Month 1

Happy 1 month birthday J! So what do you think? Is this place all you expected it to be? Are WE everything you expected us to be?? I still can’t believe an entire month has gone by and we haven’t broken you yet.

This month has tested us in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I have never experienced so much physical discomfort from sore nipples to boob rashes to healing incisions to maxi-pad chaffing to baby related back pain. I never thought I could go so long without a shower or wearing the same 3 outfits over and over. Wearing earrings means “I’m dressed up.” I hardly have time to go to the bathroom or eat a full meal, especially without scarfing it down. A good night sleep is a distant memory along with spare time to read a magazine. I’ve neglected my husband, my dogs, my family and friends. I’ve also neglected myself. I have a body I no longer recognize with my flabby, saggy stomach, plus uncombed hair and no makeup. I look like I’ve aged a good 10 years. I’ve never been so full of self-doubt. I’ve never questioned my every choice and every move as much as I have the last month. I’ve never before worried so endlessly or felt so helpless. I haven’t experienced such an emotional roller coaster. I’ve never been so worn out.

Despite all of the above, I’ve never woke up as happy as I do each day now. Before now, I’ve never been able to kiss the little dimples on the back of your hands while you nurse. I didn’t know what it was like to hold your tiny foot in the palm of my hand. And when I heard your first, very faint, pitiful whimper when they pricked your heel in the hospital I instantly knew what it was like to be willing to kill or die to protect you. I never knew what it was like to see a miniature version of your father or throw your hand up over your head while you sleep just like him. I didn’t know how cute it was to have dark fur on your ears or to be able to pinch the backs of your thighs. I never knew what it was like to have your baby look up at you with his furrowed brow as I dressed him as if he was thinking “You have no clue what you are doing still, do you?” I never have been able to see you grow so much so quickly, to see you hold your head up briefly and look all around taking in your new environment. Or to watch your arm movements become more fluid and deliberate. I now get to watch you clasp your hands together, stick your butt and chin out and head back as you stretch. I see you make the best poop face ever where you pucker your lips and flare your nostrils which greatly resembles the face I make when I dance. (I always thought it was sexy when I did it but according to your father it looks more like Mick Jagger.) I never knew you would enjoy bath time so much. I didn’t know you would be so patient with me.

But most importantly, I never knew what it was like to love so much it’s painful and to really feel complete. To have OUR little son, OUR little family. I never knew how wonderful, despite the daily trials, it would be to watch our perfect little boy be just that…perfect.

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