Theory #...shit I don't even know what # I'm on anymore

Today's weather was rainy and dreary, very much like my mood after changing J's diaper this morning. Yup, you guessed it, more blood. And this time is was the most blood since his initial bloody stool. Here is a picture of it if you are really curiuos (and it's only visible to those marked as family/friends. If you aren't and want to be let me know). I'm not collecting pictures of his diaper contents for fun, it's part of my latest, but necessary, obsession with documenting my eating patterns along with his stool and reactions.

So my oversupply theory went out the window. I am still doing the block feeding but with no improvment and the typical self-doubt that sets in I'm on to other possibilities. This has been quite emotionally draining for many reasons. 1. Because I'm very worried about J 2. I'm giving up so many pleasures (yes eating gives me great pleasure) but it's for a good cause. 3. Not much support from the medical field or people in my life. Well they all give me their sympathy but usually followed with a "you can't live like this." There isn't anyone I can relate to, nobody who has shared this experience. Except for one lady I met on the iVillage forum. She saw one of my posts and got in touch with me because she went through the exact same thing with her son who is now 15 months old, healthy and still nursing beautifully. After many trials and support from her Pediatric GI specialist, it was determined the cause was Allergic Collitis (most often a delayed reaction - non-IgE mediated - food intolerance. Therefore it can take up to a week for symptoms to appear once a new food has been introduced. And we had J tested for these food allergies but RAST and skin testing both test for IgA allergens. There is no test for non IgE mediated allergens - only elimination and trials)

I'm following her advice right now since this is what the GI had her doing, I figured I'd try it for a few weeks before going to a GI myself. I'm keeping a food diary still, a diaper log and any notes on his behavior. And starting this past Tuesday my diet is more restricted than ever. No dairy/soy/eggs/fish/corn/wheat/peanut/tree nut/red meat/citrus/anything acidic. The logic is to let the gut heal since it's so inflamed now and get to 3 weeks of healthy breastfed stools. When my dogs had intestional problems the Vet had me feeding them boiled chicken and rice until their stool returned to normal so this seems logical to apply to J as well.

So what am I eating you ask? Not much that's for sure:

Dinner:
Free-range, hormone-free, antibiotic-free, all natural turkey, chicken or pork
Rice or potatoes (boiled or baked)
Vegetables, mainly squash and zuchinni
Only condiments are S&P and Olive Oil

Breakfast:
Hot creamy rice cereal with pure organic Cane sugar and calcium-fortified Rice Milk
1/2 of an organic fruit, mainly pears

Lunch:
Leftovers from night before dinner and the other 1/2 of my fruit.

Beverage:
Water

Yes that is IT. No variations, that is all.

The problem though is despite the evergrowing list of restrictions, he had more blood today than ever. AND he was pretty darn fussy today which he hasn't been in a long time as well as fussy/gassy througout the night. The only constant thing in my diet since this all began is rice. I think it's time for the rice to go. Usually rice is one of the safest things but the lady I've been corresponding with had to eliminate rice as well. (Although I think most doctors would deny rice could cause a problem.) And looking over my notes I had a LOT of rice yesterday plus the addition of the Rice Cereal this week instead of oatmeal. Normally I'd eat potatoes with the only rice being the milk at breakfast. But yesterday, looking for a little variety I got risky and changed it up. I had more rice than a person should eat, plus the rice cereal, plus rice milk, plus oatmeal and plus this stuff called Cafix which is fake, 100% caffeine-free coffee made with chickory, barley and beet root. (Quite tastey.) Since today was so bad for J and there has been zero improvment since the start, I figured the rice could be playing a part. But as my new friend pointed out there is gluten in oats and barley so I may need to be gluten-free as well. And after reading up on the Rice Milk, it is NOT gluten-free even though there is no indication on the ingredient label! As if this wasn't hard enough.

Now I know J is not allergic to all of this, the point is to get him back to normal before challenging in new foods. If we don't let his belly heal then it will be impossible to figure out the problem. I am hopeful (read: trying to desperately grasp on to any little glimmer of hope, any slight possibility we will get this figured out) that eliminating rice could help. I thought back to his very first bad poop and it was right when I went to my Grandmas who stocked me up with her kick-ass rice pudding that I couldn't eat fast enough, or get enough of and ate several days in a row. I thought it was all the dairy with it, which I am sure is a large part of it, but hell, maybe the rice played a roll too. I'm reaching here. I hate when I get all excited thinking "yeah, it has to be the rice b/c I was eating all that rice-pudding, etc" because I've had this excitement before. Thinking I was on to something only to get nowhere. I guess I can't say nowhere because since I initially removed dairy/soy, his fussiness decreased by 99%. That itself is worth it and tells me it helped a little with his comfort. I just need it all to go away and get him, including his poop, back to the perfect specimen he is.

I know some people out there may see this as selfish and think "give him the fucking formula already to see if it helps!" but trust me, I would not be doing this if I did not think it was in his best interest (plus he won't even take a bottle now so we wouldn't be able to FEED him the formula but that's a whole other discussion). I toss and turn daily with the thought that I could be doing him more harm than good. But every day I come to the same realization (with the support of my husband and some good friends) that despite all of these problems, breast is still best. I will live off of water and vitamins if I have to (by the way, did you know a lot of vitamins contain wheat? and dairy??) Fortunatly I don't have to be that extreme and as you can see eating poultry, vegetables and fruit is actually damn healthy! Damn boring, but damn healthy!

Even though I feel I am doing this for J's best interest and I wouldn't have it any other way, I am becoming totally depressed. The weekends are the hardest. Eating is such an intregal part of our fun. Going out for dinner with friends, going out for coffee and dessert, going out for a big, gluttoneous breakfast, eating ice cream while watching a movie, that's what we did for fun. We weren't into clubs and bars...we were into eating. And now we do not eat out. At all. Too many unknown and hidden ingredients and cross contamination. Wont even eat at someones house because chances are they aren't going to want the blandest meal in the world. Plus people don't realize how extreme it is. You say corn-free they think no corn on the cob. Nope...no corn starch, no corn syrup (good bye hot tamles and sorbet)...you get the point. And wheat, my Lord is everywhere. I thought eliminating dairy was bad! So I feel like my weekends are no longer fun, they are more a form of torture. We can't even go out for extended periods of time because we have to be home to eat. No eating on the go. When I go out during the week I bring a lunch with me incase I end up at a friends house.

Ugghh, enough being depressed. Some days I'm more optimistic about this all, today just isn't one of them. Yes this is temporary, yes it will get better, yes I will be able to eat this food again. But for now, this just plain sucks.