Thursday, July 28, 2005

I'm just gonna get this out in the open

I'm TIRED. Ain't that a surprise, a new mom is tired. It's just you really don't get a break, especially when breastfeeding. During the day he wants to be held whether he's awake or sleeping. I put him in the sling for a bit but I need more help getting it just right. Plus he gets a little fussy if I am sitting still with him in it. SORRY, I was only trying to eat to keep my self somewhat nourished so I can FEED YOU and TAKE CARE OF YOU!

So when Bryan gets home, I don't hesitate to do the hand off. But that gives me about 30 minutes to run around and try to do everything I've been wanting to do all day because before you know it "I think he's hungry!" comes from the other room. I instantly turn into the sour milk demon and shoot back "NO HE'S NOT, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" So my "breaks" are hardly breaks at all. A break means I get to do laundry, straighten up or some other crap I don't really want to do. I know it sounds like Bryan doesn't help out but he does. He's been coming home and making dinner and other stuff. It's also that he only gets a couple hours a night to spend time with his son so I'm not going to make him clean the house during those hours. And as bad as this sounds, I would like to get the feeling back in my left arm and not hold a baby for a few minutes. So if Bryan is cleaning then that means I'm holding the baby. I know I could let the house stuff go but you see clutter and mess really stresses me out. I can't stand looking at it. So while letting that stuff go may seem like a break for most people, it actually makes me more tense. See my dilemma? I left the house baby-less to go pick up our Thai dinner and it felt weird, almost refreshing to be alone and out. But as soon as I get home and sit down to actually eat the dinner, whaddya know, the baby is hungry. So much for a hot meal.

It'll get better, at some point he won't eat every second. The first 6 weeks are the hardest, that's what I heard and it's now my motto. And I feel bad for even complaining because I just love being home with him. I could stare at him all day and kiss him all over a trillion times. It just gets tiring is all I'm saying. And it's not like you get a good nights sleep to refuel, no, it's more like cat naps at night and a walking zombie during the day.

With that said, I could not live without my co-sleeper. You know the 3 sided crib thing that goes up against your bed. I'd cry if I had to walk into the nursery and get him from the crib every time he needed me during the night. The co-sleeper is even better than a bassinet or anything that would require me to actually stand up and pick him up. It's great just reaching over and getting him. And the whole co-sleeping in our bed happens on occasion but really I don't like it. Clarification, I love him sleeping with us but I guess because I'm so sleep deprived that I'm not as in tune to him and could totally see me smothering him to which if it were to happen I would have to die. It's really not safe for US to be doing that right NOW. It works for some people, but not us.

We did have fun today though, we took a nice walk to the new playground where I got to show him where he'll play someday as soon as he can hold his head up and has some limb control. Speaking of which, this kid is strong. He has amazing head control and has since the day we brought him home. He's such a tough little man already. Yesterday we made the obligatory appearance at my office with the babe. Fortunately my boss wasn't there so I didn't have to get all squirmy when she asks me what day I'm coming back.

And guess what, Bryan has been working really hard coming up with a plan, moving money around (not that we have much to move) to work it out so I can stay home FULL-TIME with the boy. Isn't that awesome? I'm so happy, it's not official but it looks like it'll work out. And I know it sounds like an odd decision after my previous complaints but I would like nothing more in the world to stay home with J every day. I do have internal battles with it though. I worry that we won't ever have play money, no vacations, no dinners out, that sort of thing. And I worry that I'll feel like I didn't "earn" any money to spend on myself. That's my own hang up, Bryan wouldn't make me feel like that. But I'm quickly learning, although it's so cliche but couldn't be more true, that staying home with kids is the hardest job you'll ever have and most rewarding. So I'm sure I'll get over that not earning any money hang up real quick.

Unrelated news, a plumber came out to check out a leak we had and I was told up front there would be a diagnostic charge and possibly more if he had to cut a hole in our ceiling. So I was prepared to dish out the dough but within 5 minutes he told me it looks like it's water coming out of the shower and leaking through a tiny crack in the floor which can be resolved by getting those little corner guards for the shower. He left without charging me anything and when I questioned him not charging me he did offer to cut a hole in our ceiling anyway if I really wanted him to still. To which I obviously replied I'll try the $5 fix before he does that. Crazy when there are honest people out there, he could have easily scammed me. Like you care about my leaks.

