Can Pregnancy….

> Make your arm hair grow to be 3 feet long? Seriously, it’s long. It doesn’t seem to be thicker just longer. How can fucking arm hair grow when my damn bangs won’t grow another centimeter so I can just tuck them behind my ear out of MY FUCKING EYES!

> Make you better at painting your nails? I have always sucked at making my nails look decent and relied on a dear friend to do them. Yet since I’ve been pregnant, they almost look professionally done. It’s amazing, too bad I can’t keep up on it.

> Cause you to have a breakdown while eating? The other night we were eating one of my favorite meals, Pepper Steak (you’d never know it is really a Weight Watchers recipe which only is a WW meal when you actually only eat the recommended portion.) Anyway I took a bite that was way too big for my mouth and a ton of rice stuck to my lips. Bryan didn’t really notice but then I started thinking about how frigin hilarious it would be to look up and see someone with all this rice stuck to their lips. So I started laughing hysterically, meanwhile Bryan has no idea what the fuck I’m laughing at and all he sees me do is spit almost all of it across the table at him from laughing and the rest of it all chewed up in my mouth and stuck in my teeth. I then proceed to almost crying (and this is where I started thinking it was a breakdown) because it didn’t feel like “I’m laughing so hard I’m crying” it felt more like “I’m crying because my life is over.” Then I returned back to the hysterical laughing but using a laugh I have NEVER ever used before. It was a very weird moment and it was even weirder because I was experiencing it alone with Bryan just staring at me like I fucking lost it.

> Increase your road rage? I’ve always suffered from it and have been an avid middle finger user (until Bryan – and that scary guy who followed us – convinced me it isn’t the safest thing to do anymore) but I’ve never been a honker. I felt that was for old ladies but my horn has gotten quite the work out lately. And I even hold it down looooooong as I continue to yell shit from my window.

> Increase walking rage? We walk a lot in the city, especially to the grocery store which is 10 feet from our house. The parking lot is always a big cluster-fuck but one day I felt a lady was a little too impatient with us crossing so I threw a jelly bean at her car. At this point in time, food is especially important to me so the fact I wasted 1 jelly bean on this lady shows how fucking mad I was. And this rage is getting more uncontrollable the more pregnant I become. When I was very newly pregnant we almost got hit by a car while we were walking in said parking lot. It was nighttime and starting to rain and a guy was less then inches from hitting us before he realized he needed to stop. Then he just drove off. Naturally with Bryan and I and our raging tempers, our instinct was to throw our Starbucks at his car and follow him and continue to vandalize his car and/or his body. But realizing we weren’t living for just us anymore, we let it go. If that were to happen today, I think I’d be giving birth in jail.