So they may not get the Interior Design of the year award

Let’s just say, thank goodness my hospital is supposed to be good when it comes to deliveries (not to mention they have one of the best NICUs) because they have nothing going for them in the looks department. We did our tour last night as part of our 2^nd Child Birthing class. Let me start off by saying that I’ve been to the Labor and Delivery unit before in my first trimester when the morning sickness dehydrated me. I was in some crappy room assuming it was some storage closet where they put the people that don’t need attention as long as they are hooked up to the IV. Well I find out that’s the triage room where they confirm you are in labor before they move you or send you home. Not a big deal since I shouldn’t be in there very long. The next room was the labor and delivery…HORRIBLE. Well not that bad but it couldn’t be anymore institutional looking. We’re talking bare bones when it comes to ambiance. I had visions of beautiful birthing centers in my head so this was a wake up call. AND there was this constant banging in the ceiling from repair work going on upstairs. That’s not the norm but let me tell you how many people I’ll murder if that’s going on when I’m in labor. I couldn’t stand it for 2 minutes last night.

We then moved on to the Mother and Baby unit. Well first she showed us the overflow area incase all the rooms in Mother and Baby are taken which is actually where they put the people on bed rest. It’s about as stylish as the L&D room but much bigger. We finally get to see the real Mother and Baby rooms and I was in heaven. But I must say these rooms were nothing great at all but after seeing those other rooms it felt like the Ritz. But you KNOW I’ll end up giving birth on the busiest day of the year and end up in the crappy overflow room. So in addition to my overnight bag, I think I’ll be bringing along a few cans of paint, some art and accessories to spruce up the place.

The Birthing class last night was a lot of fun, I think it’s sole purpose of this session was to make you wish you were a male. We saw a video of a couple births. Did I say I want to go natural? FUCK THAT. The first birth the girl had an epidural. The next girl went natural and my lord it was like night and day. I know 2 different people it isn’t a fair comparison but I was wishing I could have gotten an epidural just to watch that. And I got to see them doing an episiotomy and I didn’t know if I should cry, throw up or run out of the room screaming. AND THE VAGINA GETS SO BIG!!!! Now I’m not a total moron, I knew it would get big to get the big ass human out but this was just a whole new perspective. I’ve seen some delivery shows before, this isn’t coming as a surprise to me but I think it hit so much closer to home now because it was saying “This is what you will be going through in 9 weeks. You better start praying your vagina starts turning into spandex now.” I just don’t think I can do it. I’m sorry but I changed my mind and I think the baby is just fine where he is.

As if the birth part wasn’t bad enough the lady had to remind us about car seat safety. She pointed out the do’s and dont's and common mistakes and how you “MUST get it inspected by policeman, etc.” Because if it can even move a hair, it will go through your windshield if your in a severe crash. She might as well of said “it will fly through your windshield, slicing your baby to shreds and as you stand over your bloody baby on the highway wishing it was you because you are obviously the worst human alive, along will come a tractor trailer grinding you both into the ground.”

So I’m freaked out about the baby having to come out and now I’m freaked out about putting my baby in the car. I left there fucking mortified wondering what the hell I’ve gotten myself into and what I can do to get me out of it.