I'm finally c-section pain free. It can still be a little tender if J is kicking the incision area. I took off my bandages the other day and the scar is soooo low, it won't be poking out of any bikini or low-rise pants I'd ever where. My (currently unruly) pubes cover it anyway. But the kicker is that I was apparently allergic to the tape they put on the area that they cut through (I think that's how it works) so I have scars that are like big brackets around "that area" so they go up on my stomach and down on my legs a little. Now that will show in a bikini and it's such an odd scar it'll be a little embarrassing. They look like they'll fade over time. Well I couldn't come out completely stretch-mark/scar free huh? I'm still bleeding though, will this ever stop? I HATE pads, I feel like I'm the one in the diaper and I HATE full-butt underwear that I have to wear to hold the pad in place. That's my biggest complaint right now. Aside from still being fat. I still wake up sweating so I know some fluid is still trying to escape which I'm hoping is the reason my wedding rings still don't fit.

Alright, this is way too long, that's what happens when you can't post every day.


Blogger fuzzypeach said...

It can indeed be very frustrating when their needs interfere with what you want/need to do: eat, sleep, bathe, buy a birthday present for your little brother, do the recyclables, clean the house, etc. It takes a lot of adjusting.

He is darling. And your ring sling is very cool, you guys look great in it!

10:23 PM  
Anonymous Nicole said...

Geez Louise, you're giving me flashbacks. It seems like so long ago, but really wasn't. It sounds like you are very normal - tired (so, so tired) but happy (so, so happy)!

10:51 PM  
Blogger wildcat9two said...

get used to it

11:05 PM  
Blogger Monkey said...

this too shall pass...really it will...and really, its all worth it...


11:12 PM  
Blogger Daph said...

Girl, I remember feeling the *exact* same way... about staying home, not having 5 minutes to yourself to think.... everything. Like you said, the first 6 weeks are the hardest, and everything will smooth over in a bit. :)

12:48 AM  
Blogger Anne said...

its just harder than'll come and go in waves to the point that youll feel schitzoid. my sympathies with the bleeding. i'd have to check my blog but i think it lasted a month for me. ugh!

9:24 AM  
Blogger RysMomma said...

If you have a pump maybe you could pump a bottle and let Bryan feed him every now and then. It would give you a nice little break and some more bonding time for Bryan & J. (As far as nipple confusion goes, none of my kids ever had it and I have found that they ones who do have issues are the ones that have waited longer to have it, in my opinion)
I know how hard it is to get stressed out about the house and stuff (3 kids I know!) but you should try to let it go and remember someday you will have time to clean it (yes I know easier said then done!). Relax and enjoy him! Hang in there hun!

10:10 AM  
Anonymous Carol said...

I'll try to keep this short since I don't want to be a comment whore on your blog but *please* don't give Julian a bottle right now. Not when he's got latch issues.

That said -- I was a SAHM for 3 years. I've been a WOHM for 6 months. I'm quitting my job & going back to SAH, lol. It's hard work to stay at home, attending to a child's needs 24/7 but when you work AND have a child, you work twice as hard, lol. One of the most difficult things for me is not being able to do things. Like eat. I haven't had a hot meal in 6 years, LMAO! OK, maybe that's an exaggeration but my point is just that it's hard but you get used to it and you learn how to do what you gotta do in 10 seconds or less.

11:08 AM  
Blogger Rachael said...

Maybe you could pump and give him a bottle maybe for a few feedings? I know with our next baby I am going to try my best to breastfeed but I definitely plan to give the kid a bottle when I need a break. You are going to wear yourself out Cara. And that mixed with the baby blues is just going to suck. Okay Iknow this sounds kind of preachy. But I say take a break and give him a bottle. You need your energy.

3:36 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Flinger said...

It's still a struggle for me to put away my needs all the time.

But staying home full time? Awesome for you! Hope it works out!!

2:02 AM  

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