope your list does help some prego girls! 'Cause we're never alone in this!

11:37 AM  
Blogger Elaine said...

Big ass cyber hug for you, mama!

1:37 PM  

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