That should be my nipple!

I gave Julian his first bottle yesterday of expressed breast-milk. I almost cried. Bryan actually tried to give him one last week and he refused. Everything I read said someone other than the mother should do it, blah blah but it didn't work. So yesterday I was pumping for a bottle so Bryan could give it another try but then he was looking very hungry and Bryan wasn't home yet. I decided to do it. I thought maybe I should be the one to give it to him at first. Maybe he realizes I am his food source so anything I'm giving him would be OK. I still took my boobs out and held him against my chest for ambiance. He was a little slow at taking it at first but he did willingly finish it off. I didn't have a chance to pump much before he needed to eat and he still looked very hungry once the bottle was gone so I let him finish off the old-fashioned way. I also gave him a heart to heart explaining we will be giving him 1 bottle a day and there may be times when he has to have more bottles but he needs to remember that my nipples are #1.

But since his latch still isn't the best I was hesitant on giving him a bottle. But really we're not making any progress on the latching so it is what it is and we're getting by. And I'm starting to think I MAY be able to work on latching with the bottle anyway. I know it goes against a lot of the rules but yesterday it helped me get him to open wider and get his tounge out more. I can see what's going on better and have more control over it. And I could use a little break and well frankly, I just wanted him to learn to eat from a bottle now. But when we tried the bottle last week, it broke my heart. I couldn't even tell you why because mentally I was ready for him to get one and I don't think him having a bottle is "bad." I wasn't weaning him, I wasn't giving him formula, it was still my stuff and he was still going to be breast-fed 99% of the time so I couldn't figure out what was so bothersome. I figured out it's because it's not natural for him to be eating from a bottle. It goes against some biological thing running through my body. It wasn't so much my mind having issues with it, it was my body, my primitive instincts. It was very surprising but almost fascinating we're designed that way. Afterall, we're not much different from wild animal moms. I'd still react just like a mama bear if someone we're to attempt to harm my son. I still wouldn't hesitate to tear you apart like a mama lion if you tried to hurt him.

That's actually been my parenting style thus far, pure instincts. It can make me feel a little alone in the world of child raising. I do find myself hesitant to tell people our choices which is surprising for me. I'm normally all up in your shit with MY views but this is different. I follow my gut, what my first reaction is, I usually go with it. I will worry about changes that have to be made when we get to them and to quote a friend ""do what works for now & cross any problematic bridges later IF they even occur". But like I said, it can get lonely in this world. I'm way more AP than I thought I'd be. Not that I'm trying to label it but it ended up I naturally parent the AP way. And it's true, a lot of people don't so I feel abnormal. I don't feel I can really talk "parenting" because my views are pretty different and I guess I'm scared for their reaction or scared they will feel insulted if they do it differently (which I am NOT implying). And honestly, this isn't a competition, it's just people doing what they feel is best for their child. Now I know why there are support groups for everything under the sun, AP support, BabyWearing support, C0-sleeping support, Breastfeeding support, etc, etc. People need to feel they aren't totally crazy and alone. So here it is, I'm AP. I breast-feed and have no desire to stop, I co-sleep (in our bed!) and don't have a desire to transition him out, I wear my baby every chance I get, I feel uncomfortable using "tools" so I use my swing less and less, don't use a pacifier and feel weird using a stroller. I respond immediately to his cries, and usually it's way before he cries, I know when he's uncomfortable and a cry will come. I don't feel the need to wait for him to cry if I can sense he's unhappy and won't be able to self-soothe.

Of course I'm scared I'm doing more harm than good, no matter what parenting method I choose, I'd be just as scared and doubtful. None of us know how our kids will turn out or what one little thing can permanently scar them or land them in therapy years from now. We don't know what we're doing will make them more co-dependent or independent. Will it be independent in a good way or too independent they will lack the desire for any human closeness? I'm aiming for inter-dependent but who knows if I'll acheive it. Right now Julian can't verbally tell me what he wants so I use his body language and "cues". Does he look content and secure? As I look down at him snuggled closely to me alseep in the sling, with his hands clasped together I'm gonna say yes. If I put him in his crib right now, I wouldn't see this same peace in him.

None of this is some passive-agressive way of saying if you don't believe the same thing then I think you suck as a parent. It doesn't mean that at all. I have a couple friends that are AP, some that are pretty polar-AP and some right in between. I believe each one of us follows our hearts (hopefully) and are truely doing what we feel is best for our family and that's all any of us can do. Right? Right. And pray our children end up the happy, positive and confident adults we want them to be and that they'll even like us when they are teenagers.